“Oh, thank God!” he cries, rushing over. “Audra was sharpening the pike for my head! And that’s not the kind of head I like to give, ha-ha! Let me tell you, there’s a fine line between fashionably late and fashionably deceased. And you do not cross that line with Audra. No, sir. But now that you’re here, let me show you—”
Brad cuts himself off, because he’s looked over my shoulder and found my mother, not Katie.
“Where is she?” he asks. “Please tell me she’s parking the car.”
“Who is this?” my mother asks. “Is he a friend of yours?”
The way she says friend, it’s clear she means special friend. Like, boyfriend.
“It’s so nice to meet you,” she says, offering her hand to Brad. He checks out what she’s wearing and approves.
“She’s not parking the car,” I murmur. Then I push into the gallery before Brad can throw more of a fit.
The space is barely recognizable from yesterday, because now it’s packed with people. There are some faces from school, but mostly it’s adults. Serious adults. Wearing serious jewelry. Having very serious conversations about Art. Or, at least, gossiping and making it sound like very serious conversations about Art. I am looking for Ryan and not finding him. Then I am looking for Katie and not finding her.
“You. Yeah, you.”
I am not paying attention because I worry it will cost me too much. But when I feel a kick against my leg, I turn around and find Katie’s friend Lehna. Her angry friend Lehna. Her other two friends are behind her. I feel awful, but I’ve forgotten their names.
“Where the hell is she? What the hell have you done with her?”
I ignore Lehna and look over to see my mom is still talking to Brad. From the way she’s holding her purse, I think they’re discussing where she got it.
Lehna kicks me again. “Focus, fratboy,” she demands. “Katie has been acting weird ever since she met you. I want an explanation.”
Do I want Ryan to be here? Why isn’t Ryan here? Is he with Taylor?
Lehna is waving her hand in front of my face.
“Leave me alone,” I say, and start to push toward Wall Six.
“Not so fast,” Lehna says, grabbing my shirt. More people are watching us now.
Ryan is one of them.
Ryan.
I want him to look awful, but he doesn’t look awful at all.
He doesn’t look happy, either.
He looks checked out.
I cannot see him without it having an effect. I have never been able to look at him without having some kind of reaction. Happiness. Desire. Weakness.
Lehna is pulling harder.
I reach up and take her hand off my shirt.
“Don’t touch me!” she yells.
I don’t see Taylor. Ryan was talking to someone, but it wasn’t Taylor. It was Anna from school.
Of course. Taylor wouldn’t be here.
Taylor is still a secret. Because Ryan still has a secret.
I want to laugh. And at the same time, I start imagining punishment. It would be so easy. All I have to do is go up to him and kiss him. No. All I have to do is tell four gossipy people the truth. No. All I’d have to do is tell my mom, who will mention it to his mom. No. All I have to do is kiss him. All I want to do is kiss him.
Everyone will know. And if everyone knows, there will be no reason to hide. And if there’s no reason to hide, there will be no reason to be apart.
I think Lehna is screaming at me. But that doesn’t matter. I am walking his way and he is watching me walk over and I think, yes, I actually have the power here. All I have to do is kiss him in front of all these people. All I have to do is kiss him like it’s the most natural thing, like practice has made perfect.
I love that he has no idea. As I’m getting closer, he has no idea. He is pretending that he doesn’t feel anything. He is pretending that everything’s okay. He is pretending that it is no big deal for me to walk across a crowded room for him after crying all day.
I am going to do it. I am going to show him. I am going to show everyone, and then it will be all right.
No. Don’t.
That’s Katie’s voice. In my head. I stop, look around a second to find her. But she isn’t there. She isn’t one of the dozen people looking at me.
You found the weapon—now throw it away.
I am looking into Ryan’s eyes and I know I am going to take that public kiss, that kiss that would have changed everything, and I am going to fold it up until it is too small to ever be found again.
Our eyes meet for a second. He looks sorry. Not happy. Not desiring.
Sorry.
“Where’s Katie?” he asks.
And then Lehna is back in my face, back between me and Ryan. “You can’t just walk away! Answer me!”
“I don’t know where she is,” I tell him, I tell her, I tell everyone. I don’t mention that she was with me before. That’s not theirs.