What had impressed me even more was that she largely ignored Ren. My brother had quickly grown in both charm and stature and had become the favorite in the Rajaram household. He was well read and told the most interesting stories. I felt dull and useless next to him. At that age, he was at least a foot taller and was already a skilled horseman. My father often sought him out for games and to read through long and tedious documents. He claimed Ren could make the most boring scrolls sound interesting.
But then, Ana came. She was amazing and beautiful and fascinating and, what was more, Ana sought me out instead of my brother. Though an honored place at the dinner table was offered to her between my father and Ren, she preferred to sit with me on the other end of the table. I taught her a secret code I’d developed by tapping on the table, and we passed jokes back and forth during dinner. After I had clattered my spoon noisily, earning my father’s disapproval, she lifted hers and did the same. We both began pounding out a short rhythm on our plates. My mother giggled from across the table as my father’s brows furrowed.
When I went out for training with Kadam, she asked if she could come watch and gave me pointers. It was embarrassing. Especially when Ren hit the target more often. I wanted to best him in something, especially when Ana was observing. After I missed the target over and over, she leaned close so only I could hear and promised to show me her most treasured weapon, a bow that never missed, and said she’d let me shoot it.
I woke early the next morning to meet her and she brought out the weapon. I marveled at its craftsmanship, and when I shot arrow after arrow, never missing the target, she stood behind me and taught me how to aim. My twelve-year-old self trembled when she touched me, and I realized I’d felt the connection to her even then. After just a few days, I was already half in love with her.
Then she took up my old bow, sighted the target, and shot. She struck the center with perfect precision, and by the time she was done, I knew I was lost to her charms. “You should never rely on anything or anyone except yourself,” she’d said as she gathered the arrows. “Weapons can fail.”
“Even magical ones?” I asked.
“Even magical ones,” she assured me. “People can deceive you or be made to betray you. Trust in your mind and in your arm. Above all, remember that struggle brings strength. And strength of heart, mind, and spirit defines a man.”
I imagined that she already thought of me as a man. Her words struck my young heart with such force I vowed to remember them forever. My chest swelled and a deep desire to become the kind of man she described filled me. After that, I spent every free moment in her company. I brought her flowers. I regaled her with stories of my meager achievements. To see her smile was all I longed for.
It was I who asked her to call me Sohan. It was something special. A secret we shared. I showed her all my favorite places—the bubbly fountain, the spot in the stable that was always cooler than any other corner, the alcove behind my father’s throne just big enough to hide in. I talked with her for hours about childish things as I brushed my horse and polished armor and was inordinately pleased when she wanted to help me with my chores.
We went on long walks together, played games, and rode horses. She was free and relaxed with me in a way she wasn’t now that I was an adult. She’d always been good with children. Stern but kind and affectionate.
Sometimes my mother or Kadam or even Ren came with us on our adventures, but I was always jealous when she turned her eyes to them. I wanted her all to myself. She was mine. I’d claimed her and they couldn’t have her.
When she announced that she was leaving one morning, I choked on my food. Bitter tears came to my eyes and I left the dinner table abruptly. I don’t know what I’d expected. She had said she’d only stay a short time. My stomach churned as if I’d eaten acid for dinner.
When she found me later, sulking in the stable, she asked why I was so upset.
“I don’t want you to go,” I said, my fists balled at my sides and a boyish glower on my face. Prickly barbs were jabbing my heart, and when she stooped down and touched a fingertip to my nose, I broke into tears.
“Sohan,” she said. “Does a warrior cry over a woman?”
I’d dashed the tears from my hot cheeks. “If he loves her, he does,” I insisted. “My mother said so.”
She rewarded me with one of her beautiful smiles. “I suppose that’s true,” she agreed. “So…you think you love me, then?” she asked.
“Yes,” I pledged, nodding vigorously.
Her eyes shimmered with tears of her own. I could almost see the secrets held within them, threatening to spill over.
Ana’s mouth quirked upward. “And what does a boy know of love?” she asked.
She stood up as if to leave, and boldly, I wrapped my arms tightly around her waist. “Don’t leave,” I begged. “You’ll teach me,” I offered. “Teach me to love you.”
She stiffened at first but then relaxed and tousled my hair before wrapping her arms loosely around me and stroking my back. I’d never loved anything before like I’d loved her in that moment. Not the warm kitten I slept with. Not stolen moments with my mother. Not the baked pastries I smuggled out of the kitchen. I didn’t understand what I was wanting from her. Not really. But I knew I would have done anything to keep her there.
“I’ll tell you a secret, Sohan,” she said, her voice tender and raw.
Sniffling, I lifted my tearstained face to look up at her. “What is it?” I asked.
“The only reason I came here was to see you.”
My mouth opened. “Why?” I’d asked.
“I came because, someday, when you are a man, strong and powerful, we’ll be together. You’ll fight at my side. You’ll be my champion. I thought coming here would help me understand you better.”
“I can do that now,” I swore. “Let me come with you!”
She patted my cheek. “You’re not ready yet. I promise you, though, we’ll see one another again someday. I am certain of it.”
My eyes cleared and I was filled with determination. In that moment, I felt like I’d grown to my full height and taken the first step over the threshold into manhood. I took her hand and pressed it to my forehead, bowing over it. “Then I will prepare myself,” I vowed, “to be ready when you need me.”
Anamika nodded, her glorious hair haloed by the setting sun. “Thank you,” she said. “You’ve given me much to think about.” Her voice had taken on a tinkling, bell-like sound that sent a shiver down my back. It was beautiful and airy, like the burbling of a brook.
She leaned closer and my breath caught in my lungs as she kissed my cheek. It was soft and my young heart pounded wildly. I felt drunk standing in the brightness of her presence, the sun behind her blinding me. Something happened then. A shuffling in my mind like the churning of clouds that slid across the sky, obscuring the light.
A breeze swept through my hair and I inhaled. The scent of roses and jasmine wafted around me, and yet I knew I wasn’t standing in my mother’s garden. Where had it come from? I spun slowly in a circle, wondering why I was standing where I was and why my face was wet. I struggled to remember, but it was like trying to block a charging elephant. It was an impossible task.
Something was wrong. Something was missing. I just couldn’t remember what it was. I asked my mother about it but she couldn’t help me. There was a sadness in my heart though I couldn’t understand why. The only thing that had stayed with me after she left was a yearning, a longing for something or someone. She’d erased her visit from all of our memories.
Slowly, I came back to myself after weaving the returned memories into my mind. I opened my eyes and blinked a few times. I frowned. Anamika wasn’t exactly like I remembered. Cupping her face with my hand, I said, “Change back. I want to see the real you.”