‘Jesse!’
I look up and find Ava scrambling out of a car, her face frantic. I choke on nothing, bringing my balled fists to my temples and pushing into my skull. I want to go to her, shorten the time it’ll take for her to make it to me, but my body refuses to function. So I remain on my arse, watching as she runs full pelt across the gravel towards me. I see her catch sight of the body bags. I see the falter in her stride. And when she finally makes it to me, she stops at my feet, looking down at my broken form. I’m struggling to keep my head up, but now she’s this close, now I can see her, every perfect detail on her face, my body finds some life and manages to push its way up until I’m standing. She’s biting her lip, her eyes brimming. I have nothing for her, only the agonising news. ‘She fucking killed John.’
Her inhale is sharp, the tears instant. ‘No,’ she whispers, looking back to the stretcher. ‘I tried to stop him.’ Her voice is breaking. ‘Oh my God, Jesse.’ She chokes over her words. ‘I’m so sorry.’ Her palms come up to her face, like she’s hiding, ashamed of herself.
I snatch them away. ‘Don’t you fucking apologise,’ I warn, at risk of flying off the handle again. ‘Don’t you dare, Ava.’
‘The app. The trackers on the cars. I realised what you were trying to tell me, and then John showed up and I told him. He took my phone. I couldn’t stop him. I called the police from the house.’ The impact of her body hitting mine when she throws herself into my arms nearly takes me off my feet. ‘I’m so sorry.’ She sobs, and I shake my head into her, holding her as tight as my aching shoulder will allow. ‘I thought I’d never see you again. I thought it was the end of the road.’
I hold her tighter. Fuck the pain. It’s nothing compared to the agony in my heart. ‘Our road never ends, baby.’ I close my eyes and sink my face into her soft neck, searching for the comfort I know I can find. ‘Never.’
‘I remembered.’ Her sobs are loud between her words. She’s not bothering to try to restrain her emotions. I’m glad, because I’m fucked if I can. My tears are unstoppable, soaking my cheeks and her neck. ‘I remembered everything.’
‘I know.’ I’m soul-destroyed that her avalanche of memories was triggered by such a bleak, distressing moment in our history. Absolutely destroyed. There are a million wonderful and pinnacle moments in our lives together. Why did it have to be Lauren? ‘I’m just so sorry it happened like that.’
She pulls out of my hold, shaking her head mildly. ‘It wasn’t her that triggered it all.’ Reaching for my face, she tenderly feels down my wet cheek. ‘It was the pure terror in your eyes. I’d seen it before.’
I choke on my emotions, dropping my gaze until she forces my chin up. ‘John’s gone,’ I choke. I can barely see her through my blurry vision.
Lip wobbling, she collects me in her arms and hugs me with the force and love that I so need. ‘He would never have let anything hurt you,’ she says, her voice thick. ‘The man was a fucking warrior, and a stubborn one, too.’ I can’t even bring myself to pull her up on her bad language. ‘He’s gone because he knows how much I need you. How much the kids need you.’ She takes my hand and lays it over her tummy. I’m not sure who’s leaking the most tears now, her or me. I furiously wipe at my face, sniffing back my sadness. ‘He’s my hero, too.’ She takes the top of my arm and rubs, frowning when I suck in air. ‘What’s this?’
‘A graze.’ I brush her off, not wanting to worry her. Not that she takes much notice. The short, bloody sleeve of my T-shirt is thrust up, revealing a tidy hole in my arm.
‘Oh my God!’
‘It’s fine.’ Once again I fight her off and once again she wins, slapping me away. ‘Ava, for fuck’s sake, it’s fine. Stop flapping.’
‘Have you had it looked at?’
‘I’m in no mood to be poked and pulled about.’
She snorts, pointing to the paramedic hovering nearby. ‘Now, Ward, or so help me.’ Her expression is fierce as she scrubs at her wet face, and I shrink where I stand, thinking better of arguing back. I don’t speak, and I also don’t move, so Ava seizes my hand and all but manhandles me to the ambulance. ‘Don’t make me hurt you, Ward.’
Wide-eyed, I let her shove me onto the back of the ambulance and onto a waiting bed. She’s taking no prisoners. And through my crippling hurt, anger and guilt, I manage to locate some gratitude.
My wife is back. All of her is back, and it’s back with a fucking bang.
Chapter 56
Eight months later
Nothing can prepare you for the loss of someone you adore with every fibre of your being. Nor the grief or heartache that accompanies that loss. A big hole has been left in my very existence by the loss of John, yet my heart is bursting with joyful memories. He was never far away, always there to pick me up when I fell down. His life was dedicated to me. To watching over me, to keeping his promise to his best friend. John was a good man, the best, and no matter how I try to angle my thoughts, he didn’t deserve to go. It wasn’t his time.
Lauren, however, needed to die. That may sound sadistic. Maybe it is. But all I’ve wondered is how draining and damaging it must have been to live with so many demons. The reality is, I can’t. I’ve been in some pretty dark places. Have wanted to give up. But the victim in my journey through self-destruction was me and me alone. I never set out to hurt anyone. I never wanted revenge.
All I really wanted was inner peace.
As I sit on the steps in the garden, I watch Ava negotiate her pregnant belly to dip and pick up the hose. And I think for the first time in my existence, I really do have that peace. It’s a blanket around me, warm and secure. It defies reason, really. More trauma and stress have been stirred into our already overflowing pot of shit, yet now I feel almost tranquil. Initially, after we walked away from that barn, I wondered how we would ever get over what had happened. The elation of Ava finding her memories was saddened by the loss of John. I got myself in a state over the twins, what they saw, what they heard.
It was only when we sat down with a family therapist at the suggestion of the liaison officer that I really realised that my babies truly weren’t babies any more. Not with their level heads, their matter-of-fact approach. I’d underestimated them at every turn. Tried to keep them wrapped up in cotton wool and protected from the world. I failed. My past caught up with me again, but the twins looked at me that day, square in the eye, and told me that they were proud of me. Not ashamed like I feared they would be. They were proud of me.
I broke down, didn’t even try not to. I’m human. I’m a dad. A husband. My family is both my biggest weakness and my greatest strength. I live and breathe for them, and that will never change. Until the day I die, it will always be about them.
I look over my shoulder when I hear Maddie talking, seeing her wandering back into the house with her phone to her ear. She’s talking to some boy. My instinct is to go after her, to confiscate that fucking phone. But I wisely stay on my arse where I’m safe from my wife’s wrath. Maddie’s twelve. How serious can it be? I growl at her back and shake my head, returning my attention to the garden before I change my mind and go and trample her arse.
Jacob’s in the distance smacking tennis balls over the net, practising his serve.