“She told me how to close the portal. It’s a ritual that takes place in the Psy, so Ophiuchus and I will need to be protected while we perform it.”
He nods, and the green of his gaze fades like he’s multitasking. He’s probably inwardly accessing his Scan. “Would you like to select the members of your regiment, or would you rather General Eurek assign his best Majors?”
“I . . . there’s something else,” I say, steeling myself for what I came here to tell him. “I think you should lead us.”
“And why is that?” he asks, his tone tensing.
“You’re smarter than me,” I say, not meeting his eyes, “and you’re better at telling people what they need to hear.” Since he doesn’t disagree, I go on. “You know every world almost as well as your own. You had the best strategy for taking back our camp on Aries. You figured out Aquarius’s plan before anyone else—”
“So use me.”
In my shock I look up. His green gaze is electric.
“If I’m such a good strategist, use my mind to strategize,” he clarifies, but I can’t escape the feeling that there was an accusation in his words. Use me.
Have I used Hysan?
“But I still haven’t heard a single good reason why I should lead over you,” he finishes, crossing his arms and leaning on the couch’s backrest.
“Then tell Eurek to lead,” I say, suddenly wishing I hadn’t come here. “I’ll play my part with Ophiuchus and do what Moira asked of me, but I won’t be placed in charge of an army against my will again.”
The last part comes off sharp and accusatory, and I bite my lip to shut myself up and keep from wreaking more damage.
“My turn to make my case for your leadership?” he asks, and I shrug to avoid arguing. “You inspired me to trust others and let go of my secrets. You inspired Mathias to be more open-minded and let go of what’s past. You inspired Pandora to speak up and let go of her fear. You inspired Nishi to fight the system and let go of her personal pain—”
“Stop!” The anger comes with such force that I feel something in my chest fracturing. “It’s you all who inspired me—Nishi gave me confidence, Mathias gave me strength, you gave me hope—”
“Exactly.” Hysan moves closer so I’ll look at him, but when I don’t lift my gaze, he lowers his voice and murmurs, “You inspired us all, and we inspired you back. Each of us let you in, but you let all of us in. That’s why it has to be you, Rho—because inside that beautiful Cancrian heart, you carry a piece of all of us.”
My heart.
Everything keeps coming back to that: A dead organ that can’t find its beat.
The anger rushes to my chest again, like it’s determined to punch through my glacier. “How can my heart stand up against their hate?” I ask, my voice rising until I’m shouting. “Pretty words are nothing next to the Marad’s weapons! A Murmur murdered Deke. A Murmur murdered Stan. A Murmur murdered Nishi. I loved them more than the Zodiac, and my heart failed to protect them.” I’m yelling at the wall, the floor, the couch, at anything but him.
“How the hell can you still believe in me?” I demand, sucking in a raking breath. “How have you always been so sure my light can stop any of this darkness?”
He’s quiet as he bridges the small space between us and gently cups my cheek with his hand. “Violence isn’t an ending—it’s a cycle. Someone will always build a bigger weapon: I can design a device more powerful than a Murmur, but tomorrow our enemies will design something even deadlier, and on and on we’ll go until we end up here, on the brink of our mutual destruction. You don’t fight fire with fire, Rho,” he says, his voice husky. “You quell it with water.”
His mouth is close enough to kiss, and I finally look into his vibrant eyes. The golden star of his right iris sparkles, and I try calling up some of the magic I once felt when I looked at him. But the ice in my chest is too cold for love’s warmth.
“I’m sorry, Hysan,” I say, falling back a step. “You mean a lot to me, and I wouldn’t have made it this far without you, but I’m not the same person you knew. And the truth is”—I suck in a quick breath because the fissure in my chest is widening again—“I’m not in love with you anymore.”
I’m too much of a coward to look into his eyes when I say it, so my gaze finds the marble floor. My gut churns from how much I hate hurting him, but I don’t have the energy to keep playing games. I just want to do my part to close the portal and then disappear.
“I had amazing parents who raised me,” he says unexpectedly.
I wrinkle my brow and look up.
“Only problem is they weren’t real. They were androids.” He sounds less sad and more somber, the way he did when he addressed his House. “My family was a lie, and I couldn’t escape the knowledge of that because I was the forger. For most of my life, everything has been under my control: My House, my home, my heart. Until I fell for you.”
“Hysan, stop,” I say, drawing back, away from him. “You can’t charm me into feeling something that I don’t.” I stand against the far wall and cross my arms over my chest. “I just need you to be my friend—”
“I can’t,” he says, and his voice breaks on the word. “I can’t give up on you.”
There’s a shine in his eyes that robs me of speech.
“When everything in your life is fake, you know something real when you find it.” His green gaze smolders as he strides over, and I try to move but my legs won’t work. “So if you think I’m just letting you go, then as you Cancrians would say, you’re dreaming.”
My pulse leaps to action, and I say, “Hysan, don’t—”
But his fingers dig into my curls and he pulls my face into his, and before I can push him off, his lips part mine.
The Abyssthe-like rush of his kiss fills my mind with buzzing, and his hand cradles my head protectively as he pushes me into the wall, the warmth of his touch igniting my skin too fast, like a fire that’s been fed an accelerant—
And I gasp as the glacier in my chest bursts.
37
MY GUARD COMES CRASHING DOWN, and flames engulf my insides until I can’t breathe through the flood of feelings surging through me.
Hysan’s kiss lifts my curse, and all the pain I’d been stockpiling rushes to the surface, and for the first time since the Sumber, I break down in horrible, soul-scratching sobs.
Stan and Nishi are gone.
Hysan scoops me up in his arms and carries me into a bedroom, depositing me on the bed. Then he presses me into his chest and kisses my hair as I cry hysterically, his hand caressing my back gently as he whispers, “You’re not alone, Rho. I’m here. You’re loved, and I’m not going anywhere.”
I can’t breathe. I lost Stan. My brother isn’t here because Aryll killed him—the traitor Hysan warned us about but we refused to see. “Stan,” I groan between sobs, and Hysan tightens his hold, his heart racing faster in my ear.
He kisses my head again and whispers, “I’m so sorry, Rho.”