“No, you didn’t,” I murmured, staring into his haunted gaze. “You just complicated it a little.” Brushing my skirt with suddenly nerve-damp fingers, I added, “But you can’t tell me what to do, Penn. Just like you couldn’t pretend you were something you weren’t.”
I closed the distance between us. “I agree you screwed up. You should’ve given me a chance when you first came to find me. You should’ve trusted in what you felt that night and let me explain.”
His throat worked as he swallowed. “I’m an idiot.”
“You’re not. You’re just not used to trusting people.”
“If I trust you, Elle, I give you everything I have. I don’t—I don’t know if I can.”
I squeezed my fingers with his. He reluctantly squeezed me back, then almost crippled me with pressure-filled apology.
I brought our joined hands to my mouth and kissed his knuckles. “You have to. Because I’ve already given you everything I have. Even if we end up killing each other, you have every piece of me.”
Penn smiled sadly, utterly solitary and unreachable. “I don’t deserve that.”
He said it as if rejecting my gift.
I’d come here to be connected, yet at that moment, all I felt was loneliness. It wasn’t just physical distance this time but emotional. Penn successfully tugged on all my self-doubt and made me wish things could’ve been different.
That we’d clung to each other that first night.
That I’d been honest and he’d been honest, and we’d fought for each other.
But things weren’t different and could never be.
We had to fight for our future, not what went wrong in our past.
“I can’t have that responsibility,” he whispered. “I can’t let you give me what I’ve always wanted when I don’t fucking deserve it.”
“But you do—”
His lips twisted into a snarl. “I don’t. I was wrong, okay? You were never spoiled. I know how hard you work for your company. I see how much you dote on your father. I understand how Belle Elle and its staff wouldn’t exist without you. You’re so much better than any dream version I could’ve created of you, and that...well, it fucking terrifies me.”
He looked at the floor, severing our connection. “That night in the limo...I was going to break it off. Hell, I was supposed to break it off with you the first time I let you walk out of my apartment without me and almost got hurt by that asshole on the street. I told myself I didn’t care what happened to you. I’d got what I wanted. You’d gotten what you wanted. We were through. But that fucking night three years ago.”
He squeezed my fingers. “I can’t explain it. Maybe I was so lonely I would’ve fallen for anyone who treated me with kindness. Perhaps, I would’ve handed over my soul to the first girl who saw past my rags and lack of riches and kissed me. But I don’t think that’s true. It was you, Elle.” His eyes shone with dark passion. “I fell for you the second I met you. I don’t care if that’s idiotic or improbable; it’s true. The one piece of truth I could never hide with the countless lies I told. I just—”
His head hung. His fingers spasmed. “I’m sorry.”
All my fight trickled away.
I walked into his embrace, slotting myself neatly into him as he rested his chin on my scalp. “I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry I didn’t find you. I’m sorry I left you.”
“You have nothing to apologize for.”
“I do.” I kissed his t-shirt over his heart, doing my best not to inhale the scent of imprisonment and cheap detergent. “And I might as well apologize for this, too.”
He pulled away, searching my eyes. “For what?”
“For this.” Standing on my tiptoes, I pulled his head down to mine.
My lips slotted over his, and I held on, linking my fingers tight around his nape as he tried to yank away. “Kiss me.” I fed into his mouth. “Trust me.” I poured down his throat.
We needed this now more than ever.
We’d ripped off scabs over old wounds. We needed to heal them rather than let them scar.
“Elle—” His hands landed on my hips, holding me firm. “Stop...” His voice said one thing, but his mouth said another. Slowly, he turned from stiff to pliant, unyielding to full participant.
His head tilted, angling me closer, kissing me deeper.
My anxiety quickened then lessened. My need thickened then loosened.
This was our night.
I wouldn’t let him steal it.
“If we do this, there’s no turning back...you understand?” He broke the kiss, whispering so soft my ears strained to catch it. “You let me have you, then you accept that I might never get out of here. That you’ll forever be restricted to a lover who can’t touch you, hug you, hang out and watch movies with you. If you stay, that’s it...the sum future I can offer you.”
He brushed his lips over mine. “I’m giving you a way out, Elle. Say the word, and I’ll let you go. It will fucking kill me. You’ll rip my heart out, and I’ll die in here, but at least I’ll be happy knowing you were free. Leave me, Elle. Don’t let me get away with stealing yet more from you.”
He was so open, so ardent.
He didn’t have a clue he just glued me to him for the rest of my life.
My lips twitched. I hid my smile for as long as I could before it crept over me. “Tell me one thing. Then I’ll make my choice.”
He swallowed hard as if bracing himself for me to walk out of this room and take him up on his offer. But even in his terror, he nodded with shoulders braced. There stood Nameless, not Penn. The man in the hoodie who drove off two men to protect me. He’d drive himself off, too, if it meant protecting me from him.
That’s what he’s trying to do by refusing to sleep with me tonight.
Well, it wouldn’t work.
He was mine. Simple.
“Tell me you don’t love me.” I placed both palms on his chest. His muscles beneath my fingertips rose and fell with rapid breath. “Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me and I’ll go. I’ll leave you alone.”
He crumpled. The answer blared so loud and bright it filled the entire room. It didn’t matter he’d said it already with admitting he’d fallen for me three years ago. I let him verbalize, so we both knew he could never take it back. That he willingly admitted that despite wanting to live in an ideal world with picnics and vacations and lazy Sundays in bed, we might never have that. This might be our world with precious conjugal visits and achingly hard visitation.
But love would overcome that.
It had to.
Because I didn’t want, couldn’t stomach the thought of loving anyone else.
Finally, his shoulders realigned into confident, not angry. His spine unlocked. His face shed its mask, and his voice said what his eyes had all along.