I lifted my head and looked up at the sky, taking a moment to reign myself in before continuing.
“You told me you missed me,” I cried, bowing my head and succumbing to the grief. “And you should know that there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss you too. I wish it was me, it should’ve been me and I’m so sorry, Jack. I’m sorry that it’s not me visiting you in your dreams. I’m sorry you ran outside. I’m sorry I wasn’t paying attention to you. I’m sorry my mind got the best of me and I let my pride take your life.”
“I’m on medicine now, I got help, and I try to be better. I try not to let my mind win anymore. An old friend made me realize your sister still needs a dad. I know you do too, I know you’re alone and I’m always torn between the two of you. But the truth is, your old man isn’t the greatest of guys. I’ve done a lot of bad shit, hurt a lot of good people, still hurting people, and even if I lay down and die I’m not sure I’d be reunited with someone as pure as you. So I stay here, I stay for Lacey because as long as I’m here at least I know I have one of you, I can do right by one of you. I don’t know if that’s right or wrong but then again the difference between the two is lost on me.”
I glanced down at the hat, remembering it was in my hand and that when he appeared in my dream he was wearing one similar.
“This was mine when I was a kid,” I said, placing the hat gently on the ground before the stone. “My old man bought it for me before he surprised me and took me to my first real ball game. In my dream you were wearing a Yankee hat and when you turned the hat backward it was like looking at you for the very first time. I’m sorry I never got to take you to a real baseball game but I’m glad you’re a Yankee fan. Always knew you’d be a smart boy.”
I slowly rose to my feet, running my hand along the stone.
“Happy birthday, Jack. I love you and I’m so proud that someone thought enough of me to make me the man you called dad, even if it was only for a little while, and only in my dreams,” I whispered. Taking a step back, my eyes focused on the words engraved in his headstone before I turned and walked away, leaving my boy behind, along with another piece of my soul.
Chapter Twenty-One
I lazily opened my eyes, blinking and trying to focus as I remembered the events of the previous night. I glanced down at my relaxed body and Jack’s vest still wrapped around me. I smiled, happy last night wasn’t a dream but in fact my reality and turned to face the man responsible for my smile. I reached out and ran my fingers along the bare mattress, quickly lifting my head and glancing around the room in search of him.
I sat up, pulling the vest closed and wrapped my arms around myself as I looked around the room. The bathroom door was open, his boots were gone along with the clothes he wore the night before. I pushed the sheets off me, swung my legs over the bed and padded toward the chair grabbing the bag he told me to pack. I unzipped the duffel bag, pulled out some clothes and walked into the bathroom, figuring Jack was downstairs.
I stared at myself in the mirror, eyes widening as I glanced at the reflection of a woman who looked content. I slid the vest from my body, turning slightly and lifting my arm to look at my scars. They were still there, just as I expected them to be and I was okay with that. They’d always be there but they wouldn’t control my life anymore.
I quickly showered and dressed, regretting that I washed my hair because I forgot to pack a brush. I twisted my wet hair into a bun and clipped it on top of my head, threw on my jeans and tunic and grabbed his vest, throwing it over my shoulder. I didn’t know what to expect walking through the hallway, wasn’t sure if I’d find people having sex or having pancakes but to my surprise it was very quiet.
I made my way down the stairs, searching the large room for Jack but came up short and found Blackie sitting at the bar, nursing a beer. I pulled my phone out of my pocket to see what time it was and how long I had slept but it was only ten in the morning. I glanced back toward Blackie and conceded the man had a problem. Maybe that’s why he was so cranky.
I was never scared of Jack, not since that first night he walked into Dee’s, but Blackie? He scared the shit out of me. He turned his head, his eyes finding mine as he curled his lip and snarled.
Shit.
“Good morning,” I said, clearing my throat as I walked toward the bar. “Is Jack here?”
His eyes diverted to Jack’s leather vest, and he intently watched as I laid it over the back of one of the stools.
“Jack’s gone,” he said flatly, turning his head and lifting his beer back to his lips.