And you say the words you’ve denied for so long. You speak your truth and confess that you are ill and you are weak minded. “I’m bipolar and I need help.”
Lithium becomes your savior and sometimes it’s not enough but you know you’re nothing without it. You clutch that orange prescription bottle, hang onto it with everything you have left, because you have another child on this earth that needs you.
There have been times, too many to count, when I’ve struggled with my conscience and my desperation to end my life and be reunited with my son. But in the end it’s my daughter, Lacey, that keeps me here. That pretty girl, with eyes that are so like mine, not just in color but also in anguish.
I never understood how I picked living over dying. Choosing between my children, how did I make that decision? How or why I chose to stay behind for Lacey and not dive into eternity with Jack? I called myself a pussy, too much of a coward to take my own life but now I know why I subconsciously chose to keep breathing. My little girl needed me, and not just to be her dad but to be her inspiration.
Lacey was diagnosed as being bipolar a couple of months ago after carrying the burden of silence for as long as she could remember. I’ve lost one child due to mental illness and I’ll be damned if I will lose another. My Lacey, my sweet, innocent, little girl with a smile so big and bright she has the power to lighten even the darkest of hearts.
Fucked.
The world was so fucked, and those who survive it are the strongest of souls.
Bending my knees, I crouch down in front of my son’s tombstone and run my fingers over his name.
“Hi, son,” I whisper. “I’m sorry it’s been so long since my last visit.” I express my remorse as I recall the last time I sat in this exact spot. I had cradled my daughter in my arms as she cried and professed her truth, introducing me to the demon living inside her head.
“Things are better,” I start, dropping my hand from his name as I draw in a deep breath. “Your sister is on medication and knock wood, it seems to be working. She’s got Blackie watching out for her and I know he will lay down and die before he lets her fall into the dark abyss again.”
Silence, my heart heavy as I try to find the words I came here to say. Instead of finding my voice I relive the memory of walking into my house and handing over my daughter’s heart to my vice president. I remember feeling like I had lost a piece of my heart as I watched her walk out the door and climb on the back of Blackie’s bike. I stared out that window for a long fucking time before my woman steered me back in. I knew better than anyone what two little words could mean to a person, but the two words she uttered were two words I never expected to hear.
“I’m pregnant.”
Two words and I was back in the game. I turned around abruptly and pinned her with a look.
One look.
Some men wore their hearts on their sleeves.
Mine was reflected in my dark eyes.
“I know it’s a shock, and I should’ve waited for a better time—”
I closed the distance between us and lifted my finger to her lips silencing her.
“You’re pregnant?”
She nodded.
Sunshine.
Always pulling me out of my self-created darkness.
Always saving me from myself.
I dropped my hand, reached for her with my other, threading my fingers through her hair as my mouth crashed onto hers.
Two words that promised a future and gave me heart, something to keep me from being reckless.
The wind blew picking up the stray leaves that had fallen over Jack’s grave as I bit the inside of my cheek
“Boy, I don’t know how to tell you this,” I admit, scratching at the scruff that lined my jaw. “Your old man is going to be a dad again.” I laugh half-heartedly. “The way I see it the man upstairs thinks one of two things; either he’s giving me one more shot to nail this dad thing or he’s giving me another life because I deserve it. Maybe I didn’t fail at being a father as much as I think I did. As much as I’d like it to be the latter—I highly doubt it. I’ve got sins, boy, sins that don’t disappear, that can’t be forgiven with a bow of the head and a Hail Mary.”