“It’s . . . Adam, it’s . . .” I couldn’t speak.
Before, it seemed like the winged man was looking down at the ground as he levitated from it. Now you could see what he was gazing down at. Adam had painted a little rendering of my apartment building, complete with the frolicking wolves. The winged man was watching over me.
He took my hand in his and said, “No more fear.” He kissed my knuckles. “Promise me. Promise me that you’ll go on and take everything you want, take what you deserve.”
“I promise.” My throat tightened and tears fell from my eyes.
I looked down at Adam, who arched his eyebrows and then gestured toward the winged man and said, “I’ll have my eye on you.”
I sniffled. “Yeah, you gonna keep watch?”
“I’ll be very angry with you if you dwell on me, young lady. All the things I said in that letter, I meant. Okay? But I was talking about my life, not yours, and it wasn’t some dying man’s poetic nonsense. I wanted you to know that I am grateful to you. I’m grateful to you now. I got to experience it in this life, and I don’t think it’s measured with time.”
“You don’t think what’s measured with time, Adam?” My voice was strained.
“Love, Charlotte. Just like we won’t be judged by the brevity of our lives, no one will ever be able to take this away from me. Not the cancer, not my death, not your new boyfriend, not your future husband or your future kids . . .”
“Stop, Adam!”
“No, I mean it. I’m not saying it the way you think I am. I’m saying it doesn’t matter what happens next. Today everyone is looking for the perfect future and the perfect partner who has it all together so they can feel like the life they dream of is possible, but when you’re dying, all you want is a person to love right now. You were my perfect right now that night in the loft, but then I realized something after you left.”
By that point I was crying full, quiet sobs. “What did you realize?”
“Come here.” He pulled me to sit on his lap. I wrapped my arms around him, curling into a ball. I kissed his neck and then rested my head on his shoulder. “I realized that right now is all that matters for everyone. Even if I had my whole life in front of me the way you do, I wouldn’t change a thing.” He wheeled us toward the car. “I learned something that night with you. I had spent the years before I got sick trying to build a career that would make me rich because I thought I would find happiness in that. Just like I looked for women I could use as trophies. All of that crap left me feeling empty. I was unfulfilled and I was betraying myself. I only started living once I knew I was dying. That’s the reason for all the paintings. The world came to life around me. I could see people for who they were, not what they had. And when I was with you, I felt more alive than ever before.” When we reached the car, he wiped tears from my face. “Because you are good, Charlotte. You’re a good person and you see the good in other people. You care. You brightened the darkest time of my life.”
“No one has ever said anything like that about me. I’m a mess, Adam. I’ve had five jobs in five years and twice as many boyfriends.”
“None of that matters. Why don’t you start believing in yourself? I overheard you talking to your mom last night and I knew your boyfriend came to the hospital today. I saw him in the reflection of the window on the footbridge. I saw your reaction and knew it must have been him.”
“Oh?” My heart started thumping. “He’s not really my boyfri—”
He gestured toward the car. “Let’s get going. I need to make some plans.” He suddenly seemed more resolute.
I helped him into the passenger seat, put the wheelchair in the trunk, and then slipped into the driver’s side. I spent the next few minutes gathering myself. Adam handed me a Kleenex from the glove box. “I better get you back,” I said. He reached over and squeezed my hand. I turned to look him in the eye. “What did you overhear?”
“I overheard you telling your mom about Seth and how he probably wouldn’t want to have anything to do with you after this was all over. I felt guilty, like it was all my fault. I wanted to call him and tell you to go to him, but at the same time I felt like if he wanted nothing to do with you because of how good and sweet and amazing you are for spending time with me, then he’s a damn fool and he doesn’t deserve you. Then he came to the hospital and it occurred to me that the doubts had nothing to do with him. It’s you. You still don’t know what you’re worth.” He wiped a tear from my cheek and smiled. “So I’m dedicating the rest of my life to proving that to you.”
“Adam . . .”
“Don’t argue with me. Just drive, lady.”
When we got back to the hospital, I pushed Adam past the nurses’ station quickly. Leah shook her head and then came into his room a moment later. “You better hurry up and get out of those clothes and back into the gown, Adam.”
“Leah,” he stated assertively. “I need a pen and some paper as soon as possible.” Leah chuckled to herself and then left the room, still shaking her head as Adam stripped away Chucky’s clothes.
“But you can’t write,” I said to him.
“Charlotte, I need you to go home and stay there.”
“What?”
Standing near his bed, completely naked, he pointed to the shelf where a gown was folded. “Can you hand me that and then go home and wait until you receive instructions?”
“Receive instructions? Adam,” I started to say. I was fully worried now.
“Charlotte, look at me. A human does not get more desperate and vulnerable than this. I’m naked and skinny, my bald head is wrapped in gauze, I can barely stand up, and I’m dying. I’m begging you, please, just do as I say.”
“Okay, okay.” I handed him the gown and helped him into bed.
“Now go. I have your number. I’ll call you. Don’t call me.”
“This is crazy.”
“Just go.” He shooed me away, but he was smiling while he did it.
I couldn’t laugh even though he was trying to be funny. “What if . . .”
“What if there is a 9.0 earthquake right below us in the next minute? What if the sun explodes tomorrow? What if heaven is real? What if God is a woman? What if the moon landing was a hoax? What if Donald Trump is an alien?”
“No one really questions that last one,” I said.
“You promised me there would be no more fear and no more what-ifs. If something happens, then it is exactly what is supposed to happen. Have you learned nothing from me? Now go before grumpy Adam shows up.”
I kissed him and left the room without another word. I felt strange walking out to my car alone. It felt even stranger to know that I was leaving Adam in his hospital room alone, and that at any moment he could die and I would never see him again.
22. The Trial