“What is it?” I ask softly. “Just tell me.”
He wants to, I can tell. His secrets are killing him. He just wants to be normal, he’s just acting out a role.
I don’t know why I feel like I know this. It’s just there, suddenly resting on my heart.
“You don’t have to be someone you’re not,” I murmur quietly. His dark eyes snap up to mine and he pulls his hands away. There’s something in his eyes now, something guarded, and our easy afternoon has come to an end.
“What makes you think I am?” he snaps. “Pretending to be something I’m not, I mean.”
I’ve somehow annoyed him, and I don’t answer because I don’t know what to say.
“I’m not being someone I’m not, Calla,” he says coolly as he strides from the water. “I’m being who you need me to be. We’ve both experienced loss. You just can’t handle yours.”
I’m stunned because he’s normally so patient, and I’m dripping wet.
“We don’t have towels,” is all he says when I follow him. My clothing soaks up the water and it is a very cold ride back home.
Dare doesn’t say another word and I leave him in the garage.
I don’t see him at dinner, and I don’t see him the rest of the night.
But as I lay in bed around midnight, I see his car leave the garage.
I don’t see him come home, and I’m awake for half the night waiting.
I have no idea where he goes when he slips away.
Somehow, I think he wants it that way.
There’s a fork in the road and even though I see it, I can’t avoid it.
One road goes left, one goes right, and neither of them ends well.
I feel it in my bones,
In my bones,
In my bones.
I sing a song of nonsense, and it sings back. The notes echo and twist in the air, and I swallow them whole.
“Come out,” I call behind me, because I know they’re there.
I can’t see them, but they’re always watching.
Eyes appear, blood red, and they blink once, twice, three times.
“I can see you,” I announce and there’s a growl and then I’m crushed beneath the dark, beneath the weight, beneath the oppression.
“You don’t scare me,” I lie.
There’s savagery here, there’s grace.
But above all, there’s oblivion and no matter what I do, I will be sucked into it.
I know it.
I feel it.
I’m crazy.
And it doesn’t matter.
I’m the rabbitrabbitrabbit and I’ll never be free.
Chapter 16
For some reason that I can’t explain, I’m holding my breath, waiting to see if Dare comes to dinner.
He does.
Dressed in black slacks, shiny black loafers and an oatmeal-colored soft shirt. He wordlessly moves across the room, sits in his seat, and places his napkin in his lap.
I look at my plate, remembering the way his hands touched me yesterday, the way I’d wanted it, the way I can’t forget how he makes me feel.
My cheeks flush and I take a bite. They’re both staring at me, or at least it seems that way.
“The fish is delicious,” I finally offer, without looking up.
I think I hear Dare smile. My discomfort probably amuses him.
“Adair.”
Eleanor’s tone makes it sound like she just ate a persimmon.
“Yes?”
I look at Dare and it’s easy to see that he can’t hide his disdain.
“Play for us.”
She commands him like a monkey, like he’s expected to jump when she beckons, which of course he is. We all are.
Wordlessly leonine, he walks to the piano in the corner. Sitting at the bench, he gracefully does as he’s told.
The song he plays is something sad and dark, which is perfect, because that’s the mood I’m in. The notes brush my cheeks, play with my hair, and then fall limply onto the floor when he’s done with them, after he strokes each of them from the keys.
I watch his hands and I can’t help but remember yesterday, the way those same strong hands skimmed my wet body, tracing my curves. I can’t help but remember how I’d let him touch me, how I’d folded into him.
I know I wouldn’t have resisted if he wanted more.