this may be one of the hardest letters I have ever written to someone. I want to start off by saying thank you. Thank you for being there for me through it all and never letting me down. Thank you for being an absolutely amazing friend. When I think of the qualities a good friend should have, I realized that you possess all of them. Loyal, trustworthy, caring, fun-loving, easy to talk to. If I ever had a problem or needed someone to talk to I knew I could come to you about anything. And when I think of all the most memorable times these four years have brought, you were right there with me. From being on the greatest team in the world, NHGS, to surprising ourselves and becoming All-Americans in track, we shared those unforgettable moments. We even shared some of our worst moments, and when the going got rough, not once did we give up on each other. Even though I don’t recall the majority of the night, and I’m sure you don’t either, if I remember just one thing from Claire’s sweet sixteen it was crying with you about what happened. You cried because you actually cared, and you knew exactly how I would feel the next morning. Greg always told me you were his favorite of my friends, and it’s not hard to see why. On a different note, not many people can still say they’ve remained best friends since the second grade, but we can. What have we not been through together? I’m pretty sure nearly every sporting event we ever participated in was with each other. I’m not even entirely sure we could have gotten through track season without each other. Pretty funny how we went from actually despising track to somewhat loving it AND loving soccer to kinda hating it within a two year time frame. But even though are [sic] mindsets and future plans significantly changed, our friendship has not. Can’t believe we actually ended up going to both of our dream colleges… it’s pretty awesome I gotta admit. The past couple years have brought us closer than ever, and I honestly don’t know what I’ll do without the sophwhores next year, but I’m 100 percent positive we will all stay best friends. It’s amazing how much we have grown and matured these past couple years. Going into high school I had no real idea of who I’d be best friends with when I graduated, but I’m glad it’s you, because I know you are a lifelong friend. I know I can ask you anything and you’ll give me an honest opinion, and that’s probably what I respect and admire most about you. You are always real and genuine, and I hope that never changes, because finding a person like that is rare. F FAKE PEOPLE YES F THEM, those are the type of people we dislike most. I cannot wait to visit each other in college, where we will hopefully meet our future husbands (crossing my fingers).
On the afternoon of December 28, Emma and Madison went for a run, then to the Garden State Mall to shop for outfits for New Year’s Eve. The two friends were walking past Urban Outfitters, toward Forever 21, and were considering what kinds of dresses they should buy for the upcoming night. Part of their friendship centered on common interests, on the hundreds of hours spent playing soccer and running track, but their compatibility went beyond simple proximity. The driving force was really how they complemented each other away from sports. Emma was steady, dependable, a pillar against which Maddy would occasionally lean, while Emma loved how lively Madison could be, how she often forced Emma to step outside her comfort zone.
So if Maddy was going to be able to tell any friend how she was really feeling, and maybe have that friend actually understand, Emma was that person. Maddy had already tried—kind of. She had texted Emma frequently about how unhappy she was at Penn, but Maddy also knew she hadn’t given Emma much of a chance to help, hadn’t peeled back the layers for her best friend. Madison had certainly never mentioned suicide. She wasn’t sure she could say that word out loud, at least not to Emma, or to any of her other friends. But why couldn’t she? Was it because the possibility was outlandish, seemingly dramatic and hyperbolic? Or was it because it was actually none of those things, and she didn’t want anyone barricading the exit door she had pried open?
As the two walked between stores, Emma listened as Maddy talked to her about how bad things had gotten at school. “I keep Googling my symptoms because I don’t really know what’s going on, why I feel this way,” she said.
“Feel what way?” asked Emma.
“I can’t sleep. I wake up sweating. It’s really hard for me.”
“So what do you think it is?”
“Every time I Google it, it says it’s just the adjustment to college,” Maddy said.
“You don’t think that’s it?”
“It’s just such a blanket answer—how could that be it? I’m down and sad all the time. I’m tired, but I can’t sleep.”
“But think about Ashley’s experience during her freshman year, or my brother’s when he went to college. This happens. People get sad. Right?”
“I know,” Maddy said. “It just feels like what they were sad about is nothing like what I’m sad about.”
“I was sad when I broke up with [my boyfriend],” Emma tried.
“I know,” Maddy said. “When I’ve broken up with guys, it sucked. But this isn’t like that.”
“Okay.”
“It’s hard, not having answers,” Maddy said. “I just want to know what’s happening to me.”
Madison had always had the answer, because finding the right answer had never been tricky, had never been an enigma, but rather was simply a matter of hard work. She was good at showing up and chipping away. But solving this problem was nothing like that. This was slippery, painful, and the harder she tried to understand what was happening, the worse she felt. The rules for this game were inverted, leaving her no clue how to play.
The two friends walked into Forever 21 and began looking through the racks. They each chose numerous dresses to try on, then walked back to the fitting rooms. Emma walked into one, Madison into the next. Changing topics, they started talking about New Year’s Eve, about who would be at the party, about whether or not their high school boyfriends would be there, and if so, what might happen with them. She had seen a few guys down in Philly, but none had become exclusive relationships. But all that rational thinking would probably go out the window on New Year’s Eve, when Maddy and Emma would start drinking in the early evening and, like most kids, likely make different, less sound decisions after midnight.