“You know, mothers are supposed to take care of their children. They are supposed to stay up all night for them, feed them, nourish them, keep them alive. I never did those things. Those things scared me and he didn’t even know it. He didn’t know he had a terrible mother who couldn’t even look at him, but he saved my life, Thomas. If he wasn’t… Susan would never have come to get me. She would’ve thought I went back to sleep like I used to do and then I’d be dead. He almost died to save me. What kind of a mother am I?”
This time, I risk falling apart and release our hold. I take her face in both my hands and kiss her forehead. “A great one. I know it. Just give yourself a little bit of time.”
My eyes burn with unshed tears and I look to the ceiling to keep them inside. I can’t play the blame game with her, I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like this, of trying to keep everything together, only to have it fall apart.
Hadley has become a better Mom. She holds Nicky now. Sometimes she even puts him to sleep. She still gets afraid, looks to me when he cries or when he needs something. But I know, I know she’ll get the hang of it. Her depression almost took her away but she’s getting better.
“Do you know what kept me alive all those months?” She moves away. “This. You. Your complete dedication. Your stubbornness to work on something that was almost gone. You loved me, Thomas, no matter what, and every day that gave me the strength to open my eyes when I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to face that I was one of them, you know. My entire family has depression of one sort or another. They can’t hold jobs. Most of my sisters are divorced. I didn’t want to be one of them.”
It was a couple of days after the incident that we found out she was suffering from post-partum depression. Textbook case, they said.
“There’s nothing wrong with it. There’s nothing wrong with going through what you went through, Hadley. It’s not something to be ashamed of.”
“Yeah, I know now.” She nods, tears shining in her eyes. “But I need to forgive myself first. I couldn’t touch Nicholas before because I just didn’t know how. I was afraid or…sometimes I’d feel nothing at all. It’s different now. I feel too much. I love him with all my heart. I never even thought this kind of love was possible, you know. So when I want to touch him now, I can’t. Because of what I did, of what I almost let happen.”
“Hadley --”
“No. Don’t say anything.” She swallows. “I can’t do this. To you, to him. Even to myself. I need to figure things out for myself. I need to see where I can go from here. How do I come back from this? How do I come back from almost killing my own baby?”
“It wasn’t you. It was your depression. You were sick. What happened was an accident.”
“Yes. But I’m not sick anymore. My head’s clear. It’s my turn to do the right thing.” She squeezes my hand again. “You need to do the right thing too. All these months, you’ve been there for me. But now, you need to be there for yourself, and for her. Layla.”
The fire roars at her name, roars and flows just under the surface. I feel a tidal wave of pain coming on, and it’s harder to control my emotions.
“She’s fine,” I tell her with gritted teeth. I let go of Hadley and sit back. Touching her while thinking of Layla seems wrong, although it’s tame in comparison to the sins I’ve already committed.
“Actually, she’s not. She’s not at all fine.”
I sit up. I feel like I’ll explode out of my skin. “What’s wrong with her?”
Hadley stays silent for a beat, before saying, “I don’t want you to punish yourself anymore.”
I open my mouth to say that I’m not, but something else comes out. “I don’t know what else to do. I’ve done so many things I’m not proud of. I’ve betrayed you. I broke all my promises but…but it’s worse.” I swallow. Then I swallow once again. I try to push down words, a lump, a jagged rock of emotions and a million things that just won’t stay buried.
“She said…She said she regrets everything. Everything we did. She regrets it and I don’t blame her.” I scrub my face with my hand. “I’ve been bad to her, for her. I’ve hurt her in so many ways.”
When Layla fell down the stairs, I realized that I loved her too. I’ve always loved her, and she was on the ground, broken, because of me.
“Then go fix it.”
“I can’t. She’s better off without me.”
“I told you she’s not.”
“What does that mean?”
“I went to see her.”
“What? How?” The piece of paper in my wallet suddenly seems heavy and bloated.
“Today.” At my confusion, she explains, “I didn’t have a doctor’s appointment today. I lied. After you and Nicky dropped me off, I took the train to her school. She goes to a community college in the city.”
“She’s…” I lose my voice for a moment. “She’s in the city?”
“Yes. I asked Jake and he asked someone else and he came back with pretty thorough information. She’s here. She’s taking summer courses to make up for the lost credits from last semester.”
She’s here. In the city. Somewhere among the millions of people who live here is the violet-eyed girl I’m scared to dream about. But I do. I do dream about her. I smell her sometimes in my sleep, hear her muted laughter. I keep her there, contained behind my closed eyelids. I don’t dare think about her any other place. I can’t. Not after the things I said to her. Not after I carried her broken body only to leave her in the hands of strangers, like a coward. I told her I wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye but that’s exactly what I did.
“What did you… How’s…”
“She was shocked to see me. She didn’t even move for a few minutes. Looked like she was bracing for something, like she was expecting me to go off on her. I made it look like we met accidentally, and I told her.”
“Told her what?”
“That what happened wasn’t her fault.”
I wince as if there was a gunshot. My ears start ringing. My family is dying because you love me. Every now and then, I hear my own words. I’d be doing something in the middle of the day, and suddenly, they would burst forth, jarring me completely. Those words are one of my demons. My son’s almost-vacant eyes, Layla’s laugh, my cruelty, Hadley’s frail body in the hospital bed—I have so many of them that I don’t even feel human anymore.
“She blames herself, doesn’t she?” Hadley says.
“That’s why I can’t go to her. I need to let her move on. She needs to move on. She’ll forget about me after a while.”
“Are you going to forget about her?”
“I can’t.”
“Then what makes you think she’s going to forget you?”
“She’s young, Hadley. And there’s Nicky to think about. I can’t…I can’t ask her to…”
I can’t even say it. How can I ask Layla to…be there for Nicky? And as what? As a stepmom, a mother figure, what? I can’t burden her.
“You and me both know that she loves Nicky. She’s probably more qualified than me to take care of him.”
I run my hands through my hair and make a punishing fist. I know that. I know, and yet…
“I’ve hurt her so bad,” I say at last. “I don’t...I don’t think she can ever forgive me.”