“I can imagine,” I consoled.
“But if you really want to know why I went back,” she continued. “It’s because Samuel loved those gang bangs. His favorite thing was to watch me take it over and over again with no ability to say no to any of those men. He liked me stripped of control. But that night… even though I was locked in the stockade, it was my choice to do that. I chose which men fucked me, and then I said when it was over. I had all the control. I hoped Samuel was rolling over in his grave, looking up at me from the burning pits of hell when I called a stop to it all.”
I was blown away by those words, and haunted at the same time that something as simple as being able to say “no” could have such a big impact on a person’s self-worth and security.
So again… no clue how I feel about all this. Cat’s emphatically said that her feelings about The Silo are complicated, and that’s a fucking understatement. She’s loathed it and loved it, and I get the feeling it’s in equal measures.
I did ask her because my ego was bruised a bit, “Why didn’t you choose me that night you were in the stockade?”
Cat didn’t answer me directly, but in a roundabout way told me what I wanted to hear. “Rand… I think Samuel ended up conditioning me to be a woman who knows nothing but submission. I do as I’m told because I’m afraid to do otherwise.”
I thought this was an odd observation and wasn’t sure how it applied to my question, but then she made it all clear. “But with you, I never felt fear. Never felt I was in danger from you. Always felt safe and no matter how dirty we got, I felt cherished. I knew if I said “no” to you, you were a man who would respect it immediately. I didn’t have anything to prove to you or myself by bringing you in that room. It was about confronting my fears and taking back control, and that’s not something I’ve ever needed to do with you. It was unnecessary to choose you that night.”
Yeah, those words right there pretty much sealed my fucking fate. I was going to do whatever I had to do to get Cat on her feet with a permanent smile on her face, as well as the knowledge in her soul that she could do whatever the fuck she wanted and no one was going to hold her back.
This is exactly why I left her sleeping in my apartment and left for work almost three hours before it started. Even though I live only a few blocks from Westward Ink, I needed to drive out to The Wicked Horse and that was an hour round trip.
After I start up my Suburban and begin to navigate my way out of town, I dial Bridger up on my phone. I know he’s awake because he always gets up early despite the late hours he keeps. I doubt if the dude sleeps more than a few hours per night. He usually gets into his office at The Wicked Horse no later than eight AM.
He answers on the second ring. “What’s up?”
“On my way to The Wicked Horse to see you,” I tell him without any lead in. “Hope you got a few minutes before you get going for the day.”
“Not there,” he responds in that gravelly voice that’s typical Bridger. “At the Double J getting ready to help Woolf with some stuff.”
Not surprised. Bridger and Woolf are best friends and while Woolf may no longer be involved with The Wicked Horse or The Silo, those two are still thick as thieves. Bridger’s house actually sits on Double J property. As if the guy doesn’t have enough to do as it is with running a nightclub and sex club, he often helps Woolf out at the ranch.
Woolf is the CEO of JennCo, a massive conglomerate comprised mostly of cattle and oil, but it makes him one of the richest motherfuckers in the USA. You’d never know it though by talking to him. Unassuming and unpretentious, he’s just one of the guys so to speak. Hate that he’s no longer involved in The Silo or Wicked Horse, as the gang doesn’t get to see him enough as it is. But love does funny things to people and he’s clearly happier keeping Callie happy, so good for him.
“I’ll be there in half an hour,” I tell him, not asking if he minds me taking up his time. I disconnect the phone and step on the gas once I get out of town.