After cycling through all the options, ping-ponging from one to another over winter break, Madison seemed resigned to the fact that she would return to Penn for the second semester. She had been so thrilled with the Ivy League just months before: wouldn’t it be a mistake to throw all that away? Her parents were doing the best they could, trying to shepherd their ailing daughter toward the best possible solution. They worried: Wouldn’t she regret giving up on her dream so quickly? They didn’t want to just throw open the doors and let her trample on her future. They wanted to help Maddy alleviate anxiety in a way that wouldn’t set her back too far. Because the truth is, when you don’t know the stakes, when you don’t know how high the wire actually is, dancing along the edge doesn’t seem reckless; it seems like the only place to walk.
By the time Maddy was sitting across from Emma and Lorraine, the question really wasn’t whether she would return to Penn, but rather how she could improve her life there. Over the previous twenty-four hours, she had begun soliciting advice from her friends. She would soon begin to compose a letter to Steve Dolan, the Penn track coach, and she wanted help with the language and ideas; but mostly, she wanted her friends to participate, because then it would feel less like she was quitting. That afternoon, after spending the morning at the Sullivans’, Maddy texted her teammate Ashley Montgomery.
1/3/14 2:14 PM
Maddy: Ash I need to talk to you
Ash: About what’ve
Ash: *what??
Maddy: About track. Like I’ve honestly been thinking seriously about transferring because I can’t do it anymore. I’m going to talk to my parents about quitting track and seeing if things get better, but I just don’t want the team to HATE me. Like completely hate me, but I just can’t be happy doing it anymore like at all. It’s awful. And I wish I could want to do it, but I can’t. And I’m just completely stuck about it all.
Ash: They won’t hate you you’ve gotta do what’s right for you… is it a for sure decision and then you’re gonna think about the transfer thing throughout the semester?
Maddy: No I don’t WANT to transfer. I’m gonna see how this semester turns out ya know?
Maddy: Transferring just would be so complex and difficult
Maddy: I wanna love penn! Like we always said
Maddy: And I feel like that’s possible to do
Maddy: Just gotta do the things that will make me happy again
Ash: Yeah well that makes sense are you gonna tell [Coach] Martin when you get back?
Maddy: Idkk yet gotta discuss with my mother and father first
On January 5, Ingrid texted Madison the link to an article on The Huffington Post titled “Ivy League Quitters: The Costs of Being an Ivy Athlete.” The author, Jennie Shulkin, attended Penn. She wrote, “The abnormality of the varsity athlete’s college experience begins even before he or she moves into the freshman dorms. Most Ivy athletes are officially recruited; they are accepted to the university in return for an informal agreement to serve on a sports team until graduation. This may sound like a good deal for the recruits, but it presently appears that the benefits of staying on an Ivy team are often not sufficient to prevent them from violating this informal agreement and quitting their respective sports.”
Shulkin continued: “Ex-Penn athletes leave their teams for a lot of the same reasons. First, understand that unlike other NCAA Division I recruits, no Ivy League athletes are given athletic scholarships, and are therefore devoting their time and effort to a cause without the expectation of compensation. If an athlete quits, no money can be revoked (since none was given originally), and he or she is allowed to continue college without financial or educational consequences. That being said, roughly all recruits plan to honor their commitments. They want to be student-athletes.
“However, since athletes cannot be punished for reneging on their informal commitments, many of them feel compelled to quit when they realize that many of the costs simply outweigh the benefits.”
The article went on to outline five key factors: the time commitment, the fact that sports seem to be the only priority of the coaches, the lack of reward or appreciation from others, the potential minimization of injuries, and the extra little things that push athletes over the edge. “The combination of the academics and athletics leaves little time for an internship or a part time job to earn extra income, an active social life, Greek life, clubs, and other aspects of a ‘normal’ college experience,” Shulkin wrote.
1/5/14 9:05 PM
Ingrid:…
Ingrid: Published today. Maybe a sign?
Maddy: Hell yes
Maddy: Wait that article is SPOT ON
Ingrid: I know how crazy!!
Maddy: holy shit
Maddy: It’s so true too
Ingrid: What did your mom say?
Maddy: It’s definitely though like when I come back to penn I am 100 percent talking to my coach. Even with my mom like she’s coming hahaha I can’t do it anymore
Maddy: She really does not support the fact that I wouldn’t be on a team or doing a sport because sports have always been a huge part of me but I told her that I’m gonna try out for club soccer next year. Also she knew that I really really wasn’t happy on the team so she was like whatever will make you happiest, because she also knows that I really haven’t been feeling Penn overall. So we both agreed that something has to change ya know?
Maddy: Because if track was one of the primary factors for making me unhappy then obviously that’s gotta change.
Madison had kept her high school friends close the entire winter break. And on the night before the first among them would return for second semester, the group met at Justine’s house for a potluck dinner. They called this potluck “The Last Supper,” because so many of them were dreading the return to school. Each was responsible for bringing one item. Usually, Maddy would bake. She loved making cookies, often peanut butter ones. Throughout high school she would make homemade cookies for people—baking was a hobby of hers, even if eating the cookies was not.
That night, Madison brought cookies from Pathmark, which she arranged nicely on a platter. The group of friends sipped wine and reminisced about high school and discussed how surprisingly difficult college had been. When dessert time came, Madison pulled out the tray of Pathmark cookies. But MJ had made a homemade variation of s’mores. Next to this effort, Maddy’s cookies looked lackluster. Not to be deterred, she began breaking the cookies in half and placing them on everyone’s plates.