I took a deep breath, better prepared for this discussion than I had been the first time.
‘It takes some couples years to fall pregnant and we are rarely in the same room, so I’m assuming it will take us a while. And even if I did, by some miracle, fall pregnant straight away, it takes months for a pregnancy to progress. You don’t need to be here for the pregnancy.’
‘Molly…’ he pleaded with me.
My hand was on the table and I waited for him to reach for it, but he didn’t, and for some reason that stung. I raised my chin. ‘There are so many things that suck about being your wife,’ I said flatly. ‘I am here alone most of the year and I hate it. I am frightened for you all of the time. But you can’t ask me to wait forever for this too. I can’t miss my shot at motherhood because you love your job too much to let me have it.’
When we were talking face to face, there was never any doubt at all when I’d pushed Leo too far. His withdrawal was often a physical one – even when he didn’t just get up and walk away from me, I could watch his expression close off.
‘I’ll think about it,’ he said – but I knew that he was not going to think about it. I knew that he was simply paying lip service to my request. There was no doubt at all in my mind that if I did not ask again, he would never raise the subject.
‘Do you not want children anymore?’
‘You know I do.’
‘I don’t understand, Leo. I don’t understand why we can’t even talk about this now.’
‘Because I’m not ready, Molly. It’s not something you can nag me into, I’m either ready or I’m not.’
‘You at least owe me the courtesy of an explanation.’
‘You know how much my job means to me.’
‘This has nothing to do with your job.’
‘Are you seriously trying to convince me this isn’t a way to guilt me out of travelling so much? Do you even want a kid?’
‘You know I do!’ I exclaimed, ‘More than anything.’
‘More than us?’
‘What is that supposed to mean?’
‘It means, if you keep pushing me like this, Molly – God – I don’t know whether I can take much more of this. You have to respect my decision.’
I got up from the table and slammed my chair roughly back into place, then walked up the stairs, stomping my feet like a child. Leo didn’t come after me – I didn’t even expect him to.
Even as the tension between us began to wind tighter over the months that followed, I still rejoiced whenever Leo came home. I’d be so excited when he walked in the door that I’d struggle to contain my enthusiasm, even if he was exhausted, even if he smelt like a man smells after weeks in a war zone. I’d force myself to wait up for him, or to wake up early so that I could greet him, but then when he walked in the door I’d have to give him space to make his damned vegemite on toast and take a few moments to decompress.
Inevitably, though, he’d join me on the couch and he’d pull me close against him and bury his face in my hair and tell me how much he’d missed me, and how wonderful I looked, and how difficult it had been to stay away so long. Those moments were the golden jewels that I lived for. The times in between were becoming more fraught by the day.
I told myself many lies in trying to deal with this reality. I could almost convince myself that he was just really caught up in his work. And he was busy – travelling regularly between Syria, Iraq and Turkey at that stage. He was excited that he’d been asked to consult on Middle Eastern affairs for News Monthly’s parent company. More frequently he started accepting invitations for television interviews, giving commentary and explaining the crises for an international audience.
So his career was soaring, but sometimes, when he rang, all we did was fight.
‘You haven’t called for six days, or emailed. The only time I’ve had any contact at all with you this week was when I saw you on television.’
‘Molly, you know I’m busy––’
‘I’m busy too!’ I snapped. ‘My work is important too! You don’t ask about it, you don’t even know about it anymore. My assistant knows more about my life than you do.’
‘If you’re wondering why I hardly call at the moment, it’s because whenever I do, you’re like this. I don’t know what you think I can do about this. Do you want me to resign?’
And then we were talking over one another, and we were each rushing to speak fast so that we could fit more words in before we got cut off – and anything that even looked like communication between us stopped.
‘I’m going! I’m standing in a war zone, for Christ’s sake! Families are being torn apart by this war, get some perspective…’
‘I want to see you, Leo. Can’t you understand that? I want so much for us to be a family and…’
‘I told you, I’m thinking about it.’
‘Yeah, you told me. Plenty of times. Just how long does it take to make a decision? Do you even realise that time doesn’t stop just because you’re not here?’
‘I’m going, Molly.’