“I mean, about us.” Pulling back, he stared into my eyes with a worry that sparked my own fears. “Outside these woods, what do we have? I can’t meet you anywhere in public. Hell, I probably can’t even talk to you at school when it starts back up. Neither of our families would ever let us stay together. Your father would probably have me murdered. Mine would disown me.”
I hugged myself as the truth behind his words made me shiver with dread. “Are you saying you want to stop meeting?”
“No!” He tugged me closer against his chest, his eyes large. As he buried his nose into my hair, he murmured, “God, no.” Then he kissed my temple and smoothed stray locks out of my face. “Getting to see you is the highlight of my day. I don’t think I could handle not seeing you anymore.”
I rested my cheek against his heartbeat and closed my eyes. “Then, what’re you saying, Knox?”
“I don’t know.” He sighed out his frustration. “I’m just...fuck, I’m pissed. This isn’t fair. If I pass you on the street or in the halls at school, I’m going to have to ignore you, and I hate that. I don’t want to ignore you. You’re my City.” His words broke at the end and I rubbed his arm soothingly.
He kissed my hair again. “Let’s go to the movies. Tomorrow.”
I let out an incredulous laugh. “Are you insane? We can’t...”
But when I looked up at him, there was something so desperate and determined in his eyes, I couldn’t deny him anything. I shut my mouth, and he continued pleading.
“I have the night off. We could go there separately, sit in the last row, and I don’t know, accidentally sit right next each other. I’ll even provide the popcorn and drinks.”
“This is really important to you, isn’t it?”
“Yes, it is. I don’t want to only ever meet you in the woods, even though I love this. I...I gotta feel like there’s something real beyond these trees. I want to be able to take you on a date. Just...once.”
I nodded, not against the idea at all, even though it’d probably be the riskiest thing we’d ever done. No way could I tell him no, so I said, “Okay, then. It’s a date.”
“Who was that?” Aspen asked as the new bartender moved away.
I sent a cursory glance his way, still surprised Pick had hired a new guy so suddenly, but then I returned my attention to the alcohol lining the back wall, because that’s why I was here: to get my drink on and fall somewhere between pleasantly numb and utterly oblivious.
As Noel told Aspen something about explaining everything to her later, I tried to decide what poison I was going to drown myself in. Tequila? Vodka? Rum? Bourbon?
Just about anything would do.
To help me forget.
I might have possibly had a mini breakdown at the salon earlier. Aspen and I had gone in, fully prepared to get nearly every inch of my hair chopped off, but at the last moment, when the lady had brought the scissors out, I’d freaked.
I’d burst into tears, claiming I couldn’t do it.
Aspen had patted my back as she’d ushered me outside with all my hair still intact, telling me it was about time I cried.
So I cried harder because I couldn’t tell her I wasn’t crying over Cam. Then I cried some more because I probably should’ve been crying over Cam.
I should’ve been mourning the loss of the confidence he’d stripped from me when he’d betrayed me and felt the need to turn to another woman. And I did feel stupid and exposed and oh-so insecure after learning I wasn’t even enough to keep someone like Cameron Finkle interested.
And yet that wasn’t why I cried.
I should’ve cried because I felt awful for not loving Cam, for not being devastated that it was finally over between us. I should’ve cried to realize what a heartless shrew I’d become for not caring the way I should.
But that’s not why I cried either.
I bawled like a baby because I hadn’t been able to cut my hair, because I couldn’t stop honoring a man I’d never see again.
I bawled because I couldn’t stop loving him like I so desperately wished I could.