“Do you want kids?” She huffs. “We’re getting married, but we never discussed what happens after we say I do. Did you plan on having children? Did you want to travel the world? What do you want to do for the next sixty years?”
She’s right, we didn’t discuss the future much, but I didn’t think there was anything wrong with that. When two people are compatible like we are, who needs plans? They always change anyway. You can plan your whole life, every last detail, up to the prayer card given to the people who attend your wake, but it only takes one gust of wind to blow your plan to shit.
Nikki and I don’t need plans, we only need each other. For the first time in my life I’m sure of something and I’m sure I want to marry her. I want to spend the next sixty years riding the tides with her and wherever we wind up is exactly where we’re meant to be.
“I’ll start,” she offers. “I never pictured myself with a fleet of kids.”
“A fleet as in more than one?”
She smiles but her eyes still hold traces of doubt.
“Do you want a baby, Mikey?”
I think about the question, cupping the back of my neck as I try to picture me and Nikki with a little squirt of our own. One baby I could probably handle but when you use words like fleet, well, shit, I start to twitch. But if you have one then I think you have to have another, being an only child gets lonely. I didn’t realize it when I was younger but after my father was murdered, I kept thinking if my mom wasn’t here, his death would be my responsibility. I’d be the one to identify his body, plan his funeral and decide what was on the back of his prayer card.
Everything I had to do alone when my mom died.
So, if kids were in the cards for me and Nikki there would have to be two of them. But if they weren’t, if she didn’t want to have children, then I’d be fine with that too. As long as I’ve got her I’ll be happy being a part of whatever she desires because she’s ALL I want. Everything else that comes along with her will be the icing on the cake.
I guess I have my answer.
“I love Luca and Victoria and when I’m around them, my heart melts but when I’m around other children, I don’t feel any sort of way. I don’t get the warm, fuzzy feelings everyone with baby fever seems to talk about,” she rambles, releasing a breath and blowing the hair out of her face.
“Baby fever?” I ask, tucking the strands behind her ear.
She chews on her bottom lip before blurting out her next thought.
“My biological clock doesn’t tick I’m not even sure it has batteries. The only thing I’m sure I want is you, everything else I’m uncertain of. I’m twenty-three years old, I’m not supposed to have life figured out,” she huffs exasperatedly.
“So what are you worried about? We’ll figure it out together as it comes.”
“Mikey, you were there, you heard the doctor when he explained how severe my case was. He specifically warned us that not only would I probably have to have the surgery more than once but having a child would be extremely difficult.”
He didn’t say impossible.
“I may not have put much thought into having children but before yesterday I had the choice and now it’s been taken from me,” she whispers, taking my hands into hers and squeezing them. “But that doesn’t mean it has to be taken from you.”
She’s lost her mind.
The stress of waiting for the test results, her father dying, throw in her bat-shit crazy relatives visiting, it’s made her lose her ever-loving mind. I pull my hands out of hers and grip her hips tugging her onto my lap before reaching up and cupping her face. Her eyes widen, and I loosen my hold on her cheeks but continue to keep my eyes on her.
“We’re only ever going to have this conversation once so listen real good, Nikki,” I order. “I asked you to marry me, put a ring on your finger for the whole world to know you’re mine. I didn’t do that without seriously thinking it through. It’s not that I wasn’t sure you were the only girl I’d ever marry, but I wanted to be sure I could be everything you needed in a husband.
Before you, I never thought about settling down, I didn’t want to be tied to another person. I told myself I was content living alone, but in reality I didn’t want to let myself get close to anyone because every person I’ve ever loved has been taken from me. After my mother died I never planned on sticking around here but I couldn’t walk away from you. We were nothing, barely reacquainted with one another when your smart mouth dared me to stay here, I knew I couldn’t go back to Pennsylvania. It was the best decision of my life and I thank my mother every day for sending me you.”