I didn’t say it back, purely out of stubbornness.
The wind was strong tonight, and her hair whipped across her face. When it got in her eyes, she tucked it behind her ear. “I was hoping we could talk inside. There’s a lot of things I want to tell you.”
“No.”
Her eyes contracted when she heard the authority in my voice.
“I never want you to set foot inside my house again.” I was surprised how well I controlled my tone. On the way to the door, I’d thought about strangling her. Now I was calm and collected, making my walls as thick as the Great Wall of China. “I don’t give a damn about anything you have to say, and you’re stupid for showing your face around here. Maybe you’ve forgotten all the men who died because of you—but my crew hasn’t.”
She finally bowed her head, breaking eye contact with me and tightening her arms around her waist. “I said I told Joseph not to come. I specifically told him—”
“Not to hurt anyone or kill me,” I interrupted. “But you did plan for him to come. You were stupid to think my enemy wouldn’t desecrate me the second he had a chance. You plotted against me on purpose, took advantage of my heart like the whore that you are.” My temper flared, and now it couldn’t be controlled. I didn’t feel bad for insulting her, not when she’d insulted me worse.
The fire didn’t leap in her eyes. “I told him not to come at all. I told him I was going to talk to you first.”
“Talk to me about what? Tell me that you successfully tricked me into being pussy-whipped?”
“No. About treating me like a real human being and not a prisoner.” Her own anger rose, but she kept it under control a lot better than I did. “Crewe, you said you loved me, but you still kept me chained up like a dog.”
“There were no chains. I wish there were.”
“You know what I mean. I wanted to ask if you would let me go…”
I clenched my jaw because I probably would have done it if she’d asked. The second she didn’t want to be with me, I didn’t want her either.
“I knew you would, but Joseph disagreed. That’s why he moved in when he did.”
This conversation was just making me angrier. “Why are you here? It happened, and it’s in the past now. Why are we talking about this? And why didn’t you just call me on the phone? Why are you showing up at my doorstep in the middle of the night?” I at least hoped she wanted me back, that leaving me was a mistake. The second I realized she just wanted to be relieved of guilt, it pissed me off all over again. I hated myself for wanting anything else in the first place.
“I wanted you to know that I never wanted to hurt you or your men.”
“I’m so glad to hear that,” I said sarcastically. “Really changes everything.”
Her hair flew in her face again, and this time she pulled it over her shoulder. “I wanted you to know it wasn’t all an act. I wanted to be free because I deserved to be free. I did what I had to do to get out.”
“Congratulations.”
“But when I told you I loved you…I meant it. I didn’t realize it at the time, but now I do.”
My hands were still by my sides, cold from the breeze and white from my grip. “You expect me to believe that?”
“Why wouldn’t you? You were there, Crewe. You knew how I felt about you before I even said anything.”
I shook my head and stepped back. “Everything was a lie. You successfully played me, tricked me into getting what you want. Now that you have your freedom, why don’t you just go enjoy it and disappear?” I hated to think of how many men she’d slept with this past month. I shouldn’t care, and the fact that I did pissed me off.
“Because I haven’t enjoyed my freedom…not like I thought I would.”
I stared at her and couldn’t look away. My entire body shut down so I could take in everything without missing a single syllable.
“Crewe, I miss you. I thought I would be happy back in New York, but I’m not. All I do is think about you. I’m not saying I don’t want my freedom, because I do. But I want both. I was hoping we could start over.”
“Start over?” I asked with a strangled laugh. “I almost died on the operating table. No, we can’t fucking start over.”
Her eyes welled with tears. “I understand you’re mad—”
“Mad doesn’t do it justice. There are no words to describe what I’m feeling, London. I’ve never actually wanted to hurt you until right now. I want to slap you so hard that your neck breaks. That’s how I feel.”
She didn’t take a step back even though she should. “I want to apologize for everything, but I can’t. I did what I had to do to survive. The only thing I am sorry about is hurting you. I never wanted to hurt you.” The tears continued to build on the surface of her eyes, but they didn’t fall. “You know that, Crewe.”
“I don’t know anything, London. I don’t know a damn thing.” The longer we stood outside, the more immune I became to the cold temperature and my hardening heart. I let my guard down again, and of course, it bit me in the ass. I felt stupid for ever trusting her. “I never want to see you again. Do you understand me?”
This time, the tears fell. They streaked down her cheeks to her lips.
Instantly, I felt my broken heart tighten.
“Crewe, I admit things didn’t work out the way they should. I should have talked to you about everything sooner. But you can’t pretend to be the only victim in this situation. You’ve done things wrong too. You took my life away from me when it was never your right. I don’t even know how I fell in love with you to begin with, but the fact that I have tells me this is real. So, you can’t put all the blame on me. We’re both guilty of a lot of things.”
“Maybe I kept you as a prisoner in the beginning, but you were never a prisoner toward the end. I made my feelings for you perfectly transparent. I never lied to you or misled you about how I felt. You, on the other hand, perfectly deceived. That’s worse, if you ask me.”
“Again, I was just trying to survive. In the process, I began to love you. I didn’t know it was going to happen, but it did. I could have run off with Joseph the second I got the chance, but I didn’t. I stayed behind and made sure you survived. I didn’t have to save Ariel, but I did because I know how important she is to you. I made a lot of mistakes, but I did the right thing when it mattered most.”
The breeze increased, and I watched her shiver slightly. If this were a different time, I would wrap my arms around her and take her inside. But I couldn’t look past my heartbreak or my embarrassment. She tricked me, and I honestly didn’t know what was real and what was a game. I was too angry to even consider forgiveness. I was too pissed to even contemplate starting over. “The only reason why I’m gonna say this is because it’s the only chance I’ll ever have.”