“We’ll continue this,” said Kendall.
I hugged the plastic bag of whatever-I’d-left-at-Kendall’s and nodded again.
Max came into the store the next day, when Richard was out.
“Hey,” he said as the door swung shut, then came over to hug me across the counter. When we drew apart, he asked, “How are you?”
“Terrible.”
“Let’s come back to that. How’s Kendall?”
“She’s busy getting ready for her trip,” I said, knowing that didn’t really answer what he was asking.
He shook his head and sighed. “That whole thing was my fault. I was so mad and not in control of . . . you know, whatever those things are that keep you from doing stupid shit.”
“She wouldn’t tell me the details. So it was you who kissed her first?”
Max blinked. “Yeah. What happened with you and Eliza . . . that’s on me.”
“It’s totally not.” I shook my head hard. “If it hadn’t been you and Kendall, there would have been some face-to-face drama between us eventually.”
“I suppose you’re right,” he said sadly.
“My question about Kendall is, was that something you’d thought about doing before?”
“No. I’ve asked myself the same thing, and no.” A memory seemed to overtake him. “But there was something about that time we spent in the van. What we talked about. The place we were both in, mentally. I can’t explain it. Believe me, I wish I could. It would make my life so much easier right now—”
“You mean, with Eliza.”
“As we work things out.” He went over to the paint aisle, plucked the infamous paint set off the shelf. I couldn’t be sure if it was the exact same one or not. “I came in to buy this. For her. Maybe it’s a way to make things right for you, too. To show your parents we’re not all bad news.”
I took the box from him and started ringing it up. Then I found myself having to sniffle back tears.
“What’s wrong?” asked Max.
“I didn’t expect you guys to be the ones who stayed together.”
He laughed sadly. “You and me both.”
“But all those things you said to her that night were true.”
Max sat on the counter. I didn’t tell him not to. “Sometimes you feel like you can change someone,” he said half-dreamily. “You want to be the one who does it. You figure it’s worth trying.”
Yes. Now that I knew Eliza better, I could see why it would be worth trying.
“And sometimes,” I said, “you want a person to be the one to change you.”
Max sighed. I didn’t have to elaborate. I put the paint set in a gift bag and chose a silver ribbon to tie into a bow on the handles. Eliza would get the silver reference; it was the closest thing to communication that I could manage with her now, and possibly forever.
“The truth is,” said Max as he watched me tie, “we all change each other. Maybe not in huge ways. Maybe not always for the better and how we expected or wanted. But it happens.”
I nodded, my eyes tearing up again, and handed him the bag. We stared at each other, a comfortable stare like the kind I had with Kendall at our best moments. Regardless of everything, I was glad to have gotten to know this boy.
“Camden will come back,” said Max.
“The issue is that he left in the first place. Just when I needed him most.”
Max shrugged. “So he’s not perfect. He’s still learning.”
“Where is the line between that and the deal-breaking stuff? The stuff that’s not going to get learned. The stuff that makes someone wrong for you.”
Max considered this, staring at the bag in his hands. “Ari, my dear,” he said. “That is an excellent fucking question.” He raised his head to meet my eyes, looking teary. “Let me know if you figure it out.”
22
Another day. Another half-waking from half sleep, another push up from horizontal. Another putting down of your feet on the floor. Another set of motions to go through.
I was stepping out of the shower, wrapping a towel around myself, when the call came. The ringing startled me because I didn’t even know my phone was there, hidden in the pocket of my shorts.
Then I saw the name on the screen, and I startled again.
“Hello?” I said in that voice you instinctively use when you want to pretend you don’t know who’s calling.
“Hey,” said Camden.
The sound of it made my throat cinch tight. I swallowed hard and sat down on the closed toilet seat. “What do you want?”
I’d thought it was possible I’d never hear from him again. So I should have been overjoyed. I was not overjoyed.
“Can you talk?” he asked.
Richard had taken Danielle to camp, and I was supposed to meet him at the store.
“For a few minutes, yes.”
I heard Camden take a deep breath, but he didn’t say anything. Was I supposed to do the talking?
“Camden? I’m here, you know.”
“I know.”
“Uh . . . how’s Vermont?”
A pause. “It sucks,” he said. “Without you, it sucks.”