I knew when the results showed by the pause in Collin’s breathing, and the way his fingers went from making lazy circles against my stomach, to digging in. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and sent up a prayer that this would be over soon.
“What . . . the fuck . . . are you taking?”
“Nothing,” I whispered.
“Do not lie to me, Harlow,” he growled. Each word was emphasized as if it were its own sentence. “What are you taking?”
“Nothing. I promise I’m not taking anything.”
“Don’t lie to me!” he roared.
Before I could comprehend that his body was no longer behind mine, he grabbed my upper arms and threw me down onto the floor. A sharp cry left my chest when my head bounced off the tile, and my hands immediately went to cover my face—even though I knew he wouldn’t do anything to mess with something that could be easily seen.
“Don’t show your pain, Harlow!”
“Please! I’m not taking—” My words cut off on a wheeze as his foot slammed into my stomach three times in a row.
My hands left my face and went to cradle my stomach as I began curling into the fetal position. His foot stomped down onto my side, making me arch back as a scream tore through me. As soon as my stomach was exposed, the top of his foot connected with it over and over again.
I tried to beg him to stop, but all that left my lips were grunts and cries. My bloodied hands reached for him in a silent plea, and he smacked them away.
“What are you taking?” Collin shouted.
Hard sobs left me and I shook my head against the tile as I lay there, no longer able to curl in on myself. Blood smeared from the tile onto my cheek from where I’d hit my head, and each sob that shook my body felt like someone was stabbing my stomach with a white-hot poker. I couldn’t take in anything more than shallow breaths, and breathing out felt impossible.
“I will find it,” he assured me in a dark tone. “When I do, you will be begging me for this.”
He kicked my stomach once more, and when I started to roll over to protect my stomach, his foot smashed down onto my back and pinned me to the floor. My tears and spit mixed with the blood on the floor, but I couldn’t move my head no matter how hard I tried. The pain was unbearable, and the way he had me pinned was making it impossible to breathe. It was all I could do to keep from passing out—I’d found out in the beginning that passing out wasn’t an option. He’d only start up again once I was conscious.
“Don’t move until I’m back. If I find birth control, Harlow, I’ll be sure to tell your mother that you are the reason she’s about to die.”
My face twisted in pain and fear as silent, agonizing sobs continued to torment me. I knew he wouldn’t find anything, but that never made the time while he searched for something any easier. Every time I wondered if I was making the right choice. He threatened my family—but I was saving a child. I just had to keep reminding myself that in the two and a half years of going through this every other week, those threats had been just that. Threats.
Because once he came back from not finding anything, everything would change. It always did.
I don’t know how long I’d been left there, but by the time I heard his bare feet on the tile as he entered the bathroom, my sobs and tears had stopped, and I was just lying there helplessly.
Collin rolled me over and hushed me when a cry bubbled up my throat. His dark blue eyes roamed over my face sadly for a few seconds before he said, “There was nothing, like you said.” Brushing my hair back from where it clung to my face, he gently trailed his fingers along my cheek and down my neck. Just as the tips of his fingers touched my collarbone, they were digging in behind it, and he was whispering, “Don’t show your pain, baby.”
More tears welled up in my eyes before leaking out, and I smashed my mouth into a tight line to keep any noise from escaping.
“Don’t show your pain,” he repeated, but I couldn’t stop crying. “Why aren’t you getting pregnant?”
I shook my head back and forth, and he nodded a few times before breathing out heavily.
“What good are you if you can’t do this for us? Don’t you want a family? Don’t you want to make me happy, Harlow?” he asked, his voice deceptively calm and soothing. When I didn’t respond, he dug his fingers in harder. “Answer me.”
“I do,” I cried out before clenching my shaking jaw shut again.
He seemed to accept my answer, and the pressure left before he was wrapping his arms under my body and pulling me up to cradle me against his chest.
Another cry of pain filled the bathroom, and he kissed my forehead. “Don’t show your pain,” he said without moving his lips away.
Collin walked me into the large shower, sat me down on the built-in bench, and pulled the shirt off my body. He turned on the water as he walked away, and I watched vacantly as he cleaned the blood off the tile. Once he was done, he stripped down and stepped back in the shower. Sitting on the bench next to me, he pulled me into his arms and looked at the back of my head for a few minutes.