I just had to worry about him.
Hugh had been the first to warn me that my relationship with Parker was getting toxic. Unfortunately, my brother had dropped out of sight before I could give him the news that the relationship he’d mockingly called “Hildepark” was no longer.
I was far more upset about his disappearance than I was about Parker’s absence from my life.
Friends reported Hugh sightings to me—they’d seen him browsing at Title Wave Bookstore or grabbing lunch at Mr. Chen’s Chinese Kitchen—but I hadn’t seen him since the really tense Thanksgiving dinner we’d had with our father almost a month earlier.
The last time I’d heard from him, he’d said he was staying with a friend and that he was okay and just needed some time. Trust me, he’d said.
I’d come to hate those two words. Parker used to say them all the time, usually right before he did something untrustworthy.
Parker.
Once again my gaze drifted towards him.
He looked good, his dark hair a little shaggy and curling over the collar of his pale blue Brioni button-down dress shirt.
I’d bought him that shirt, spending nearly half a month’s salary on it.
“Want me to kill him?” an amused voice yelled in my ear. “Just say the word.”
I turned to see Leo Forney, one of my favorite people, and an avid Parker-hater from way back.
“I can make it quick and painless or I can make him suffer. Your choice,” Leo said.
I smiled and threw my arms around his neck.
I’d met Leo in high school when he’d been adorkable—unsure about his sexuality, defensive about his intelligence, and completely committed to geek culture before it was totally cool. Since then he’d grown into his intelligence, embraced his sexual identity, and parlayed his love for all things geek into creating a fund that provided money for tech startups.
He’d also met Henry, who was probably even smarter than he was and despite being terminally hip, just as lovable.
“Hi, Henry,” I said to Leo’s boyfriend, hugging him too.
Henry smiled. “Can I get you something from the bar?” he shouted.
A drink sounded fantastic. “Please,” I said. “Maybe some white wine?”
“Lightweight,” he said, but he was only kidding. Henry doesn’t drink.
As Henry turned away, Leo looked me over with a mock frown. “What are you doing here, Hilde?”
I pretended not to know what he was asking.
“Having a good time,” I said. “Fa la la la la and all that.”
“Right,” he said. “Did you know the prince of darkness was going to be here?”
“Yes,” I admitted sheepishly.
“And you came anyway?” Leo made a frownie face. “What did you think was going to happen when he saw you? He’d beg your forgiveness and promise this time he’d treat you with respect? Tell you that he loves you with all of his heart and soul?”
“It sounds so bad when you say it that way,” I said, but even as I tried for a light tone, I could feel tears threatening.
He sighed. “You deserve better.”
“I know,” I said.
He shook his head. “I’m not sure you do,” he said. “It’s like you’re poking a bruise to see if it still hurts.”
It’s complicated.
I didn’t want to get back with Parker. Coming here was more to convince myself I could be in the same space with him and not fall apart.
I had never told anyone the real reason Parker and I had broken up. I’d told people that I didn’t think Parker respected me. I’d admitted that he sometimes made me feel bad on purpose. I’d even confessed that he was a control freak and that his behavior was starting to scare me a little. Maybe they read between the lines. Maybe they came to their own conclusions.
What I hadn’t told anyone was that on his birthday Parker had gotten really drunk and tried to force me to have sex when I didn’t want to.
I had planned to spend his birthday night with him but he was a bad drunk and the liquor had made him mean.
He was angry with his father about something—something to do with a trust fund payment or some stock shares or something—and instead of standing up to his father, he had taken out his anger on me.
When he started getting rough, I told him to stop and he didn’t.
I could have given in—it wasn’t like I was a virgin—but he wanted to take what was mine to give and that was not okay. And for once, I’d stood up to him.
He had been infuriated by my defiance and I had been unnerved by his completely unhinged loss of control. Unnerved, and certain he was about to kill me when he tied me to his bed to keep me from leaving.
Fortunately, he’d been too drunk to do more than tie a couple of sloppy square knots, and the minute he went to the bathroom, I’d wriggled out of the bindings and made a run for it.
In the days after, he had bombarded me with apologetic texts but I’d held firm and eventually, he stopped.
I counted myself lucky to have escaped with my self-respect, even if I’d had to leave a pair of almost-new shoes behind because I didn’t want to take the time to find them.
But I hadn’t really escaped. Not completely.
I’d told myself I was inoculated against his charm but here I was, staring holes into the back of a pretty redheaded girl I’d never met, just because she was the one in his arms and I wasn’t.
“It’s fine,” I said to Leo when I realized I had drifted off. “I’m fine.”
“How’s Hugh?” he asked.
“Don’t know,” I said. “He says he’s okay. But he’s not coming home for Christmas.”
“I’m sorry,” Leo said and I knew he meant it. Leo had always liked Hugh and he was one of the few people that Hugh actually liked back.
Leo was about to say something else when Henry returned with our beverages, Diet Coke for him, overpriced imported beer for Leo and wine for me.
I took a big gulp out of the red cup Henry handed me and grimaced.
“I’ll give you a thousand dollars if you can tell me what kind of wine that is,” Leo said. “Chablis or Chardonnay?”
Leo knew I was no wine connoisseur and he sometimes teased me about my lack of sophistication, freely admitting his newfound obsession with artisanal sake and high-end bourbon, tastes he’d acquired running around with the tech-bros from Silicon Forest, was totally annoying.
Usually, I enjoyed his teasing, but tonight it felt like he was mocking me.
To my horror the tears that had threatened earlier welled up and spilled over.
I handed the red cup back to Henry so fast some of the wine sloshed onto his hand.
“Sorry,” I said but I was already turning away.
“Hilde, I was just kidding,” Leo said, sounding distressed.
“I know,” I said without looking at him. “I have to go.”
“Hilde—”
“I’ll call you later,” I promised. And with that, I turned and fled.
CHAPTER TWO
There was no other word for it.
I’d intended to stay the night at Ripley’s so I wouldn’t have to negotiate the twisty road that led to her condo complex in the dark, but I knew I could not remain at her party one more second, treacherous road or not. I hoped she’d forgive me for ghosting like that, but I’d text her when I got home so she wouldn’t worry about me.
The sidewalk was icy and I slipped twice but managed not to fall as I made my way to where I’d parked my car. I’m sure anyone who saw me wobbling away from the house assumed I was drunk. I’ve never been good in really high heels and the pair I had on had been worn so rarely that the soles were still slick. Not the best footgear for walking around in what was fast becoming a major snowfall.
My hand was shaking so badly from the cold that it took me three tries to get the car key aligned with the lock on the driver’s side.
When I finally yanked the door open, I practically fell into the seat, catching the skirt of my brand new dress on something sharp. Of course it ripped.
Damn it.