Chapter 24: Jocelyn
Jon had championed this past meal with more success from his garden. He made a stir-fry in a batch of oil that Carter had extracted from our soy beans. I’m grateful, because the meal tasted like heaven. I scrape the last of the carrot peels into the fire and finish stacking the plates. Tomorrow, I have to cook, and our short list of recipes jumps through my mind.
This summer has been good so far and as I look out the window and see Jon, Carter, and the girls, I begin to think that we could live like this forever. It has been nearly nine months since we first stepped into this cabin. I don't think I want to, but I know we can survive here ten more. I grab A Tale of Two Cities and lie face up on the bed. I plan to use the last bit of sunlight finishing my book. I finish a page, but I soon feel my foot being shaken. I look up and see Carter at the foot of my bed.
“Hey, let's go for a walk.” Usually I relish any time with Carter, but I’m really looking forward to doing some nothing. We work so hard during the summer day and to simply sit and read is ecstasy. I fold the corner of the page and put it on the bed between my legs.
“Fine.” I exhale with a smile.
We start to walk along the path headed to the lake. Jon gives a small wave to us and then continues helping Caitlin aim at a haystack with a bull’s-eye painted on it. She already has three arrows in the center. Caitlin has really mastered archery and Jon is doing his best to make her the best she can be. I think she is teaching him a few things as well. Sara still seems hesitant about the prospect of hunting animals, so instead she just wants to talk Jon's ear off. Her infatuation with him has grown a lot these months. It makes the three of us smile.
Carter leads me further along until we are down by the lake. The sun is setting and we won't have too much time out here. Jon doesn't like wasting batteries if we don't have to. He's right of course.
A log looks perfectly placed besides the lake. We both have a seat, and I look over into his brown eyes. I can't help but get lost in them sometimes. Ever since he came out of nowhere in the fall, I couldn't imagine life without him.
He looks back at me. “What is the tension sometimes between you and your brother? When things get too serious you become distant. I understand his and my tension, but not yours.”
“It's been like that for a few years.” I try to avoid a direct response. “And actually you haven't seen the worst of it. It's a long story.”
“Good thing we have a half an hour before the sun goes down. Luckily, I have no upcoming appointments.”
There's no way around it. Carter should know anyway. I bite my lip and begin:
“It was almost three years ago. I was thirteen at the time. He was a bit more outgoing, to say the least, than I was in high school. He went out many times with his friends and stumbled in a drunken mess occasionally. Mom and I usually covered for him as best we could with dad whenever this happened. Dad would have killed him. Then mom pretty much blackmailed him into driving me to gymnastics and everything else. In retrospect, I guess we should have tried more to stop it. Mom thought he would get sick and learn a lifelong lesson. Well the lesson came, but it wasn't because he got sick.”
Should I even be telling this story at all? I look back at Carter, and he’s sitting there, attentive. Leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his hands folded. He’s blinking infrequently, and patiently. I can’t just stop now.
“It was around two in the morning and he still wasn't home one Friday night and he wasn't answering his phone. Mom and I were out looking for him, worried; I had refused to go to bed until my mom did. We had no luck at his usual spots in the park and decided to just wait at home. As we were pulling into the driveway, they hit us. His friend’s pickup truck crushed our small white compact. His friend, who shouldn't have been driving, slammed into the driver's side of the vehicle. Glass shattered; steel twisted. My mom was pinned and bleeding badly, and I was covered in glass but mostly okay. I saw my brother stumble out of the passenger’s side of the car. He screamed and then ran inside the house.”
I pause for a moment, remembering what that panic felt like.
“Dad heard the crash and was running outside. He worked early on weekends so he had been in bed at 8. On his way out he saw Jon curled in a ball and crying. My dad asked him if he was okay. The shame on my brother’s face and the stench of alcohol answered my father. I know the look he gave still haunts Jon. My father ran outside and pulled me out of the car and tried his best to help mom. He stayed with her until the firefighters showed up. She…she died while they were trying to get her out.”
I feel my eyes slowly water. I have thought about that day a lot over the past few years. It should be commonplace to me by now. “Needless to say, our family's relationship with my brother has been strained ever since. Jon has tried everyday to make up for what he did, but that is not something that is easily made up.”
Carter finally spoke, “My God, I can't imagine...”
“That's not the end of it either, I guess. Three days after that I found him in his room with a gun on his lap. I have no idea where he had gotten the silver revolver but I still shake when I think of the image. Beside him was a note. I was able to talk him down and took the gun off of him. He has been weird about guns ever since, because I think he was going to do it. If I wouldn't have gone into his room to look for any more pictures of mom, I think he really would have shot himself.”
Carter nods.
“I took the gun to the police station and said I found it in the park. This didn't endear me to him any more than the last event. He became less my brother and more a nuisance that must be put up with daily. But he tried so hard everyday, especially with my dad. He never touched alcohol anymore and aside from a few after school activities he never had a social life. Jon devoted himself to make either his sister's or dad's lives better in anyway. He was going to sacrifice himself for the rest of his life. I found it in me to slowly forgive him, but dad never forgot. So when the plague came, one small relief was the assurance that Jon would always be there, he knows nothing else by now. He would give his life just so I don't feel sadness.”
We sit in silence for a few seconds and then Carter adds, “We may not get along, but we have that in common.”
“What do you have in common?” I responded, looking up at him. I notice that he looks nervous. He’s working his fingers together and keeps looking down at them.
“We both would die for you.” Carter looked ahead as the sun reflected over the pond. I put my head on his shoulder and grab his hand. I look up to see him looking right back at me.
I stretch my neck forward. Our lips meet, and my body feels warm all over.