I pulled my knees up to my chest and stared out the window while the conversations just faded into background noise. The news finally started to sink in. Roan, my Roan, was gone. I tried to convince myself that there were others it could have been, that my association with the Berserkers that night was just a case of poor timing and mistaken identity. But it was foolish. There were too many coincidences; too many arrows pointing in the same direction.
What had become of him now? What would he look like? The Berserkers’ cold, black eyes stained with red popped into my mind. Their hands: pointed and bloodied. Their bodies: scarred and powerful. To think that Roan was one of those beasts made me want to cry or break something or hurt someone. Even if I had the power to defend myself in Vremia, and managed to get out into the world and managed somehow to find him…would there be anything left to save? Ric said before that he had to shut off his conscience and emotion in order to survive. Oh Daeus, what would they make him do? What had they made him do already?
I would never see his beautiful, green eyes again. I would never know his kindness; never see the goodness of his heart. Our years together arguing, laughing, surviving were just gone – winked out just like that. Roan was gone. I put my head in my hands as the enormity of it sank in.
He was gone.
“…Ava?” Lavender touched my shoulder. “Are you alright?”
I pulled my head up to look at her and thought a moment before answering. I tried to push everything down like usual; tried acting like my regular self. After all, they didn’t need my problems on top of their own. “No, I don’t think I am.” I cursed myself. Just one little lie was all it would have taken to stop the conversation dead. Instead I felt my eyes sting. “My brother is as good as dead.”
“You don’t know that for sure,” she said, exchanging a look with Ric. It was subtle and could be mistaken for a twitch or shiver but I saw him shake his head. Ethan was silent and avoided my gaze.
“You knew,” I said, slapping my cheeks and getting a grip on myself. “The first night we met you were headed to our cottage.”
“I was just investigating-”
“The second time we met you were standing in the shadows. You watched us leave the Shack.” I stood from my chair.
“The place was crawling with drunks-”
“You didn’t know me. You didn’t care that I’d been attacked by one of them.” I approached him, my anger boiling inside me.
“I knew you could take care of yourself-”
“But you intervened only when Roan attacked me, not because I was in trouble but because he was distracted; he would be an easier target. He ran. You chased.” I clasped his arm, forcing him to look at me. “How long have you known?”
He refused to answer.
“How long?” I hissed.
“A few months at most,” Ethan said finally. “One of our scouts followed the seniors and reported a sighting on the edge of your city. The night we met I thought you were protecting him, but it became quite evident at our next encounter that you were unaware of his ‘condition’.”
“Did you notice any others around the night we met?” I thought back to the morning after our meeting. The creature staring outside the window; the slaughtered cow-
“No.”
“Are you sure?” I felt sick.
“If there were any others within three towns I would have known about it.”
“Damn it.” I let go of Ethan’s arm and began pacing. It had been Roan outside the window that morning. Roan had killed the cow. The look in his eyes when I’d told him what I’d seen hadn’t been of concern or worry, it had been fear.
“There was nothing you could have done to help him. His fate was sealed long before he started changing.”
I scoffed. “You say that like it’s supposed to comfort me in some way.” Instead I looked to Ric. “You said you’d been hearing of him for a while when you were training. When was it first mentioned?”
“Just as our winter started, I guess; about three or four months ago.” He brushed off an exasperated look from Ethan.
“I can’t believe I didn’t see this. No, I did see this. I knew he’d been acting differently but just ignored it because I thought it was to do with his family’s death.” I braced myself against the dresser as another thought sunk in. “Oh Gehn, please tell me Roan didn’t kill his family. Please.”
“Not that I’m aware of,” Ethan said.
“I should have done something sooner,” I said, picking up my path across the floor.
“How would you have done anything, Ava? You didn’t even know any of this existed a month ago,” Lavender said.
“But surely there’s something that can be done?” Desperation was talking, though I’d managed to keep it at bay for longer than I originally thought. “If he saw me maybe he’d remember the good-”
“The only thing you can do for him now is let him go.” Ethan crossed his arms. “The past is the past. Who he was before is not who he is now, you need to understand that.”
“I won’t believe it until I see it with my own eyes,” I argued.
“Ethan,” Lavender warned.
“This isn’t unreasonable to say, Lav. He isn’t going to look like some mindless beast if she sees him again. He’ll look like him and sound like him, but if Stephan gives the word he won’t hesitate to kill her.”
“Please-” I begged.
“He’s Stephan’s pawn. He wasn’t even your brother to begin with.”
“We didn’t have to be related by blood-” I stepped back and he followed.
“Ethan, stop,” Lavender said angrily.
He backed me against the dresser table and grasped my arm. “I knew it then, I know it now, and if he comes within fifty feet of this house we’ll kill him on sight.”
My temper flared. I pulled my free hand up and cracked it down across his cheek. “I’ve known that boy for a long time. Berserker or not, you’ll have to kill me first.”
Ethan’s eyes smouldered. The grey stuck out like thunderclouds as orange sparked within them.
Silence fell.
“Do whatever you want. When this ‘brother’ of yours gets a hold of you, don’t expect me to come to the rescue this time.” He stepped away and skulked from the room.
I followed after him as he leapt from the bridge. “I’d rather die by his hand than owe you another life debt,” I screamed.
Lavender sighed and hugged me from behind, pressing her warm cheek into my back. “Ethan’s never been good at getting his words across, but he means well.”
“I know I’m being stubborn and I understand that Roan probably will kill me if he’s as far gone as everyone says he is, but it’s hard. For all I know, he’s the only family I have left.” I turned around, breaking her grip and hugged her properly. “Thank you for standing up for me, even if I am wrong.”
“Always.” Lavender smiled and hugged me back before ushering Ric out of the room alongside her.
“If you want me to knock some real sense into him, all you have to do is ask,” Ric called behind him.
“I’ll think about it,” I smiled.
When they moved out of sight the smile dropped. I propped the door up as best I could and I plonked down on the bed. Numbness took over and my head moved beyond the room. Thoughts of my beloved brother, my absent father, and the man who made me both hate and admire him swirled around my mind until I felt open and empty.
At last, I was alone.
CHAPTE R TWENTY-FOUR