Her face scrunches. “Um, shouldn’t you know this? You interrupted a wireless computer.”
“But why?”
“Why not?”
I pause, trying to force my head around her answer. “That’s not enough.”
Alex shrugs. “Sometimes it is. Are you okay?”
I start to say yes. “No.”
“You need to be okay, Wick.” Alex flicks my knee, and for the first time I realize I was bouncing it. I press myself still. “You need to look okay with this.”
Our eyes meet and a sickening pang reaches all the way to my toes. “You don’t believe. You think there’s something off here too.”
Alex pauses. “I don’t not believe. I’ve seen people graduate. I know they go on.” Her voice drops to a whisper. “I know they go on and we can too. Hart and Norcut found us because we’re special, and if we play by the rules, we’re safe, and whatever’s out there is way worse than whatever they’re doing in here.”
She’s probably right. But I can’t stop thinking about all the wiggle room you can fit into “special.” Alex believes she’s going to get a better life from this. I’ve been told I’ll get a better life from this. But the best lies are the ones that people want to believe.
Is that what this is? Or am I searching for cracks again? It’s happened so many times before. I have screwed up so many times. How can I trust myself to see what’s right anymore?
I force a smile and Alex’s grip tightens. “It’s fine,” she whispers.
Fine enough for me to get to call my sister? Somehow I doubt it. I smile wider, but over Alex’s shoulder I see Hart. I’m not sure when he finished with Norcut and Kent, but he’s done now and he’s watching us.
I push that smile even wider and Hart instantly smiles back—not before his eyes narrow though.
I’m playing the game, but I don’t believe.
And Hart knows it.
9
We eat lunch at our desks. This kind of bothers me because I don’t like crumbs on my keyboard, but no one else seems to mind. Kent’s pumping metal music through the overhead sound system and every time the bass thumps, Jake juts his chin forward, front teeth firmly clamped on his lower lip. Geek dancing. Gotta love it.
Or not, because Alex has noise-canceling headphones on, and every time Jake starts rocking out, she glares at him. It just makes him jam harder and then she laughs.
I half expect Hart to pull me aside, but he doesn’t. He just watches me and smiles. I can’t decide if it means anything.
Or if I’m just driving myself crazy.
In the end, Norcut announces she has client meetings and leaves all of us with homework, of sorts. Mine is disassembling and decrypting a series of viruses. Most of them aren’t bad. One’s definitely vicious—it wants to overwrite data on the host PC, rendering it inoperable. But the last one? The last one’s just bloated code. More than I’ve ever seen on anything before and it does nothing. Whatever though. It makes my life easier. I delete it and move on, running checks against the others until the music suddenly cuts off.
I glance up and realize Alex is gone. Actually—I roll my chair around for a better look—everyone’s gone except for Kent.
I roll back to my desk and check the time on the lower corner of my screen. It’s after seven. I’ve been working for almost twelve hours now, but I don’t feel exhausted . . . more like my head’s finally evened out, like it’s finally quieted. It’s a weird relief, one I didn’t know I needed.
Does that mean Norcut’s right?
I push the idea around, poke at it until I realize it’s mine. It’s me. I just didn’t know it was me. Apparently I do enjoy the work, and admitting it somehow feels like missing a step in the dark. There was a horrible breath where my insides scooped low.
And then I found my footing again. I’m okay.
Maybe this is who I am.
I log out of my system and push to my feet, spine popping. Something else I need? A hot shower and probably another cup of coffee. And I’m halfway to the double doors when Kent appears, rolling his chair almost onto my toes.
“What?” I ask.
“Ever since you got here, someone’s been hitting my firewall.”
“Your firewall?”
His lips thin. “Looking Glass’s.”
I shrug. “Isn’t that kind of what happens around here?”
“Not like this. It’s not just Looking Glass either. They’re focused on hitting your personal computer’s firewall too.” The hacker’s eyes crawl along my face like he can sense how my heart rate’s suddenly quickened.
“You’re checking my stuff?” I ask, and I sound good. I’m all light and unimpressed even though my insides are splintering. I was so careful. I was always looking over my shoulder.
“Hart told me to check on everything. You understand, of course?” Kent’s smile is animal white. “Safety is a virtue.”
“So’s bathing. You should make a note.”
I start to move around him and he kicks his chair in front of me again. “It’s like they know where to look. You have a partner?”
“Nope.”