The delight I felt upon seeing her curled up like a fragile seedling burning in a fire. It turned into a tight black ball and planted itself in my gut. Layers of self-recrimination coated it until it weighed me down like a stone. There was nothing I could say, nothing I could do to take away the awful thing that had happened to her. She was the victim of something terrible. Something no person should ever have to suffer.
What could I say? No words, no matter how carefully I thought them through, would ever be enough to apologize. Would ever be enough to fix it. It was like putting a poultice on an eviscerated man—a fruitless and foolhardy endeavor.
Anamika turned her head slightly so I saw her face in profile, but she kept her attention on her flowers. “Well?” she asked tartly, giving a long vine a sharp snip. “It certainly took you long enough to grace me with your presence. Are you just going to stand there shuffling your feet or are you going to greet me properly?”
I tried to answer her, but the only result was a trilling, “I…” and then the ineffectual opening and closing of my mouth like a fish pulled out of the water, a far cry from the refined greeting I’d originally planned. Since speaking wasn’t working for me, instead, I dropped to one knee, bowing my head low. “I am your servant, my lady,” I finally managed to spit out.
Anamika glanced over at me and frowned, her brows puckering. She pursed her lips and strode over to me. After putting her clippers in a leather belt strapped around her waist, she placed her hands on her hips and considered me. My head dropped again and I felt a familiar sting in the back of my eyes.
The grass beneath my feet blurred and then her hand touched my head. She crouched down near me and slid her hand to my neck. I felt her mental inquiry and willingly opened my thoughts to her. I showed her the absolute mess I’d made of things. All the guilt and shame that ate at my insides was exposed for her to see. As she studied my thoughts, I winced, knowing she’d think less of me and knowing I deserved it.
“I’m so, so sorry, Ana.” I didn’t even know I’d said it out loud until I felt the vibration of the words deep in my throat.
In reply, Anamika wrapped her arms around me. Mine snaked around her waist, and I pulled her tightly to my chest, resting my head against her delicate neck. “Shh,” she murmured softly, her hands trailing slowly through my hair. “I’m here, Sohan,” she added, her voice, velvety and warm, soothing me though I knew I wasn’t worthy of it. As she touched me, light filled the edges of my mind.
I knew the light was coming from her. What I saw was Anamika’s soul revealed by the truth stone. It was bright and lovely, and as she gazed down upon me like the goddess she was, the darkness and guilt inside me shrank and burned away. I basked in the layers of heat and the raw power of the goddess. Slowly, my awareness receded and I slept.
When I woke in my bed, my mind felt calm and still, like a land blanketed by snow. The world around me was soft and new and clean. I put my hands beneath my head and considered what had happened. Ana had given me a gift. Something rare and precious. Her forgiveness and understanding had buried my burdens in a soft marshmallow layer.
I still had the memories. I still knew what lay deep in my soul, but she’d offered me the type of mercy only a goddess could give. She’d absolved me of my guilt and demanded that in return I should learn to forgive myself.
That part would take time.
There was no denying now that Anamika was special. She was a special young girl and she was a special woman. It had taken me a long time to recognize it, but now I had, and I would spend the rest of my life, however long that might be, treating her in a manner that showed my respect.
Throwing back my blanket, I rose, dressed, and headed to the throne room. When I entered, I found her greeting a variety of visitors. The Damon Amulet now hung about her neck. Reaching up to my own, I wondered when she’d taken it. Then I frowned, wondering how she’d gotten me to my room. As a goddess, she was strong, but I’d never seen her lift anything as heavy as me before.
Deciding it was better for me not to think about it, I bowed deeply just as she dismissed a visitor and gave instructions to her guard that no more petitioners would be seen that day. She held out her hand to me and smiled. “Did you sleep well?” she asked.
I squeezed her fingers lightly and answered, “I did, thanks to you.” Glancing around and seeing dozens of gifts scattered around the room, and realizing she’d probably already been working for hours, I added, “You should have woken me. You’ve been busy.”
“Yes. We were gone a long time. There is much work to be done.”
“I’m ready to start when you are,” I said genially.
“There will be time for that later,” she said. “Come, sit by me.”
Rising from her throne, she sat down on the marble steps and held up her hand. I took it and sat beside her. Our shoulders were pressed together, and neither of us felt the need to shift away as we once would have. Ana didn’t withdraw her hand either, so I kept it in mine.
Since I was at a loss for words, she began speaking. “I…I wanted to thank you,” Ana said.
I turned quickly to look at her, thinking she’d lost her mind. A small smile played under her lips, waiting to burst forth. It didn’t make sense. “Thank me?” I said uncertainly. “Why on earth would you want to do that?”
“I didn’t know before,” she said. “That it was you, I mean.”
“It was me, what?”
“It was you who saved me.”
“Saved you? I failed to save you.”
“No, you succeeded.” Ana sighed and pulled my hand in her lap, playing with my fingers. It made me very aware of how close we were. I shifted uncomfortably. “I went back while you were sleeping,” she said softly, as if she were confessing to a crime. “I took her…I mean my memories of you.”
“You did?”
“Yes. When I met you and Ren and Kelsey for the first time, I didn’t know you. Had never seen you before.”
“That’s true,” I said.
“I had to go back and take those memories. My younger self knows that a man saved her, a man who taught her how to use a knife, but she cannot now remember his face. My parents and Sunil have forgotten you as well.”
Nodding, I said, “That was smart.”
“Is it?” she asked, lacing her fingers with mine and glancing up at me. “Maybe if my younger self knew you, we would have fought less when I met you again.”
“Maybe,” I answered. My neck suddenly felt hot. I rubbed my cheek on my shoulder. “It doesn’t matter now though. What’s done is done, right?”
“Right,” she agreed, green eyes peering up into mine. “I remember now, though. I remember everything.”
Swallowing, and trying to wet my mouth after it had suddenly gone dry, I said, “You…you do?”
“Yes. I was with you, you know. When my consciousness merged with my younger self, it was like I was trapped inside her. I saw everything, relived everything.”
I turned away. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m not.”
“How could you not be?” I asked, incredulous.
“I didn’t want to relive my abduction, if that’s what you’re thinking, but it did give me a new insight into it. From my adult perspective, he was a pathetic excuse for a man. I found, more than anything else, that I wanted to reach out and protect my younger self. Now, with my powers, I could kill him just by thinking of it, but the younger me was terrified of him. That fear has stayed with me for many years.
“In my recollections, he was monstrous, inhuman, powerful. Now I have seen him as weak, sick, and truly dead. This revelation was important for me. I’ve had long months to think about it as I was trapped inside the girl who was also trapped inside herself, waiting for you to bring me forth.”
“So, you’re saying you were alert the whole time? Even as she slept?”
“Yes. Even when she died. It was my presence that kept her bound to this mortal realm long enough for her to heal. Without you, she, I mean I, would have died. You see? You did save me. More than once. And since I was the one who took those memories away, I can now remember everything that was hidden from my young mind years ago.”