My head begins to ache.
‘Stop it,’ Ava says across the car, looking at me like she knows what I’m thinking. She undoubtedly does. My wife can read me like a book. Now, given the dam holding back her memories, I’m even more amazed at her ability. Her hand lands on my thigh. I breathe out deeply and squeeze her fingers. ‘Why don’t you tell me about our first scan with the twins,’ she suggests, clearly trying to distract me from my worry. It works.
My sharp bout of laughter fills the car. That moment. The lack of feeling in my legs when the doctor pointed to two heartbeats. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. But my amusement fades when I remember how we came to be in hospital having an unscheduled scan. A scan to check if my babies were still alive. My stomach turns, endless flashbacks assaulting my mind – Ava’s accident, my stolen car . . . the sight of blood trickling down her bare leg. I shudder, and I know Ava feels it because she shifts in her seat, facing me, looking at my disposition with a roadmap of lines on her forehead.
‘What is it, Jesse? You’re white as a sheet.’
‘Nothing.’ Shit, I need to pull myself around. I summon a smile to reassure her. There will be no mention of my stolen car or how the driver ran Ava off the road. That was the beginning of the events that would lead to the worst moments of our lives. She doesn’t need that information. Not now. Maybe never. ‘The day of our first scan,’ I muse, refocusing my attention on the road. ‘You didn’t know I was a twin back then.’
‘I didn’t?’ She sounds surprised, and that shouldn’t be surprising. ‘Why?’
I shrug a little, all casual. ‘You know by now that I had a past. That was one of the most painful parts, and talking about it wasn’t high on my agenda.’ I turn a smile onto her when she tightens her grip around mine. ‘When the doctor told us there were two heartbeats in that tummy of yours, I went into shock.’
She chuckles lightly, the sound so sweet and pure, her hand lowering to her stomach and circling.
‘I never anticipated twins, and when I found out we were having them, I was catapulted back to a time I always kept buried.’ Now her smile is sad, as is mine. So I decide to rid us of the downhearted atmosphere, because, ultimately, it was a wonderful moment. Once I’d got past the shock. ‘The doctor told us he could hear two perfect heartbeats. Just like that. Two. It came from left field.’ I laugh a little, remembering with perfect clarity the weightlessness of my body in that moment, because there was a heartbeat to be heard, and that was a relief beyond no other after the accident, but there was also a sense of utter confusion that came with it. ‘My brain must have malfunctioned, because all I remember thinking was, my baby has two hearts? I think I actually said it, too.’
Ava bursts out laughing. The sound and her clear amusement has me laughing, too. This is what it’s all about. The good stuff, the happy memories. I keep questioning my decision to hold back on the crappy shit, but when I see her like this, so joyful and spirited, that questioning is masked by the sight of her looking so contented.
‘You thought it was rather amusing at the time, too.’ I flash her a devilish smirk. ‘You savage.’
‘So that was when you told me about your brother?’
I nod, pulling into the car park of the hospital. ‘It seemed like the right moment. We had a bath, you lay on me for ever, and I shared the story of me and Jacob.’ I flip her a wink. ‘Then we made each other come in the tub.’
‘Seems like a damn fine way to finish off an emotionally stressful day.’
Oh, she has no idea. ‘When I’m lost in you, there’s no room in my mind for anything else. You’re the best kind of relief, Ava. Always have been, always will be.’ I zip into a parking space and turn off the engine, turning to face her. ‘As long as you always remember that, you and I will be just fine.’
She doesn’t protest my claim, doesn’t even flash me a displeased look. Instead, she crawls across the car and puts herself on my lap. Her dark eyes are shining, true contentment reflecting back at me. Pushing her forehead to mine, she sighs into my face as my palms hold her waist. ‘I will always remember that,’ she vows, and I wince, hoping she didn’t misinterpret my statement.
‘I wasn’t suggesting you should give up all of your memories just if you remember that.’
‘I know you weren’t.’ Her hands lie over my cheeks, her gaze sinking into mine. ‘But you’re right. I may have to accept that I’ve found all the memories I’m going to find, and you have to, too, Jesse.’ Her words are soft, pacifying, and the fact she’s right strikes me painfully. That’s the reality of it. ‘I’ve got the most important things. You, and the twins. And my life.’
I glance away, a pain so intense bolting through me, making me flinch. ‘Ava, don’t.’
‘But I’m right.’ She forces my face back to hers. ‘I’ve thought about nothing but. I know this is where I’m supposed to be. With you and those two gorgeous kids. The love I have inside me is fierce, and it tells me above all things that I’m home. I can sacrifice a few memories for the sake of that feeling. You need to be with me on this. Continue to tell me the things that matter, but don’t beat yourself up when it doesn’t trigger anything. You’ll kill yourself off with stress. I need you. Now more than ever.’
Fuck, I have a wobbly lip. How can she be so together? I absorb her every word, but there are a few in her statement that resonate deeply. Continue to tell me the things that matter.
‘I will.’ My voice is thick with emotion, and my head is thick with a nasty mixture of shame and determination. It may seem cowardly, but I ignore the former and kiss her deeply, taking the relief I find in our intimacies. ‘We’ll be late.’ I nibble the corner of her mouth and break away, opening the car door. ‘Let’s go meet our baby.’ The happy gleam in her eyes pulls me back from the brink of some confessions. It’s my job to protect her, and that is exactly what I’m doing.
*
She’s turning the pages of her magazine at an epic rate, telling me they’re not being read, just skimmed. It’s something to keep her occupied while we wait to be called. Something to busy her fidgety hands. The moment we sat down, any semblance of her calmness fled. It’s got me all nervous. I place a hand on her magazine, blocking the next page turn. She looks up at me.
‘What’s up?’ I ask. She tosses the magazine on the table in front of us, closes her eyes, and starts to breathe in long, carefully controlled breaths. ‘Ava, baby, what’s the matter?’
‘Look around, Jesse,’ she practically whispers, making a quick scope of the waiting room herself. ‘All these couples.’
We’re one of six couples here. You’d think given the condition of these women, they’d give them something a little more comfortable than these plastic chairs to sit on. With that thought, I collect Ava from the hard chair beside me and put her on my far comfier lap. ‘I don’t follow,’ I admit, ignoring the interested looks of the other men in the waiting room. They should take a leaf out of my book. Their wives’ arses must be numb. Mine’s not far from it.
‘They’re all so young.’
Well, ouch. She may as well have just kicked me in the gut. I glance around, noting she’s not far off the mark. With the realisation comes another bout of doubt. Doubt. It’s a bastard thing, can worm its way into the most confident of men and eat him alive from the inside out. Well, I won’t let it. My chest swells and my chin rises. And I glare at all the twenty-and thirty-something fathers-to-be, unable to stop myself. I might be fifty, but I’m more man than any of them.
‘They might be younger, baby, but we have experience.’ I nod decisively.