Finally Lira spoke. “You’re afraid.”
It wasn’t a question, and Andi was grateful that she didn’t actually have to answer. Gilly and Breck had always looked at her and assumed she was fearless, completely beyond the struggle of having to face such a petty, frail feeling.
To them, she was a captain. A breeder of fear.
But Lira saw the truth as plainly as they saw the view of the mountain lake stretching out before them.
“I want to apologize,” Andi said. “To all of you, for getting us into this job.” She turned to Lira. “And to you, for earlier, on the transport wagon. I know being here isn’t exactly easy for you.”
Lira shook her head. “I don’t need an apology, Captain. I need you to speak your mind about what’s bothering you.”
“Do you want to hear about Dex or Valen first?”
None of the girls answered, as if they were all gently nudging Andi to make up her own mind.
“What Dex told me...” Andi started, unsure of where her words were leading. “I’m not sure if I can handle it.”
“In what way?” Breck asked.
Andi’s heart cringed as she considered what she was about to say. “All these years, thinking he was dead...it was easier that way. Easier to believe that he’d truly betrayed me because money was more important to him than love. But now that I know the truth? If it were any of you three held captive...if it were Kalee, and I had to offer up Dex to an enemy in exchange?” She realized, suddenly, that she was afraid of her own thoughts. “I’m not sure that I would have decided any differently than Dex did.”
“The choice he had to make was unfair,” Gilly said.
So simply put. And she was right.
Lira nodded and pulled her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. “The pain he put you through was unfair, too. But life, I’m quite sure, never considers our feelings when it decides to take us down an unsteady road.”
Andi stared at the lake, her eyes burning from the recent tears.
“I tried to kill him. What if I’d succeeded?”
“You didn’t,” Breck said. Her dark eyes met Andi’s pale ones as she spoke. “And now you know his side of the story, and he knows yours. You both did terrible things, broke promises, ruined a mutual trust. You can hold on to your anger, if you think that makes you strong.” She smiled a little then. “But brute strength isn’t everything, Andi. Trust me, I would know.”
“Breck is right,” Lira agreed. “Anger and hatred have never given any man or woman lasting peace.”
“So I just forgive him?” Andi asked. “Move on?”
“That is for your heart to decide,” Lira said.
They all stopped talking for a while, lost in their individual thoughts. Gilly settled beside Andi and started combing her fingers through the drying strands of Andi’s long hair. “Now we should probably talk about Valen,” Gilly said, twisting Andi’s hair into an elaborate braid. “Because we all know that’s an entirely different issue than Dex.”
Breck chuckled. “Yeah. It definitely is, Gil.”
The girls turned their gazes to Andi.
She sighed. She was already spouting plenty of truths. She guessed it was time to unleash a little more, before her courage ran out.
“Valen will wake up again. When he sees me...if he tries to kill me...” Andi paused, swallowing hard. “I’m afraid I won’t try to stop him.”
Lira was silent as she pondered this. “Revenge is a powerful creature.”
“So is guilt,” Breck said.
“And shame,” Lira added, looking down over the railing. “Shame is a monster I know all too well.”
These things were a part of Andi now, as much as her blood, as much as her bones. Companions as constant as the crew that surrounded her now.
“You have many demons upon your back, Androma,” Lira said. She reached out and placed a warm, soft hand on Andi’s cheek. Andi relaxed beneath her touch, knowing that Lira had never, and would never, judge the things that any of the girls did. She saw beyond what they were, uncovered the motives beneath each and every one of the moves they made.
“I have never known someone, in all of my travels, who carries them with such persistence, who refuses to put them down when the burden grows too heavy to bear.”
“Breck could probably carry a heavy burden,” Gilly suggested suddenly.
Lira and Breck both laughed softly.
“Yes, she could. Which leads me to my point.” Lira dropped her hand from Andi’s cheek. But her eyes held Andi’s knowingly. “You have a...loyal crew, Andi.” She seemed to choke a bit on the word, as if it pained her. Then she shook her head slightly and carried on. “While we are here, together, in one piece...allow us to help you carry some of the weight.”
“What if I can’t?” Andi asked.
She stared out at the lake. She imagined that, outside, the sun was probably about to set, signaling the start of the Revalia Festival, a celebration that signified the end of The Cataclysm. The girls needed to go and get ready.
“That is a choice you must make yourself,” Lira said. “We all have them. Some of us simply take a little longer deciding what to do.”
“And you, Lira?” Andi asked. “Do you have a choice to make?”
“I have many,” Lira said with a sigh.
“Do you want to talk about them?” Breck asked. “There’s already a world of drama pressing in on us all right now. Why not add some more?”
Lira chuckled. “I’m afraid of what you all may have to say about it.”
“Don’t be,” Gilly said. “We just saw Andi cry. We’re definitely not going to judge you.”
Andi laughed, then gently pulled away from Gilly as the little girl finished up her braid.
“You’re my Second, Lir. I’ll help you with whatever choice it is you have to make. And I know the gunners will, too.”
All the girls nodded.
Lira closed her eyes.
For a moment, her scales glowed a gentle blue. A shade Andi had seen only a few times, when Lira thought no one was looking.
Sadness.
Deep, bone-touching sadness.
“Lir?” Andi asked softly. “You can tell us.”
Across the cave, a heavy door burst open. Alfie suddenly appeared, his oval head swiveling back and forth as he searched the cave for the girls.
“We could hide,” Gilly suggested. “We could stay in this cave forever.”
Breck chuckled. “We’d miss out on Revalia, then, little one. We can’t miss such a perfect chance to get dressed up.”
With a nod of agreement, Gilly leaped to her feet and waved Alfie over.
The AI marched across the arching bridge over the lake to join the girls.
Though he couldn’t show emotion, Andi felt as if his words were tense as he spoke.
“Apologies for interrupting you, Captain Racella,” Alfie said. “But Mr. Valen Cortas is awake.”
Andi’s stomach sank to her toes.
“Dextro Arez went to greet him and escort him to our temporary living quarters upstairs.”
The girls all stood, ready to follow Alfie back to their borrowed space.
“You should say a prayer to the Godstars, Cap,” Gilly said as she skipped along beside Andi, heading back across the bridge and to the exit of the Well.