Pausing for a second, I reach into my cut and pull out a pack of cigarettes. I stare at them before tucking them back into my pocket. I need to quit this shit if I’m going to run after a toddler.
“As much as I feel undeserving, I can’t help but stay awake at night and watch Reina sleep. I stare at her belly and try to picture what your brother or sister will look like. I wonder if he’s a boy if he’ll look like you and then I wonder how I will feel, looking at him and seeing traces of the boy I lost. Then I think of all the things you and I never had the chance to do together. I’ll be able to do those things with him and that makes me feel so fucking guilty. I guess I came here today to relieve myself of that guilt and make a promise to you. I came here to remind you how I wished every day since you left this earth for one chance to fulfill one memory with you. I want you to know that if this baby is a boy, he can never take your place in my heart. Every time I get a chance to do something with him that I never did with you, I’ll think of you, Jack. You’ll be right there with us, every pitch of the baseball, every goddamn time I take him to a game and every single birthday he blows out his candles…. you will be with me, right where you’ve always been, in the center of your old man’s heart.”
I run my hands over my head, angling it so I can stare at the clouds. It is times like this a man wishes he had found God instead of the reaper.
“And if it’s not too much to ask, pull some strings for your little brother or sister—talk to the man upstairs—the man that’s been looking out for you since you left me, and ask him to spare the baby of the illness your sister got from me. Ask him to spare one Parrish child the demons of his father.”
I force down the lump in my throat as I bow my head and reach for the cigarettes again. Fuck this shit, I’ll quit tomorrow. Shoving the cigarette between my lips a hand falls to my shoulder as I pat my pockets searching for a lighter.
“I thought I’d find you here,” my Sunshine’s voice whispers from behind me, forcing me to glance over my shoulder and look at the woman who has healed me in more ways than one. She bends down and takes the cigarette from my mouth, snapping it in half. “What happened to quitting?”
“How long have you been standing there?”
She didn’t answer, brushing her hands over the denim that hugged her thighs before taking a seat on the grass next to me. She kissed her fingertips and brought them to Jack’s tombstone before making the sign of the cross.
at least one of us has God in their corner.
Maybe our kid has a shot after all.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” She asks softly as she stares at my son’s headstone.
“Reina,” I start, sighing heavily.
“Don’t do that, Jack,” she insists, turning her eyes to mine. “You and I are in this together and if having this baby—”
“Having this baby means everything to me,” I interrupt. “Don’t you doubt that for one second, Sunshine. You want to talk fears, then let’s talk…tell me why you keep dancing around marrying me,” I argue. “I put that ring on your finger a while ago and you keep giving me the run around.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she mutters.
“Oh no? If you don’t want to marry me than tell me. Right here. Right now.”
“If I didn’t want to marry you, I wouldn’t have said yes when you asked me. How could you even ask me that?”
Her eyes peer into mine as they fill with tears.
“Of course I want to marry you.”
“Then what’s stopping you?” I ask, reaching out to tuck her golden hair behind her ear. “You’re carrying my baby in your belly, Sunshine. You should carry my name too.”
“I’m afraid of having everything because when you have everything you have everything to lose,” she confesses.
“Already have everything,” I rasp, dropping my hands to her belly that has already swelled slightly with the proof of all we had. “Marry me, Sunshine. We can go to city hall tomorrow and sign our names to our hearts, but for the love of all things holy, marry me.”
She drops her hands over mine and looks up at me.
“Is this another Property of Parrish thing?” She teases, giving me a glimpse of her smile.
I divert my eyes to our hands then back to hers.
“It’s clear who you belong to, Sunshine. I put a baby in you and branded you mine forever. I want to marry you because I’m ready to live by my vows. I’ll give you all I am and promise to for the rest of my life,” I tell her, lifting one hand to cup her chin drawing her closer. Dipping my head, I cover her mouth with mine and kiss her with whatever gentleness I can muster.
“Marry me,” I say against her mouth.
“Yes,” she whispers, leaning forward for more of my mouth. “But nothing big. I want it to be about family,” she demands, wrapping her arms around my neck.
“Small, got it,” I agree, hiding my smile as I pull her onto my lap and kiss her some more.