“Reina, last night…”
“Stop,” she interrupted, placing a finger to my lips to silence me. “Look, if you want to talk about what happened that’s fine but if you feel the need to explain yourself you don’t have to.”
She caught me off guard with her words.
“I don’t?” I asked, never wanting to discuss my illness before but feeling compelled to do just that.
“No, Jack, you don’t. I don’t need an explanation. I mean I’d like more insight as to what goes on with you so I can help but only if you’re ready,” she stated.
“Don’t know why you stayed, but real glad you did,” I admitted honestly, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. I leaned over, my elbows on my knees and rubbed my face tiredly.
“Leaving you isn’t an option for me,” she whispered. I felt her move behind me, felt the dip in the mattress and then felt her warmth against my back. She placed her hands on my shoulders rubbing her thumbs into the knots she found. “I’ll stay with you until you tell me to go and even then I’ll fight you because there is no place else I’d rather be.”
She leaned over my shoulder, pressing soft kisses against my neck and I felt my guilt rise to the surface.
“You…” She whispered against my skin. “You’re my guy, Jack.” I dropped my hands from my face and straightened my back, glancing over my shoulder at the beautiful soul who wasn’t vowing to change me or try to fix me. In that moment I saw the woman who accepted me—broken and all. I’d be a fool to let someone as good as her, someone as fucking pure as her, slip through my fingers. I was no fool.
Or maybe I was the biggest fool of all because I would lose her once she realized I was Danny’s brother.
But I had her now.
“It doesn’t happen often, the medicine usually helps control my moods and levels me out.” I explained willingly, as her hands stilled at my shoulders. I turned slightly, taking hold of her hips and dragged her onto my lap. Her legs wrapped around my waist as I brushed her hair from her face and continued. “I didn’t take my medication yesterday,” I said, shrugging my shoulders. “Is that why I had an episode? Probably not, it would’ve happened with or without the meds, but still, I chose not to take them because I wanted to remember. I wanted to be back in that state of oblivion, the same way I was the day Jack ran into the street and was killed,” I admitted, giving her my truth. I was too much of a coward to give her the truth that would free her of me.
I noticed the dark shadows beneath her tired eyes and my mind flashed back to last night when I stared into those same eyes as she sang.
“You…” I whispered, cocking my head to the side as I ran my thumb along her lower lip.
“What about me?” She whispered breathlessly.
“You sang to me.”
“I didn’t know what do,” she confessed, glancing away as if what she did to ease me was ridiculous. If she only knew her lullaby soothed my soul and chased away my demons. If she only knew that it was exactly what I needed, a sweet melody to ease my conscience.
I wanted to tell her she fixed me without even trying. I wanted to tell her the dream I had, the words the ghost of my son whispered to me—but I didn’t deserve the peace she brought to me.
I tipped her chin with my finger and forced her to look at me.
“It was perfect. You are perfect,” I insisted, leaning my forehead against hers. “I’m fucked Reina, in more ways than one. I’m a madman who rides on the wrong side of the tracks. I’m a thrill seeker and a disaster. I’m a man who lives as a prisoner to his own mind but when I’m good, when my head works, I’m a loyal son of a bitch. I’ve done a lot of shit, hurt a lot of people. I’m warning you, I’ll probably hurt you, may have already, but I’m a selfish motherfucker because even knowing all these things, it doesn’t stop me from wanting you. I should tell you to get on with your life. I should spare you of everything I am and everything I will inflict on you but I won’t do that,” I declared.
“What was it you told me the first time you came to my apartment?” She asked, leaning back a little so she could look at me.
“What’d I say?” I queried, diverting my eyes to the way she arched against me.
“You said, that my…” she leaned closer, wrapping her arms around my neck as she lifted her hips off of my lap and rocked them against me deliberately, her mouth moving to my ear as she whispered the rest of my words. “…pussy only gets wet for straight lace dicks.”
Her fingers found the hem of my t-shirt and she worked it over my abs.
“You were wrong,” she hissed. “Lift your arms.”