‘Okay.’ She breaks away and heads towards Ava’s room.
‘I’ll give her some time with Ava before I head down.’ Kate links arms with me. ‘Come on, I’ll walk you to your car.’
I let Kate’s pregnant belly lead the way to the car park, trying to psych myself up for what lies ahead. It’s a waste. Nothing can prepare me.
‘Jesse, you should know there was a report in the local newspaper yesterday about the accident. They mentioned Ava, you, even the damn health club. And her memory loss.’ She shrugs when I throw her a questioning look. ‘They’re asking for witnesses.’
I sigh. ‘The police already told me she didn’t have her seat belt on.’ I’m still so furious with her but unable to unleash it. ‘Apparently she was reaching into her bag for her phone.’ I swallow, batting back my anger. ‘She has Bluetooth. I don’t know why she’d need her phone.’
‘A text. An e-mail.’
I nod, though no excuse could make her recklessness okay. ‘Elizabeth and Joseph are taking the kids to the coast for a while,’ I tell Kate, feeling her look up at me in surprise. ‘This is too much for Ava, Kate,’ I start to explain, hoping she gets where I’m coming from. ‘I can see how overwhelmed she is. Me, the kids, sixteen years of missing memories. You’re one of the only people in her life that she actually knows right now.’
‘So what are you going to do?’ Kate brings us to a stop and turns towards me. The huge Hospital sign past her on the side of the colossal building is glowing, despite it still being daylight. An important beacon. I’m sick of the sight of it. Unreasonably, I want to rip it from the bricks and set it alight.
‘She might not ever get her memories back, Kate.’ I shrug and brace myself for what I’m about to say, daunted. ‘I’m a stranger to her. Just a man. So I have to go back to the beginning and try to make her fall in love with me again.’
Kate places her hand on my arm. ‘You did it before. You can do it again.’
I laugh a little under my breath, looking past Ava’s best friend. ‘I thank my lucky stars every day of my life that I found her, Kate. That for all my faults, she loved me.’ I smile a strained smile, one that’s full of the sadness I feel. ‘It’s a crazy miracle that she accepted me in the first place. I feel like she was my one-in-a-million chance. What if my chance has gone? What if I can’t make her see?’ I reach up to my chest and push my fist into my pec, trying to stem the building pain. ‘It would be the end of me.’
‘Where’s the Jesse Ward we all know and love?’ Kate asks seriously, punching me lightly on the bicep.
‘Love?’ I ask on a slight hitch of an amused eyebrow.
‘Yes, love,’ she retorts adamantly, following up her previous light punch with a not so light one. ‘Defeated doesn’t suit you, Jesse. Ava didn’t marry a quitter. In fact, I think you’ll find she married you because you didn’t quit. A man who doesn’t give a shit what people think. A man who tramples anything in his sight to get what he wants. Do you want her back?’
I look at her, stunned. ‘What?’
‘Your wife. Do you want her back?’
‘Stupid fucking question,’ I mutter. ‘And ease off with the punching, will you?’
She ignores my scorn and points a finger in my face, forcing me to retreat or have it sinking into my eye socket. Kate’s one of those people in this world who you can’t help but respect, even if you don’t always agree with her. And now she’s pregnant, so I would be wise not to argue. ‘Then do what you do best and fight for her.’ Pulling her bag onto her shoulder, she battles to control her wobbling lip. ‘My best friend didn’t marry a fucking pussy.’
My eyes bug, and then I laugh a little. Call me what you like, but don’t ever call me a fucking pussy. ‘Watch your fucking mouth,’ I mutter, loud but sheepishly, attracting the attention of many people in the vicinity, not that I’m much bothered by it.
Kate marches past me. Or as well as a heavily pregnant woman can march, which is more of a wobble. ‘Save it for your wife,’ she yells over her shoulder.
‘I’m not a fucking pussy,’ I bark at an old man who’s stupid enough to come too close. He nearly jumps out of his skin and hotfoots it away from me. There’s no room for guilt. It was him or Kate, and Sam would skin me alive if I upset her.
I stalk to my car, yank the door open, and throw myself into the seat, looking into the rear-view mirror. Jesus, Lord, the state of me. I’m not exactly enhancing my chances of succeeding in making my wife fall in love with me when I look like this. I need to straighten myself out. Desperately. And I need to do it before I pick up the kids. They need to see me looking as normal as possible, so when I explain to them what is happening, they will know that I am 100 per cent together, and I need them to be, too.
Chapter 11
When I pull up outside my parents’ home, a small bungalow nestled in an idyllic suburb on the outskirts of the city, the kids are out the door before I’ve had a chance to shut off the engine. The smile that crosses my face isn’t forced. They’re the only respite I have at the moment, the only peace in my rocky world, and while holding it together in front of them is adding to my exhaustion, I’m feeding off their love and their need to be close to me right now.
Jumping out of my car, I remove my shades and brace myself for their attack. They reach me at the same time, each finding their places in my side.
‘Can we go now?’ Maddie asks, looking up at me.
It’s the question I was prepared for, yet the words I’ve practised all morning disappear on me. ‘Let’s head inside,’ I say, leading them towards the front door. ‘I need to talk to you guys.’
‘What is it?’ Jacob’s gone from my side in a heartbeat. ‘Is it Mum? Is she okay?’
‘She’s fine,’ I assure him, placing my hand on his mop of dirty-blond hair and pulling him back into me. ‘I’ve been thinking, and I want to share my thoughts with you two.’
‘What about?’ Maddie asks.
‘Are you going to stop us going to the hospital again?’ Jacob’s tone is defensive. ‘You are, aren’t you, Dad? Why? Doesn’t Mum want to see us?’
My heart bleeds, and I hold him tighter into my side. ‘She’s desperate to see you.’ I stretch the truth a little, if only for the sake of my kids. I’ve caught Ava a few times this week feeling her tummy, and I know every time she’s had a shower she’s been studying the small collection of stretch marks on her stomach, trying to get her head around the fact that she’s a mother of eleven-year-old twins.
When I asked her if she wanted to see her children, I could sense the mental battle she was having in her head, and the tears flowed quickly after. Listening to my wife tell me that she didn’t want to disappoint them tore my heart out. And when she begged me to help her remember them, getting herself in a state, crying and shouting, I decided what needed to be done. I need to tell her our story from the very beginning in the only way I know how. With actions. Where to start is the biggest question.
I look up to the front door and see my mum and dad standing on the porch watching us. Their faces are both sad. I know Mum can’t bear seeing me like this. I try to disguise my devastation, but there’s nothing a son can keep from his mother, whether he’s ten or fifty.
I give my father a strained smile when he raises his hand, telling me he’s got it covered, so diverting the kids away from the door, I walk them down to the garden and sit them on the bench overlooking Dad’s vegetable patch.
‘She’s trying so hard to get better for you both,’ I tell them. ‘And I need to help her do that.’
‘You mean remember us,’ Maddie corrects me, holding my hand as if she could fall down a hole if she let go of me. She’s keeping me from falling down that hole, too.
I nod, not prepared to lie, and crouch down in front of them, squeezing their hands. ‘You see, there’s a small part of Mum’s brain that’s not quite working properly at the moment.’