In the Notes application on her iPhone, Maddy usually wrote down songs she wanted to remember. The list started in the summer of 2012 with “Dare You to Move” by Switchfoot. A week later she added “Still” by Matt Nathanson, and a few days after that, the song “Sort Of” by Ingrid Michaelson, followed by “I Will Follow You into the Dark” by Death Cab for Cutie. Maddy wrote down song titles throughout the summer of 2012, but then wrote nothing for sixteen months. Then, four months into her first semester at Penn, just before winter break, she again started listing song titles, but the sentiment behind these choices appears to have taken a drastic turn, from angst-filled love songs to something else entirely. On December 17, 2013, Maddy entered “Jesus Take the Wheel,” and a day later she typed out “When I am lost, god is there,” which wasn’t a song title but rather a phrase she wanted to keep in mind.
As first semester wore on and her mind became more and more cluttered, Maddy had started going back to church. Maddy was losing control, spending so many nights tossing and turning, so she returned to the one place that preached peace and calm. And over the holidays, she changed the bio on her Instagram to include verse Matthew 17:20. According to the New International Version of the Bible, the verse reads: “‘You don’t have enough faith,’ Jesus told them. ‘I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.”
That first night back in the dorm alone, Maddy reached for her phone and texted Emma.
Maddy: HERES TO NEW BEGINNINGS THIS SEMESTER
Emma: Seriously though. Totally different mind set!!
Maddy: YES
Emma: A no fucks given attitude
Maddy: hahahahaah yes.
The upcoming meeting with Dolan was all Maddy could think of. She had never before quit anything, let alone her dream since she had started playing sports at age seven. The words needed to be perfect. She needed to show Coach Dolan the depth of her consideration, in the hope he would understand that she hadn’t arrived at her decision lightly. Deciding to quit pained her deeply, more deeply than however that decision might affect anyone else in her life. But she had looked at this thing from all angles, and it was the necessary step. Maddy needed to convey that kind of urgency, to make the decision airtight, no loopholes. Because she didn’t trust herself to speak with the same conviction with which she wrote, she kept writing and revising, and then writing more, until she felt she had achieved the right tone in her letter.
She did this on Sunday morning, again on Sunday night, and once more on Monday morning, the day Stacy and her sister Mackenzie would drive down to Philly and join her for the meeting with Dolan. Maddy had asked her mom if she could be there for support. Tapping on her MacBook, Maddy constructed sentence after sentence, carving out a letter that would detail what she believed was unavoidable: she needed to stop running.
In total, the past couple months have been an experience almost completely opposite from what I expected of college. For the most part, my experience at Penn so far has been a complete and total challenge. It’s been a mental struggle which has led me to a place so low that I never ever thought was personally attainable. I never thought it was possible to sink so low, so drastically. I don’t know how or when this all started, but everything seemed to get worse and worse as the first semester progressed. I’ve thought about leaving Penn for good. I’ve had difficulty sleeping, concentrating, making decisions, studying, and just overall have not been feeling like myself. Although I’m giving Penn a second chance, this semester made me very very unsure about whether or not it is the place for me. Through the daily routine of waking up and going to class, going back to my room and starting homework, going to practice then going to dinner and showering and heading to study hall, and coming straight back to my dorm to shower and do more homework before bed, the primary emotions I felt throughout the past couple months were overwhelmed, anxious, desperate and for the most part, lonely. Before coming to Penn I absolutely LOVED to run. After soccer practices ended in high school I would come home and run more just for the fun of it. Just because it served as sort of a mental therapy for me, a way to clear my mind and get a break from the daily responsibilities and obligations that life brings. Before coming to Penn I was beyond excited to run cross country because I have never done it before. I don’t know where things went wrong, but ever since the middle of cross country season, my life seemed to be hurtling downwards and early on in the year I began to feel completely and utterly lost… as if I was in a whole other world and as if I no longer could recognize my purpose here, not my purpose as a part of the team, but my purpose in life. As hard as I tried to complete my workout packet over break, and as badly as I wanted to WANT to run, I just couldn’t make myself do it. The running over the past couple months has taken a huge toll on me mentally, emotionally, and physically.
Writing this letter created in Maddy an emotion she hadn’t recently felt: hope. She became increasingly convinced that quitting was the right decision. The hope began to gain momentum, a kind of high, and she started focusing on additional ways she could improve her quality of life during second semester. By Sunday night she was practically giddy with a mix of excitement and nerves.
From: Madison Holleran
Date: Sun, Jan 12, 2014 at 8:25 PM
Subject: open room?!—306 Thomas Penn?
To: REDACTED
Hi! I’m Madison Holleran, a freshman at Penn and I live in Hill College House. I am on the track team and I am currently rooming with one of my teammates. However, I have not been enjoying track at all recently and am planning on quitting the team very soon. I applied for a room change during the room switch period during first semester but did not end up getting a new room. One of my best friends just moved into 304 Thomas Penn and I noticed that there is an open room right next to her, 306 Thomas Penn. Is there any way I could move into that room?? Thanks, hope to hear back from you soon!
1/12/14 9:42 PM
Maddy: So nervous for tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Emma: Talking to the coach???
Maddy: Ya betch
Emma: What time
Maddy: 11
Emma: Omg are you def gonna quit
Maddy: Attempting
Maddy: Lolz
Emma: OMG is Stacy coming
Maddy: Ya betch
Emma: I’m happy for you
Emma: And proud
Maddy: Ahahhaahahaaah I love u
1/12/14/ 9:40 PM
Maddy: Hi sweet mother of sweetness I’m doing well thanks!! Proud of Jackie and so happy I got to witness the first points of her college career she must have been so excited
Susie Reyneke: I hope you can stop putting so much silly pressure on yourself and just start enjoying your time there! I really liked your school!!
Maddy: Yeahh I know. Penn is a really fun and good place with a lot to offer, I just really don’t enjoy track at all anymore.
Madison continued to write, to perfect the letter, working late into Sunday night, then again on Monday morning, as Stacy and Mackenzie made the drive south from Allendale to Philadelphia.