Because God knew that’s the way I’d come to look at her.
My cheek stung like a bitch when she drew her trembling hand away. Holding her wrist, she cradled her hand against her chest, her expression altogether horrified and hurt and maybe a little bit shocked that she’d actually hit me.
I deserved it.
I fucking deserved every repercussion that would come my way for letting loose those words from my mouth.
Both the ones that left me without permission upstairs and the ones spurred by this blinding panic still beating at my heart.
Who didn’t deserve it was Blue.
Brave, beautiful Blue.
I wanted to shout a thousand apologies. To drop to my knees like a goddamned beggar and pray for forgiveness. But like she’d told me before, it was a good thing my apologies were rare because they didn’t mean all that much anyway. And me opening my mouth now would only hurt her more.
Should have turned around and walked away the first time she made me feel different. The first time she filled me with regret and remorse. The first time she made me feel those flickers of joy.
Knew where they would lead.
And like a bastard, I’d chased her all the same. Again and again. Unable to let her go.
Selfish.
That’s what I did. I took those bits of good I’d been given and crushed them.
And right now? There was no question that’s exactly what I’d done.
Crushed up an innocent girl because I was too fucking weak to stay away.
My red-headed siren who was trying with all her might to stand tall, to pretend I hadn’t just slayed her straight.
But it was those warm wells of blue that told no lies.
I felt it in my gut and it trembled around my blackened heart. That feeling I couldn’t afford to feel.
You sing my soul.
God, this girl made me want more.
I looked away, to the ground.
Loyalty.
That was the one good thing I had, and it didn’t matter how much this was killing me. How badly I was hurting her. This had to end. I had to stop this madness before it was too late. Before I obliterated the lines that I kept pushing and pushing further out. A fool to pretend like I wouldn’t eventually cross them.
Slowly, Tamar stepped back, her head shaking as if she were trying to orient herself to the disaster that’d just gone down.
We’d been a bomb waitin’ to go off.
That bundle of fireworks just waiting for a match.
And I just loved playing with fire.
“Fuck you,” she finally said, her mouth trembling, soaked with the same tears that hadn’t stopped falling since that kid had recognized her back at the club.
Yeah.
Fuck me.
Because all I wanted to do was reach out. Hold her. Beg her to stay when without a doubt it was past time for her to go. I’d already let this drag on for far too long.
When I didn’t respond, she spun around and ran up the stairs. I could hear her banging around up there, and I was all of a sudden aware of the heat of Ash’s glare burning like daggers into my back and the unease radiating off Zee where they stood in the niche of the kitchen entryway.
Just what I needed.
A damned audience while I cut down another life.
She came hurtling back down, suitcase bouncing on each step as she dragged it behind her. She blew by me like a tiny ball of fiery energy, yet so fucking big and profound.
This girl larger than life. All sex and sin. Pure and soft and sweet.
An enigma.
Temptation.
I raked a hand through my hair, feeling like my insides were getting ripped to shreds.
She headed for the door, not even glancing my way.
Panic flapped all around me like frantic wings and before I could stop myself I was calling her name. “Tamar.”
She froze.
Shit.
Was that the first time I ever called her that? But I knew anything else would amount to nothin’ but a snub. Another insult thrown her way.
Slowly she turned, and my gut clenched, because this girl was so damned beautiful it knocked the breath from my lungs. So damned pretty. And she was looking at me like she was begging me to beg her to stay.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
I dug my wallet from my back pocket and pulled out all the cash I had.
Six neatly pressed hundred dollar bills.
She was just standing there, dazed, lines of confusion darting all over her forehead. I urged them into her hand and closed her fingers around them.
Hopefully that’d be enough to at least get her home. To get her away from this place. Away from me. Where I couldn’t hurt her like that bastard Cameron had done.
And I wondered just how different we were, me and him, destroying something so utterly good.
Finally, she looked up at me. Her eyes narrowed. A flash of Red. “What the fuck is this?”
I swallowed hard. “Money…to get you home.”
Her face twisted. Offended. Words bitter and incredulous. “What? You think I’m your whore now? You think I want your money?” She balled it up, fisted it in front of her, before she threw it in my face. “You can go to hell, Lyrik West.”
Not a problem.
I was already there.