I thought he had finished bad-mouthing Teddy, but he’d clearly been brooding that I hadn’t been brought around to his point of view. He took up his list of grievances as though I gave a shit.
“Okay, here. I should have told you this. Typical. She gets the sterling silver flatware? Six hundred and thirty-nine pieces that price out at three hundred ninety-eight thousand five hundred. She sold it to an antique dealer in New Orleans and got top dollar. I know because the dealer called me to make sure it was on the up-and-up. Are you following?”
I was following, but I didn’t think he was going anywhere. This recital constituted a peculiar form of bragging. He was elevating himself by enumerating the dollar amounts of everything he’d lost to her. “It sounds like she’s stockpiling cash,” I said.
“Why would she do that?”
“You still have earning power. She doesn’t, unless she has a skill set you haven’t mentioned yet,” I said. “Who got the house?”
He seemed surprised. “This house? I did. Because she couldn’t afford the property taxes or the upkeep.”
“It has to be worth millions.”
“Twelve, but that’s down from what it was. Market’s flat.”
“What else did you get?”
“Well, you know. Half the stocks and bonds. I did get a Tiffany necklace she’d kill for. It was an anniversary gift, our tenth, but the judge put it in my column to offset the art she was claiming on her side. She put up a fuss like the jewelry had sentimental value, but that was strictly a negotiating tool.”
“What’s it worth?” I could tell I was adapting to his view of the world; every subject mentioned had a dollar sign attached.
“The necklace? A bundle. These are diamonds and emerald-cut aquamarines, a hundred and ninety carats total. Value on that beauty is four hundred and fifty thousand, and she’s crying ‘poor me’ because I got it and she didn’t.”
“Where do you keep something like that?”
“I got the perfect place I’ll show you in a bit. Maurie caught Teddy in my study week before last, so she probably figured I had it in the wall safe. She’s ballsy. She’ll try anything.”
I wasn’t interested in contributing to the Teddy-trashing, but I thought if I signaled agreement with him, it might put an end to it. “She’s devious. I’ll give you that.”
“She sure succeeded in faking you out. And why is that? Because otherwise it’s no fun. Teddy’s not happy unless she’s putting one over on you. With her, everything’s a shell game. You see my problem here?”
“I do and it’s a tough one.”
“I’m seriously thinking about canceling the honeymoon. I can’t take the chance that I’ll be off somewhere. Minute my back is turned, she’ll get in high gear. I come back, half the stuff’ll be gone.”
“When do you leave?”
“Friday, providing I don’t scratch the trip. I’d lose twenty-five grand in deposits, which I’m willing to eat. Stella’s pissed I’d even consider pulling the plug. I haven’t done it yet, but I’m this close.”
“Maybe that’s Teddy’s hope. To mess up your travel plans.”
He looked at me. “You think that’s it?”
“I’m just throwing out possibilities,” I said. I felt a twinge of guilt because he’d brightened at the notion when I’d tossed it out off the top of my head.
“I got a great idea. Here’s something just occurred to me. Why don’t you tail the woman for two days and see what she does? It might be very educational.”
“No, thanks.”
“I’m serious. I don’t have the savvy or the wherewithal. Nash tells me you’re a whiz.”
“I don’t do domestic. No good ever comes of it.”
“How much do you charge? I’m talking about your hourly rate.”
“What difference does it make? I’m not for hire.”
“Pay you a hundred bucks an hour.”
“No.”
“Two hundred.”
“No.”
“Okay, two-fifty, but that’s as high as I go.”
I laughed. “Listen, Ari, as much as I admire your bargaining skills, I’m really not interested.”
“Here’s another idea. Off point, but I could have the kid picked up. That would put a crimp in her plan, don’t you think? If the police arrest the guy?”
“For doing what?”
“Parole violation. He’s a convicted felon, so drugs or alcohol. Possession of firearms. Rat him out to his parole officer.”
“You have him arrested and she’ll just go out and find another ex-con.”
“Maybe so, maybe not. He’s a good-looking dude, right?”
“That is true,” I said.
“Which brings us back to the boy toy idea. She’s trying to get my goat. Retaliate for Stella.”
“Why would she pick an ex-con? You think there aren’t dozens of good-looking guys out there cruising for patronage?”
“Ex-con’s easier to control. Come on. Why don’t you help me out? You follow her for two days and put an end to the debate.”
“No, thanks.”