Not that it matters. She looks up at me, and our stares instantly lock, her brown eyes gazing deeply into mine as I squeeze her hands. Her lips part a fraction, and something appears in her eyes – something familiar. Desire. It’s faint, but it’s there, a small reaction, and I cling to it with everything I have.
‘You feel that?’ I whisper, starting to fiddle with her ring myself. Her slight nod forces me to swallow down my relief before it chokes me. ‘That’s just the very beginning, Ava. That’s just the spark that set our worlds alight.’ Determination is now running rampant through my veins, that small reaction driving it. ‘This head of yours.’ I gently stroke down her cheek, relishing her slight nuzzle into my palm. ‘It’s been consumed by me for twelve years, lady. I’m not about to let you forget our story. I will make you remember. It’s my mission objective. I’ll do anything.’
She sniffles, nodding, and everything tells me that she’s accepting so easily because there’s something inside telling her that she should trust me. That she belongs with me. ‘That smell,’ she says out of the blue, tugging me towards her. I go with ease, a little taken aback when she buries her face in my neck, no matter how amazing it feels to have her so close. She inhales deeply and I wrap my arms around her as best I can, not missing the opportunity she’s instigated. ‘It’s my favourite smell.’
I smile and close my eyes. ‘I know.’
Chapter 9
Ava
I don’t recognise him. Not visually, anyway, but my body seems to know exactly who he is. It’s like he’s familiar to me, yet I can’t place him. He’s handsome, so very handsome; I can see it even through the sallowness of his skin and the glaze of his tired eyes. His scent, a mix of fresh water and the freshest mint, is my favourite, though I don’t think I’ve ever smelled it before. His face, cut with stress, is harsh but soft. His green eyes are sad but hopeful.
He looks at me like I’m his saviour and his downfall. I feel lost. Lost and bewildered. I’m listening to what people are saying – the doctor, my mum – and it’s impossible to comprehend what they’re telling me. I’m married. I have eleven-year-old twins. I’m not in my early twenties, but in my late thirties. It’s madness, and if it weren’t for my mother, the woman I trust most in the world, backing up what the doctor’s saying, I wouldn’t believe it. I wouldn’t believe the gaps they’re filling in with wild tales of my love for this man and our life together.
We were married within a couple of months of knowing each other. I was pregnant within a few weeks. That doesn’t sound like me. I’ve never been hasty when it comes to life-changing decisions, nor careless. I’ve always been independent and ambitious. The woman they are telling me I am doesn’t sound like me.
Yet, this man who has been here almost constantly makes something inside me kick. My heart pumps faster when he is here. And my brain feels like it’s trying to jump-start, trying to dislodge memories that I’ve lost. Memories of him? I’m a mother. I’m a wife. And I have no idea how I’m supposed to do either of those jobs.
I have to go home with a man I do not know. I have to take care of two children I do not know. Yet everything inside me is telling me to do it. The man, my husband, he radiates comfort. When he held me and let me cry into his chest, I suddenly didn’t feel lost any more. I felt safe, and I’m not sure if that feeling was spiked by my need for someone to just hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay, or if it was simply him that made me feel that way. Just him.
My husband.
Chapter 10
‘This is the stupidest idea you’ve ever had, Jesse, and you’ve had some pretty stupid ideas in your time.’ Elizabeth slams her empty coffee cup down on the table, enraged by my suggestion.
I don’t flinch, maybe because I’m numb. But my stupid idea is the best chance of getting Ava better.
It’s been three days since she woke up. Three days of tears, frustration and hopelessness. For both of us.
I’ve sat in that room studying her, watching her mind spin, her eyes squint, her breaths turn shallow as she fights to regain her lost memories. She’s seen a therapist who wants to continue the sessions once she leaves the hospital. Ava sounded noncommittal when she murmured her agreement and scheduled another appointment. I don’t blame her. That hour was a stress-fest for both of us, each question posed by the therapist resulting in tears from Ava and further agony for me.
She can’t remember anything about us.
The doctor says she’s ready to go home, but she’s going home with a man she’s basically known for three days and a couple of kids who are strangers to her. The pain that thought causes in my chest is excruciating, but that’s how it is. I’m being brutally honest with myself and with Elizabeth.
Ava doesn’t know us. It’s my cold, hard reality.
‘I don’t want the kids to feel how I’m feeling, Elizabeth. I don’t want them to see their mother looking at them like they’re strangers, because it’s fucking agony.’
‘But the doctor said she needs her family around her to help her remember.’
I slam my fist on the table, my frustration getting the better of me. I only feel mildly guilty when Ava’s mother jumps out of her chair. ‘She thinks she’s twenty-two, for fuck’s sake. She’s still single in her head, just starting out in her career. Everything after that is gone, and I will move fucking mountains to make sure she finds me and the twins amid that chaos in her poor head.’
I take a breath and sit back, leaving silence between us. It’s a novelty to see my mother-in-law rendered speechless. ‘I’m asking you to take the children on holiday for me. Keep their minds busy. Let them be kids. I promise you, Elizabeth, I swear, I just know if I can spike memories of me and Ava, how we met, how we fell in love, the rest will follow naturally. You have to trust me. I’ve talked to the school. They’re understanding and supportive, given the circumstances.’
‘How long do you want?’
I shrug. ‘A week. Maybe two. I don’t know.’ Maybe all the time in the world won’t be enough. Maybe the memories are gone for ever. I inwardly flinch. No. I have to be positive. And there’s no way on earth I’ll survive very long without the kids around. ‘We’ll stay in touch every day. Please, Elizabeth. I need this time.’
Elizabeth’s lips purse tightly. I realise she has difficulty letting someone else take charge of her daughter, she always has, but she needs to work with me this time. ‘And what are you planning to say to the children, because they think their mother is going home to them this evening?’
She will not make me question myself. I know what is best for my family. ‘I’ll talk to them. They’ll understand.’
‘You hope they’ll understand, Jesse. Their worlds have been turned upside down, too. They need their father, as much as their mother.’
I brush my hands over the overgrown stubble on my jaw, so fucking exhausted. Hasn’t life thrown enough challenges my way? ‘And I’m going to get them both back,’ I vow. Because right now, Ava and I aren’t ourselves.
Placing her handbag on her lap, Elizabeth studies me across the table, probably wondering where I might find the strength from, because I sure as shit look as beaten as I feel. ‘You look terrible.’
Her insult is an acceptance without actually saying the words, and typical of my mother-in-law.
‘Yeah, well, it’s been a rough few days.’ I sigh, looking across the café. I spot Kate’s red hair as she scans the space for a few seconds before she sees me and gives the same sympathetic smile she’s given me every time I’ve seen her since Ava was admitted.
‘Hey,’ she says when she arrives at our table. ‘Any news?’
‘What, like if my wife knows who I am yet?’ I ask, getting up from my chair. Neither of them answers my sarcastic question, both remaining silent and awkward. ‘I’m going to pick up the kids. Talk to them.’
‘Where are they?’ Elizabeth asks.
‘With my mum and dad.’ I give Elizabeth a kiss on the cheek, squeezing her arm in a sign of my thanks. I know she appreciates my gratitude when she squeezes mine in return. ‘I’ll call you.’