And breathed. The air was crisp and warm and clean this afternoon, hinting at the approaching summer. Which seemed especially hateful after the horror of the night before. Knowing she didn’t have to come back here for a while, she felt as if a ten-pound weight had left her chest, leaving only, oh, fifty pounds or so. She couldn’t let herself get used to the lighter feeling, but still. It was nice to have it, even temporarily.
Jared’s waiting truck was another cause of relief. He was on his cell phone as she tossed her bag in and climbed inside, a frown furrowing his handsome brow. “Yeah, I’ll come by and see them, take them to the park or something. I’ll be at their ball game. Don’t worry about it.”
Oh. He must be talking to his ex-wife, letting her know he wouldn’t be seeing the girls for a few days. As instantly as Starla had felt relief, guilt crashed down on her to replace it. The last thing she wanted was to deprive a father of his beloved daughters, but until Max was caught, he thought it might be safer for them to stay with their mom.
“Sorry,” she said softly as he hung up. And though it pained her to even think her next words, she forced herself to say them. “We don’t have to do this.”
“I know we don’t. But we’re going to. If he’s going to strike out at people close to you, then for all we know, I’m already on his radar whether I want to be or not.” He paused for a long moment. “Or whether I even deserve to be.”
Starla refused to address all the complexities of that sentiment. “What a nightmare.”
“Don’t worry. It’ll all work out.”
“Is your ex mad at you?”
“Confused, more like it. And I really didn’t want to explain so as not to upset her. Are we going to the hospital?”
That was a swift change of subject. She didn’t know if she could face it. But everyone else was there; she should be too. “You don’t have to. We can go back to your place and I can take my car.”
Jared shook his head as he pulled away from the curb. “I’d rather go with you.”
“You do realize Macy and Ghost will be there.”
“If you can handle this, then I can handle them.”
She was actually more worried about Ghost handling Jared than the other way around. But Ghost needed to get over any lingering is-his-dick-bigger-than-mine issues. Starla wanted to think that surely he wouldn’t start any drama at the hospital bedside of his best friend in the world, but trauma had a way of boiling things to the surface, didn’t it? Even though she’d had a fairly restful sleep at Jared’s despite the nightmares, her world was no less raw and turbulent and confusing than when she’d laid her head down. Than when she’d found Brian bleeding on the asphalt. She felt stripped, exposed, as if every feeling she’d ever had for Brian was inked across her chest and any one of the people at his side might point at her and start screaming, blaming her for the brutal attempt on his life.
There were no more tears to cry, though, she realized with some relief. That was good, at least.
As the hospital came into view up ahead, nausea bloomed in Starla’s stomach. All day she’d been pushing the images from her head of Brian hooked up to machines and fighting for his life. All at once, they swamped her, and she put a hand to her mouth as her heart surged into her throat.
“Hey,” Jared said gently, noticing her sudden distress. He reached over to take her other hand lying on the bench seat. “You don’t have to do this, you know. We’ll go back home right now.”
Home. His home, not hers. She took a deep breath to force the panic down. “No. I have to do this. Everyone expects me to be there. They’ll wonder why I’m not. They probably already do.”
“You don’t have anything to prove, Star.”
“It’s not about that.”
“And you don’t have to punish yourself.”
“Yes, I do.” She jerked her hand from his, because she didn’t deserve the comfort. She didn’t deserve the warmth of his skin or the safety he brought her.
“Hey.” The truck lurched to a stop right in the middle of the parking lot, and he slammed the gearshift in Park before turning to face her fully. “You listen to me. I don’t want to hear that shit coming from you. Go in there and hold your head up. Be strong for your friend. Be a comfort to his wife. It’s a shitty deal all the way around, but the most important thing right now is him, not you beating yourself up over this. We’ll go back home if you want, like I said. But if you’re going to go in there, then go, and own your right to be at his side. Because you didn’t do this to him. You saved him.”
Swallowing against the dryness in her throat, she nodded. “I know. I know. It’s just hard.”
“You wouldn’t be human if it weren’t. Do you want me with you?”
She did, oh fuck, how she did. And she shouldn’t give a shit how it looked to anyone. “I do.”