Without a single word to Hailey, I walked to the bathroom and locked the door. I slumped against it, the darkness closing in on me. But it wasn’t enough to shut out the memory. Nothing would be enough.
I turned the bathroom light on. The bright light glared at me from above the mirror like an interrogation lamp. It wanted to know the truth as much as everyone else did. Everyone but me.
The lower corner of the mirror was chipped, something I hadn’t noticed before. My gaze continued up the smudged surface and caught sight of my reflection. I was a mess. I mean, appearance-wise I looked fine. My shirt and jeans were clean and wrinkle free. But the guy who’d gone to the nightclub with his girl and best friend was not the same one staring back at me in the mirror. This guy looked exhausted, beaten. Forever scarred.
With my clothes still on, I climbed into the shower and turned the cold water on. I stood in the stream of water, doing my best to hold back the building sobs. Once I was soaked through, my body shivering to the point where I couldn’t remain standing if I tried, I slid down the shower wall.
I wrapped my arms around my bent knees, rested my head against them, and silently cried. For my mom. For my sister. For the guy I used to be.
Through the hammering of water against the tub, I was vaguely aware of banging on the door.
“Nolan.” Hailey’s sweet voice broke through the fog in my head. “Are you okay?”
I turned the water off. “Yes.” The word came out as a harsh croak.
She must not have believed me, because she was standing outside the door when I opened it a minute later.
“Oh, God, Nolan…” Several emotions I couldn’t get a firm grip on filled her beautiful, warm brown eyes.
I used to be able to get lost in those eyes and nothing could bother me. But that had been a lifetime ago. I dropped my gaze from hers, not wanting her to see into the deepest recesses of my soul. I wanted to make some smart-ass comment, like how I’d forgotten to remove my clothes before getting into the shower. Anything to keep her from guessing the truth. But what I wanted to do and what I did were in opposite hemispheres.
Besides, this was Hailey. This wasn’t a random chick I’d screwed around with after a show. Hailey knew me. She knew the real me. Even as kids, she’d had a knack for understanding what I was thinking and feeling.
Except for the part where I was in love with her. She’d never figured that out.
Hailey was the first to recover from the shock of what I’d done. She grabbed a towel from the towel rack and wrapped it around my shoulders. Then she led me to my room. Water dripped from my clothing onto the carpet, marking a damp trail down the hall.
In my room, she peeled the clothes off my body. A few minutes ago I would’ve been more than thrilled to have her do this while I removed her clothes. Now I could only stand there like a helpless child, too exhausted to stop her, too drained to care.
If this was how it would be with a sliver of the memory, what would I be like if I remembered everything? I couldn’t afford that. I suspected it would destroy what little was left of me. That’d be great if I wanted to spend my musical career writing nothing but angst-filled songs. But that wasn’t what Pushing Limits was. That wasn’t what the fans wanted.
My boxer briefs clung to my body like a wet rag. I was still shivering. I wasn’t even sure anymore if it had anything to do with the impromptu cold shower, the temperature of the room, or something deeper. Or some combination of all three.
She took hold of my hand and led me to my bed. The warmth of her hand cut through the chill claiming my body for its own. Icy water dripped from my wet hair and down my face and back. Hailey picked up the towel from the ground and towel-dried my hair. Then she pulled back the bedcovers and indicated for me to climb under them. But they weren’t enough to warm me up.
I closed my eyes. That was all I had the energy to do.
The mattress dipped under Hailey’s weight as she climbed onto the bed. She wrapped her almost naked but toasty body around me and kissed my forehead and my cheek. Then her lips pressed gently against mine.
Before I could open my mouth and taste her, she pulled away. “I’ll stay here, Nolan,” she whispered, “for as long as you need.” She snuggled against my body, her arm keeping me close.
That was the last thing I remembered before exhaustion dragged me down.
Chapter 17
Hailey
When Nolan and I were eleven years old, his family had owned the cutest little golden retriever puppy. For years he’d asked his parents for a dog. That and a guitar were all he ever wanted. His parents had eventually given in and gave him the puppy for his birthday. The dog meant the world to him.
He was Nolan’s first and only pet.