I had to stop letting my mind play tricks on me. Dangling thoughts of the past in front of me to torture me. Especially because I had a feeling I was going to be dragged into the middle of whatever the outcome of Beau and Reid on the track together again.
“Do you not want to go?” he asked. “Is there a reason we shouldn’t?”
“No,” I answered quickly. “I mean... no reason I can think of.” I wanted to be honest with him. I wanted to tell him that I’d talked to Reid about what had happened between us, but hearing his reaction to Reid “showing up” all the time and his desire to beat him at a race made it seem like a bad time. How do you tell your boyfriend that you think you might still have feelings for an ex? I knew what it was like to have the rug pulled out from underneath you and I didn’t want to do that to him. Especially when I was still unsure about what I really wanted. Or better yet, who I wanted to be with. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“Like a serious question.” He nodded in response. “What kind of future do you see for us?”
“Long term?”
“I guess.” I honestly didn’t know what I meant. I’d never pictured the long term. I was doing my best with the day to day.
“The typical timeline, I guess,” he answered. “Whatever you want.” He shrugged. “Why the sudden interest?”
“I’ve just been thinking lately.”
“We could move in together if you wanted,” he suggested. I pondered the idea for about ten seconds before deciding I was nowhere close to ready to take a step like that. I envisioned myself pulling into the driveway in the subdivision on the east side of town where Beau lived. His house was nice. Recently built, with everything a girl could want—a big kitchen, decked out bathroom, walk-in closets. But as nice as it sounded, it wasn’t me that I pictured living there with him. It would have been very reassuring to my psyche if I’d been able to at least take the mental step of living with Beau.
“Yeah, maybe,” I replied. Or maybe not. I felt like an ass for not being able to give him an answer one way or another, but how could I? And, it’s not like he seemed gung-ho about the whole thing either. We could move in together and then he was eating french fries like he hadn’t just asked me to make a life altering decision. A little enthusiasm would have been nice. From either of us. I had a lot of thinking to do and neither Beau, nor Reid, was making it any easier.
After I’d eaten my feelings in the form of a bacon cheeseburger, I kissed Beau on the cheek and told him I’d call him later.
“Is something wrong?” he asked, reaching out a hand and pulling me back to him before I walked away. “You’re not acting like yourself.”
“Nothing’s wrong,” I told him while trying to remember the last time I actually felt like myself, whoever that was. “I’ll see you later,” I smiled at him before squeezing his hand once before letting go.
On one hand, I was this girl that seemed to have it all together. I had a good job, a nice boyfriend…I was content. On the other hand, I was seriously tempted to be reckless and forget about the seemingly normal life I had made for myself. To throw caution to the wind and be with Reid.