“It’s true,” he went on. “I’m not good enough for you.”
“Can you sit with me, please?” I sat, then patted the seat cushion next to me.
He hesitated, but he walked over and sat down. His breathing was wild, and his heartbeat could be seen in his throat. I worried he would have a stroke if he didn’t calm down. “Will you get help?” I asked.
He shook his head. “I can’t go to rehab, Holly. It’ll end my career.”
I knew that wasn’t true. He would be given a chance to clean up, and if he turned himself in for help, they could probably keep everything private.
“And my dad, what if he dies while I’m in there?”
It was easy to see that he was making excuses, not truly wanting, or believing, that he needed help. I had to stop pushing for that.
“Ace. It’s time to grow up.” I kept my voice firm.
He looked shocked. I’d never talked to him like that before. I was as shocked as he was, but it was what needed to be said.
I exhaled and pushed my hair back from my face. “I love you. I truly do, and that’s why I can’t, we can’t do this anymore.”
“Wow. You love me, so you’re dumping me?” He pushed up from the couch and started pacing the room. “You’re a real piece of work, you know that?”
I stood up too and stood in front of him, making him look at me. “I wanted nothing more than for this to be something that could evolve into a real relationship. That isn’t fair to you. It’s obvious that it isn’t what you want. And it isn’t fair to me because it is what I want.”
“I get it. I’m a fuck up, and you deserve better. Jack’s probably waiting outside the door for you, isn’t he?” He walked to the door and flung it open. The hallway was empty. He slammed the door, turned to me and shook his head.
“I’ve been in love with you a long time, Ace. I just wouldn’t admit it. I didn’t want to get hurt. It was easier to just say, no big deal. Ace is Ace. But, the other night… the way you held me. The way you talked to me. It broke open my heart and now I can’t put it back to the way it was.”
“Why not leave it open?” he asked softly.
“Because I know you’ll tear it apart.”
His jaw tightened. “I never lied to you. I never promised you anything that I didn’t deliver. You knew who I was. You knew what you were stepping into, and you wanted it, darlin’. You wanted it bad.”
“That’s mostly true,” I agreed.
“But you, little sweet innocent Holly. Who was the one lying?” His words were harsh, but I accepted the truth in them. He was right.
“The only thing I lied about was my feelings for you. And trust me, I lied to myself about them even more. I didn’t tell you about Jack because there was nothing to say. We went out. We kissed but didn’t sleep together. I’m honestly surprised that you even care.”
He took a step toward me, then stopped, raking his hand through his hair again. “I don’t want to care,” he admitted, not meeting my eyes.
“Ace, I came here because I wanted to see you, but I wasn’t expecting anything between us to change.” I smiled softly. “I love having sex with you. I love how alive you make me feel. Then something changed that first night and I can’t unchange it.” I gave a tiny laugh and pointed at him playfully. “You fucked it up by opening up to me, by being so sweet and loving. Then you ripped it all away as soon as I let you into my heart.”
He didn’t laugh with me though. The pain was back in his eyes. “So, this is it?”
I nodded. “Yeah. We can still be friends because I do love you and probably always will. I want to be by your side when you see your dad. I want to help you in any way I can. But, if you care for me at all, you’ll understand that you aren’t the man to give me what I need, what I deserve, and you’ll be happy for me when I find that man.”
He sank down on the couch again, his face in his hands. “What if I get help?” He looked up at me, his eyes shining. “If I change and actually grow up?”
I looked into those dark depths, trying to find something I could believe in. He was high right now. His pupils were huge and didn’t change under the bright light of the room.
How can I believe him right now? Believe him ever?
“That would all have to happen first. Then we could start fresh if that’s what we both still wanted,” I said softly.
His face changed, morphing back into the cynical smirk that was so familiar. “Oh. If that’s what we still wanted,” he mocked. “So you want me to do all the work, and then, if it takes too long and you’re married off to old Jack, then too bad Ace. I lose, right?” He laughed. It was his mean laugh.
My laugh resembled his. “I came down here at your invitation, only to find you about to double team some woman in a hot tub. I think I’ve been the epitome of understanding.”
I headed into the bedroom and started grabbing my clothes, stuffing them in a suitcase.
“Stop!” Ace gripped my arm and spun me around into his chest. I listened to his breathing, to his heartbeat, and to the rumblings in his stomach from all the stress. I melted against him. I hated to lose this man. I loved him. But, he wasn’t the man I needed him to be. That’s all there was to it.
He lifted my chin, forcing me to look up at him. He leaned down, kissed the tip of my nose and smiled. “I do want you to be happy. You’re right about everything. I need to straighten my life out. I need to stop partying. Hell, you’re even right about me needing to see my dad. I do want you happy. You deserve the best. I want to be that man, but if I can’t be, that’s okay too.” He finally sounded sincere.
I pressed my face into his chest, holding onto him tightly, breathing him in. “I love you,” I murmured, and he kissed the top of my head.
“I know. For whatever it’s worth, I love you too.”
I knew he did. As much as he was capable of loving anyone.
I smiled up at him and accepted his soft kiss before pulling away to finish packing.
“Are you going to stay in New York?” he asked, helping me fold a shirt.
“Yeah, I’ve got an interview at a bakery, and I’m going to work there until I can afford to open my own.”
“I’ll buy you a bakery. But, you have to name it Ace’s Cake Batter,” he said with a laugh.
So that was the offer Whitney told me about. The one I thought I’d never hear.
I smiled at him. “That has a nice ring to it. Thank you, but I couldn’t accept such a tremendous gift.”
“What if I get clean, stay clean, and grow the fuck up? Can I buy you the bakery then?”
My smile grew bigger. “Yes.” What a miracle it would be if that could be true.
He picked up a pair of my shorts and placed them in the suitcase. “I’m gonna call my sister today and check on my dad. If he can hold out until after spring training, or at least near the end, will you still go with me?”
“Of course.”