No, it’s not enough.
You’re right; I want you so much I can barely stand it.
But something held me back. A weakness. A fear. My own stupid indecision.
I ruined it for the second time. “I—I like being your friend, Galloway.”
He stiffened. “That’s it?”
“Is that not enough?”
“Can you honestly say that it is?”
My heart ceased beating. “I can’t answer that question.”
“You know what, Stel? You really are a piece of work.” He chuckled coldly. “This past month, I’ve gone out of my way to open up to you—let you see that I’m worthy enough of one sliver of your affection. But nothing is good enough for you.”
“Wait.” I flinched. “That’s not true.”
“Yes, it is.”
I shook my head. “Galloway, you have it all wrong. I want you—”
“You know what?” His hand shot up to silence me. “I don’t need to know. Whatever it was that I was going to tell you...it’s not important.”
Throwing himself back into bed, he rolled over.
Tears tickled my eyes. “Galloway...”
He didn’t turn around.
I hugged my blanket closer. “G?”
Still, he ignored me.
For an age, I waited for him to give me a second chance.
But he never did.
My back ached as I finally accepted what I’d done. “I’m sorry.” Slowly, I slid from kneeling to lying, staring at the stars above. My tears escaped, rolling down my cheek with salty sadness.
Tell him!
Sit up and tell him how much you want him. Tell him what scares you. Be honest!
But my muscles locked with a hundred anchors of doubt. We’d been each other’s lifeline for so long that my fear wasn’t just about pregnancy anymore. What would happen if sleeping together destroyed the limited friendship we’d found?
What if he hated me afterward? What if he swam off the island and left me because I wasn’t what he wanted...after all?
I squeezed my temples, willing my tears to cease. We lived the simplest existence, constantly dodging death’s grip, finding joy in the basic of activities, yet I couldn’t find the courage to admit that, yes, I was in love with him, yes, I wanted him with every fibre of my body, and yes, I would bind myself to him on our island, in a city, or on any place on Earth.
But I didn’t.
The moment was gone.
The breeze brushed away the tension with combs of wind and the beach exhaled unhappily.
Why did I do that?
Why was I so afraid?
Dawn broke and the sun rose and I still didn’t have an answer.
.............................
The next night, I followed the sandy trail toward the shore in total darkness.
I needed to breathe. Just stare at the waves and demand answers they couldn’t give.
A ball of sorrow lodged in my throat. That ball of sadness was never far away—how could it when we were marooned and forced to shed the glamour and pampered ease of living in a city? How could it when I’d once again screwed up where Galloway was concerned?
No matter the accomplishment we’d achieved from shedding the glitz of modern conveniences and learning how to gather and create, hunt and prepare, it was nothing if I couldn’t balance happy relationships.
He hadn’t talked to me all day.
We’d gone about our tasks. We’d prepped and ate and swam and drank. And not one word. Even the children had been quiet, sensing something wasn’t quite right between us.
The icing-sugar sand slipped through my toes as I moved closer to the lapping sea. The world continued on, regardless of night and day, but there was a difference when darkness replaced sunshine. Things shed their harsh reality and became magical, mystical. The blue of the ocean became silver-black from the moon. The palm trees became ghostly sentries keeping us sheltered. And the universe as a whole cocooned us with galaxies we could only dream of visiting.
I peered into the gloom, looking for Galloway. After not talking to me all day, he hadn’t come to bed, working all hours to finish the house.
I wanted to chase after him and apologise. Finally come clean as to what terrified me and how refusing him carved pieces out of me until I was hollow with want.
But I didn’t.
Because my reasoning was weak and made no sense. He’d curse me for not telling him sooner and giving him the chance to solve the issue instead of hiding it from him.
Sitting on the sand, the cool dampness soaked through my shorts. I looked at the starry horizon.
“Am I going to die here?” My whisper kissed the moon. “Will I die and never see Madeline again? Will I forever be mother and protector to two children and never be allowed to submit to the man I’ve fallen in love with?”
I held my breath as my questions threaded with the wind, dispersing each vowel in different directions.
North, south, east, west.
No answer from the useless compass.
No premonition.
No extra splash from the waves or twinkle from the stars.
Nothing.
I didn’t know how long I sat there mourning my life, my future, my present, but after a while, the melancholy in my blood turned to anger.