“Are you ready to order?” She taps her pencil on the pad of paper.
Jude looks to me expectantly, but I’m not ready. I’m not certain I ever will be. Instead, I drop my menu, muttering an apology, and run away. I haven’t learned anything after all, or maybe running is the only thing I know.
Chapter 28
“Winnie didn’t show up,” Amie calls into the office over the clatter of the kitchen. “Can you jump on the floor?”
“Do you think that’s safe?” The last time I waited on a table, a man received an iced tea shower.
Her round face appears around the doorframe, a teal handkerchief tied around her hair. “I’m desperate. Also, I’m so firing her, so this might be the last time.”
I mutter a string of curses as I grab an order pad.
Thankfully it’s the usual crowd of tourists who are too busy taking selfies in front of the large wall-size map to notice that I’m moving at the speed of a snail. If I’m careful I might make it through this. Grabbing an order, I back out of the kitchen and narrowly avoid running directly into a customer.
“I am so sorry!” I drop the plates on a nearby tray like they’re snakes. I knew I was going to wind up being bitten in the ass tonight.
“Don’t be.” It’s Sondra and now that my hands are free she throws her arms around me. I accept Sondra’s hugs with some hesitation. She pulls back, gripping my shoulders. “Where have you been? We’ve been worried sick about you.”
“It’s a really long story,” I say. “Even if I could tell you, I’m not sure where to begin.”
“Does this have anything to do with Jude? Both of you stopped coming at the same time.” Even her aquamarine eye shadow can’t undermine the shrewd squint of her eyes.
“We both attended under false pretenses, even though we both had good reasons to be there.”
“It’s easy to think you’re better,” she reminds me. “Especially when you’re in a new relationship. Take my word for it. You still have to make time for your sobriety.”
I lick my dry lips. This isn’t the time or place to discuss this. “I don’t think I belong there.”
“You belong anywhere you want to be. I’m going to come check on you again if I don’t see your beautiful face at group next week,” she warns me before she says goodbye.
I stare at the food I’ve left to get cold, wishing someone would deliver me.
I talk to Amie about it. I talk to Dr. Allen. I talk to myself. We all agree that I need to close that chapter of my life. “Isn’t this the step where I right the wrongs I’ve done to people?”
“That’s one way of looking at it, Grace.” She pushes her glasses to the tip of her nose and eyes me over the rims. “How long did you go to that group?”
“About four years,” I admit.
“During that time, was everyone there perfect?”
Not by any definition of the word. We’d had a few people filter in and out of our group, but for the most part there had always been a core group committed to attending, even when they had recently fallen off the wagon. “Not by a long shot.”
“So you’re telling me they screwed up? What did they do?”
“Lied, cheated, stole. Some of them wound up back in prison. Others lost their families.”
“Why do you think they came back and told you this?” she asks. “They didn’t have to be there. They chose to keep coming to the group. Why?”
“Because they knew we’d understand and that we’d listen.”
“Without judgement,” Dr. Allen tacks on.
I’m not entirely certain what I’ve done falls under the judgement free category, but I agree to go. They’ve always trusted me with their secrets, I need to trust them with my truths.
“If he’s there, what will you do?” Amie asks me that morning.
“He won’t be. Sondra says he’s not coming anymore.” I don’t tell her that Jude has called me every day this week and that I am too scared to listen to the messages. She wisely doesn’t say anything but we both know that I can’t avoid him much longer. Confronting this, spilling my guts to people who trusted me, is my warm up round. I thought I was ready to face Jude, and instead I ran out of the restaurant. This group gave me strength and a willingness to face my demons. Maybe they could help me one last time.
Everyone hugs me, even Anne. The meeting starts with recitation of some new affirmation Stephanie has found in one of her books. I don’t know it so I sit mutely, my heart counting each second until I’ll be put on the spot.
When they’re finished, Stephanie doesn’t call for volunteers and no one speaks. A few people glance in my direction. I’m being given the floor. I appreciate the pressure-free approach.