Her own mother was busy on the farm, working beside her father, and one of her brothers was at home convalescing and enjoying having their mother clucking over him. Had her mother been alone, then Ellie would have felt differently about leaving her so quickly to come back to London, especially after losing her brother, Connor. She blinked away tears as she thought about her lovely big brother, wondering if he’d had a nurse holding his hand before he’d passed away. It had been lovely seeing her family again; lovely but bittersweet.
‘I love having you here, Ellie. I would be terribly sad if you left, but your family deserve the chance to spend time with you, too.’
Ellie nodded. ‘Spencer liked the idea of me being here. He had the strange idea that you’d be better at looking after me than my own mother. Even though I repeatedly told him she was a midwife!’ She suspected the truth was more to do with his worries about his mother here alone. He probably liked the thought of Ellie keeping her company while he couldn’t.
Lily grinned over her teacup, and not for the first time Ellie thought how youthful she seemed. Widowed before the war and with her only son away, it must have been so lonely for her waiting for news. But she was far from being an old spinster, and Ellie was more than happy to play the role of surrogate daughter.
‘Has little baby been moving today?’
‘Yes.’ Ellie’s hand dropped to her stomach. She was six months along now and her stomach was round and protruding. ‘I’m certain he’s a big bouncing boy.’
‘Heaven help us,’ Lily teased. ‘Although if his father doesn’t make it home in time to hold him as a newborn, he’ll get mighty sick of his grandmother clucking and never letting anyone else have a hold.’
Ellie leaned back into the sofa and let her head rest back. Her sleep was always troubled, not only because of Spencer, but also because of the memories that haunted her. This was why she was always tired, the exhaustion bone deep, even though it was a different type of exhausted to how she’d felt nursing. If it wasn’t the past or the baby, it was her brother. Even happy childhood memories of him were enough to keep her up all night.
‘Are you going to visit your friend again now she’s home?’
Ellie sat forwards to reach for her tea. ‘I’m desperate to see her, but after last time . . .’ She sighed. Lucy had been the most independent and capable of them all, and to think of her so badly injured and refusing to see even her friends was almost impossible. It took hours to get to Lucy’s house and as much as she wanted to see her, she hadn’t been home all that long and the last thing Ellie wanted to do was push her too soon to receive a visitor.
‘It takes time adjusting after an injury,’ Lily said. ‘Give her time. One day she’ll be so happy to see you, I promise.’
‘I have written to her every week,’ Ellie said. ‘Next time I will turn up unannounced and force her to see me.’ Once the war was over, she wouldn’t give her a choice, but for now while travel was difficult all that way, letters would have to do.
‘If you’d like me to go with you, I’d be more than happy to.’ Lily raised her teacup and took a sip. ‘Anything you need, all you have to do is ask.’
Ellie considered her words. Maybe she should take up Lily’s offer and go to see Lucy. It would be hard once the baby was here, or in her last few weeks of pregnancy.
‘He’ll be back before you know it,’ Lily said. ‘I know how hard it is, waiting and hoping, but he will come back.’
Ellie hoped she was right. It was moments like this that she wished she had stayed with her own family, out in the country and away from everything else. Maybe there she wouldn’t feel like she was being constantly reminded of Spencer. She rubbed her hand in circles over her belly. No, that wasn’t true. Her baby would be a constant reminder even without the photos of Spencer surrounding her, his clothes hanging in his room, looking back at her whenever she reached for something of her own.
‘I suppose it feels extremely odd, being a married woman with a baby on the way, yet no husband in sight.’
Ellie grinned. ‘Are you wondering if this ring is a fake?’
Lily tut-tutted at her. ‘Perhaps I should let you read the letters my son sent. Maybe then you’d realise why I was so ready to welcome you with open arms.’
‘He really said such lovely things about me?’ Ellie asked, remembering the day he’d told her of the letters he’d written home.
‘My dear, come with me,’ Lily said, gesturing for her to follow as she stood and walked into the library. ‘I have every letter tucked away in here. I reread them whenever I’m feeling lonely, which hasn’t been often lately, given that I have you for company.’
Ellie appreciated the offer, but she didn’t want to intrude. ‘Lily, please. You don’t need to share personal letters with me.’
‘They’re here,’ Lily said, pulling a neat stack from an ornate metal box. ‘Whenever you want to read them, whenever you need something to put a smile on your face, come in here and be with Spencer. His words will help keep him alive in your mind.’
Ellie stared at the letters. On the one hand she was desperate to read them, to devour every word immediately. But the other part of her was scared of reading letters he’d written to his mother, not sure if she wanted to see words Spencer had written that weren’t for her eyes.
‘You’re his wife, my dear. He was taken with you from the moment he met you, and the Ellie he told me about was all guns blazing and wouldn’t have thought twice about reading them!’
It was true – when they’d first met she’d been far more outspoken and fun. The war had changed her, as it had many soldiers and nurses, but being here was starting to make her feel more like her old self again. Or at least a version of her old self. She forgot sometimes that Lily didn’t know the details of what they’d all been through, what had happened to her when she’d broken down.
‘Sometimes I worry that he only married me because . . .’ She swallowed, not wanting to discuss this with the woman who’d been so open with her, who had surely pondered the same question before her daughter-in-law even arrived. She was certain Lily would have guessed that she was pregnant before they were married, but it still wasn’t something she wanted to speak of.
‘Read the letters,’ Lily said, stepping back and waving towards them. ‘Once you’ve read them, you’ll have no doubts that my son wanted to marry you of his own free will. Perhaps he would have preferred a London wedding than a rushed ceremony in France. Who knows? All I know is that you’re married with a beautiful baby on the way, and any woman who managed to steal my boy’s heart like you did . . .’ Tears filled Lily’s eyes and Ellie felt a pull at her own heartstrings, a fluttering of emotion inside her so intense as she worried all over again that Spencer might not make it home.
‘Thank you,’ she said simply. ‘I’m going to sit here and read for a bit, if you’re certain you don’t mind?’