“Okay. I’m going to put some pants on so you’ll be more comfortable.”
“Thanks.” Subdued, I set his cell on the bedside table. “Nell’s a big fan of yours. You know, I think I’d like a drink. Vodka and orange, maybe.”
“No problem.” The man sounded way too fucking happy.
“I think we should both stop talking for a while. Watch a movie or something. Wouldn’t that be nice?”
“Sure. I won’t even ask you for an apology for all those nasty things you said.” Highly magnanimous of him.
“This never happened,” I stated most adamantly. “None of it.”
Grabbing a pair of jeans out of a bag on the floor, he couldn’t have smiled any more if he tried. The dude’s face had to be hurting from the overload of glee. “Alex. Little Miss Fucking Sunshine.”
“Shut up. You’re responsible for enough horrifically embarrassing moments this week, thank you very much,” I said. “Worst Internet friend ever. I think I need more meds.”
“Hey. Just remember, I didn’t say no.”
“Well, I said no before you could say no so I win.”
“Okay.” The bastard gave me such a sweet, gentle smile.
I couldn’t take it, not from him. “You’re too hairy for starters.”
“What?”
“Who needs that much hair? On your head, your face, the bits on your chest … it’s all too much.”
His brows drew tight. “That so?”
“Why, I bet there’s a jungle down there. Tell me, Joe, have you had any complaints? Is the tiger getting lost?”
Tongue in cheek, he stared back at me.
“I’m just worried about you.” I shrugged, all innocence. “Friend.”
“Kind of you to be so concerned about my dick. Friend.”
I smiled benevolently.
“See, this is why I prefer blondes. Brunettes are just so high-strung. You can never tell when they’re going to turn nasty.” He wrinkled his nose. “And not in the good way either.”
I put my hand to my head. “You’re hating on my hair color?”
“Just calling it like I see it.” Stupidly muscular thick arms crossed over his broad chest. “Also, I like women with a little color. Ones who occasionally go out in the sun. You’re so pale you make Casper look alive. I’d be too fucking scared to touch you. Anything I do would leave a bruise.”
“Do you think maybe that’s because you’re so freakishly large it’s hard to relate to normal-size people?”
Teeth gritted, he gazed down at me. “Now that I come to think about it. I’m not real keen on your eye color, either. What do you call that shade of green? Fungus?”
I gasped in outrage. “Yeah, well, yours reminds me of dirt after the rain. You know, when there’s mud everywhere. Or maybe wet manure.”
“Has your chin always been that pointy, or is that because of some childhood accident?”
A beat of laughter burst out of me. Actually, that was a good one. But I wasn’t done yet. “Your toes are so furry,” I said. “Is it a hassle having to shave them all the time?”
He grinned.
“And I think it’s wonderful some women have a Hobbit foot fetish,” I continued. “Works out damn well for you.”
“That one wasn’t very good.”
“It was too.”
“No. You just keep coming back to body hair and my size. You’re being lazy,” he chided. “Come on. You can do better.”
“Man.” I rubbed at my forehead. “Well, I’d insult other bits of you if I could see them! The body hair is a real problem. Are you related to Yeti on your mom’s side or your dad’s?”
“Lay-zee.”
I huffed out a laugh. “I think I’m done for now.”
“Okay.” He perched on the edge of the bed, TV remote in hand. “I’m going to let you off. Clearly your sweet little head’s been taxed enough for one day.”
“Bite me.”
“My point exactly.”
In lieu of a response, I smacked him in the back of the head with a pillow. The idiot just laughed.
“I win,” I said. “Again. And I am in no way ever interested in having sex with you. That was just all a sad misunderstanding. I mean, look at you…” I made a fake moue of distaste.
“Sure. Whatever makes you happy, Little Miss.” He held his peace for all of about three seconds. “I don’t want to have sex with you even more.”
God, he was so petty. Juvenile, even. Just the same I ignored him. An act of charity he probably didn’t deserve. But it’s important in relationships, even just friend ones, to show that you’re the better person.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Message received four months ago:
Hey Alex,
I was glad to get your email. It’s been a shit of a day. My brother went after the new waitress at the Dive Bar and caused a crapload of trouble and drama I could do without. Then dad got upset with some long time carpentry customers and family friends changing over to another builder. But with his health the way it is, he’s not willing to take on anything but small jobs anyway. It’s damn frustrating. Enough bitching. Hope you and Marty are doing well and enjoying the sunshine for a change. Make sure you take a break now and then and get outdoors.
All right, you wanted to talk best and worst childhood memories. Let me think. Worst would be a toss-up between the time my brother accidentally dropped my favorite Transformer toy into the fireplace. I could have killed him. Optimus Prime and me were tight. Best buddies. And then there was the first time I ever brought a girl home for dinner and it turned out she just wanted an intro to my brother. Embarrassing as all hell. Are you getting the feeling he’s been ruining my life since day one? Ha. He’s not so bad most of the time. At any rate, he’s family. What can you do?
Best memory would be when Laura from down the road decided she wanted to get friendly with me at fifteen.
xx
Message sent four months ago:
ERIC!
I can’t believe you sent me a porny childhood memory about you losing it. That’s disgusting. What happened next with Laura? Tell!
Sorry to hear your brother is causing you stress. Some people just seem to take up more space, time, and energy than others. I have an older brother who’s in the military. I’m very proud of him but it’s not like we see each other much or have a huge amount in common. He’s a good guy though. I think you’d like him.