But it wasn’t the storm witch who soared through the sky. A giant black-and-purple dragon circled overhead before settling itself around the tallest spire of Nottingham castle.
Malevolent had returned to the world of Story. And with another crack, she called down lightning and shattered the sign that had stood in front of the castle for ages. Nottingham’s Museum of Magical History was no more. In a puff of white mist, a new sign appeared.
Academy of Villains: Fairy-Tale Campus.
Well, there goes the neighborhood.
“If you want to win big, you’ve got to scheme big. Have you ever heard of an evil overlord content to rule the trivillage area? No.”
—Seven Habits of Highly Evil People
16
Hook, Line, and Sinker
I stared at the newly formed Academy of Villains and cursed at Oz, who, I had no doubt, was laughing somewhere. “You pixing rat, you know this is not what I meant when I asked for a sign.”
My heart ached. Where were the Storymakers when I needed them? I had prayed all these years, faithfully hung Muse Day stars.
I shook my head and blinked away a slight haze of green from my vision. Me, myself, and I, Rexi Hood, had never once hung a twink-blasted Muse Day star like those suckers in the Emerald kingdom. Dorthea’s memories had taken over, more wily and sinister than any villain in that castle.
Without thinking too hard about it, I screwed off the cap of the drinking skein and gulped down a heaping dose of my daily sap medicine. Blech. As I shuddered at the taste, my sudden urge to pray to the Storymakers vanished. And Dorthea’s memories with it.
I sighed in relief. “That’s more like it.”
“I couldn’t agree more.”
Very, very slowly I turned to see who had spoken. The Evil Queen stood right beside me.
Without so much as a good once-over, she snapped her fingers and strode toward the castle. “It’s been a while. Only fitting that you be my first minion in the new age.”
“Me?” I coughed, my throat still slick with goop.
She stopped in her tracks and turned, rolling an apple back and forth over her knuckles. “Do you see anyone else, Huntsman? I’d hoped you’d gotten a bit brighter since our Snow White days.” She narrowed her eyes and looked down at my heeled boots. “No, not my Huntsman. His daughter perhaps. Well, no matter. You are what I have. Not remotely fair of face, so I have nothing to worry about. Now chop, chop. The empress wants all the artifacts cataloged and secured by the third sun.”
My options were pretty slim. I needed to get inside. And you don’t say no to the Evil Queen, unless you are in good with a half or so dozen dwarfs. Or you can run very fast. Currently, I wasn’t in good with anyone, and running was not an option in these boots.
Suppressing a shudder, I followed. “Yes, my queen.”
“Perfect. I’ve so missed hearing that.” She smiled, blew on her apple, and offered it to me.
I declined, saying I’d just eaten.
“Suit yourself. Now, get to work.” As I passed, she grabbed my sleeve. “And one last thing. When you find my mirror, be sure to bring it straight to me.”
The mirror. You know, the one famously on the wall. The one that could tell you anything you wanted, way better than any oracle. I smiled. “Yes, Your Heinous. I’ll be sure to look for the mirror right away.”
“Well done. I like a minion that’s a go-getter. So let’s just keep this between us. The White Empress never needs to know.”
I stopped walking when I made the connection. “Blanc? She’s here?”
The queen’s face stilled, her wicked smile quivering to stay put. The smile didn’t reach her eyes. “No, she is away temporarily on another matter. Apparently the museum was broken into and certain artifacts were stolen on the same day our empress was liberated. Speaking of which, as you catalog, if you, say, happen to find that mirror was looted…I doubt she would question it.” Her eyes were smiling, if you could count a wicked gleam as glee. “So unless you want your heart carved out, let’s make sure that is exactly what happened and when you don’t find it, take great care not to speak to it.” With that she turned away, dismissing me.
Super. Blanc was bad enough to make the Evil Queen shake. And I was walking into the villains’ new headquarters to steal from both of them. Swell idea, Rexi.
While the queen walked away, I took a deep breath. Slip in and get out. Just like any other heist. I’d find the mirror and be gone before Blanc ever showed. She’d probably blame the apple-obsessed royal anyway.
With a flick of the Evil Queen’s wrist, the heavy double doors to the castle splintered into a thousand pieces. In the entry, there was a plaque: “Let this sword stand for truth and goodness, repelling all evil. Whosoever pulleth this sword from this stone is the rightful heir and king of all Story. Long live the return of the king.”
Behind the plaque was neither stone nor sword. Looting indeed. Whoever pulled that robbery was a pro. But I had no interest in kingdoms or swords. While the queen retreated to the tower, I wandered the former museum’s halls. Either looters or Dorthea’s wish had trashed the place, hard to know which. Things were either missing or …off. The glass slipper was gone, but the fairy godmother’s wand was still in its case. Sort of. It looked like it was made of chocolate. There was no genie, but then again, Aladdin’s lamp looked like it belonged in a carriage shop, since it was full of oil. William Tell’s leather huntsman bow had changed into a gold crossbow. It was tempting to make that last one go missing since, according to legend, it never missed its mark…but that’s not what I was here for. I sped through the hall of heroes and went straight for the evil artifacts.
As soon as I entered the villains’ wing, I could see why the Evil Queen had sent me. The black cauldron was a distinctive shade of puce, and its gooky contents were spilled all over the floor. Like a moat inside the castle. On the opposite end of the giant room was the mirror. It wasn’t exactly an opulent wall hanging anymore. More of a handheld. Like one of those makeup compacts Dorthea toted around.
I looked around but didn’t see anyone. “Hey, mirror.” It didn’t flash or respond. I called to it a little louder. This time a small comedy mask appeared in the silvery surface. Its hollow eyes managed to look at me, nonplussed. It stuck out a tongue then the surface blanked again.
Of course the mirror had attitude.
“I’m gonna have to come get you, aren’t I?”
The face didn’t reappear, but a voice rang through the expanse. “Why oh why do I get the dumb ones each time?”
“Hey! And that doesn’t even rhyme.”
This time, a tragedy mask appeared with a single tear. “Thanks to that wish, I’ve got a bit of a glitch.”