From MAJ Sloane, 14:10:
Plainclothes DOSECOPS personnel made peaceful contact with Magnus and escorted him from the Walmart without incident. Interviewing witnesses. Magnus is in the SUV, should be back in DODO HQ soon. He’s calm and relaxed.
From Dr. Blevins, 14:15:
Any indications Magnus might have divulged classified information to civilians?
From MAJ Sloane, 14:23:
All eyewitness reports so far agree that he said nothing—which stands to reason since he doesn’t speak English! Sounds like he’d brought a Sharpie from the SARF and was using it to draw on his hand and forearm—that’s what freaked out the store management and caused them to call it in.
From MAJ Sloane, 14:39:
Magnus is in the building, being escorted to conference room for debriefing.
From LTC Lyons, 14:42:
Don’t you guys have a lockable room down in DOSECOPS land?
From Dr. Blevins, 14:45:
No need to escalate by placing Magnus in something that looks to him like a prison.
From LTC Lyons, 14:47:
It won’t look to him like a prison—he’s never seen a prison!—it’ll look to him like the nicest, cleanest room he’d ever seen in his life until a few weeks ago.
From MAJ Sloane, 15:05:
Still waiting on the Norman interpreter so we can interview him.
From LTC Lyons, 15:08:
FFS I can do that. No need to wait.
From MAJ Sloane, 15:11:
We are observing him in the meantime. As part of a psych eval. He’s scratching himself with a paper clip.
From LTC Lyons, 15:12:
???
From MAJ Sloane, 15:14:
Just superficial scratches. Not enough to draw blood. Maybe the ink irritated his skin.
From Dr. Blevins, 15:23:
Why are the alarms going off?
From SGT Jones, 15:25:
Major Sloane asked me to notify everyone that we got a report from the Walmart that Magnus has a knife. Apparently they reviewed their security camera footage and saw him taking it from the kitchen section and hiding it in his trousers. He’s had it the whole time.
From LTC Lyons, 15:25:
OMW
From CPT Gomez, 15:26:
Need medic conf rm
From SGT Jones, 15:26:
Facility is in lockdown. All personnel following active shooter protocols.
From CPT Gomez, 15:28:
Need medic Stairwell 2
From LTC Lyons, 15:28:
He’s on ODEC level.
He’s in ODEC 2 with a MUON.
It’s Constance Billy.
He’s gone. Constance shaken but unharmed.
From Dr. Blevins, 15:30:
Gone where? To what DTAP?
From LTC Lyons, 15:32:
Constance says he threatened her with a knife and demanded to be Sent to 912 AD Svelvik. It’s a DTAP she knows pretty well.
From Dr. Blevins, 15:34:
Isn’t that three centuries before his time?
From Dr. Melisande Stokes, 15:40:
912 Svelvik is like Grand Central Station for old-school Vikings.
From LTC Lyons, 15:45:
Magnus has always been fascinated by that era, it doesn’t surprise me that he would choose to go there. He knows he can’t come back, ever, after what he’s done. So he picked the one place where he could live out the rest of his days as his fantasy of a classic Viking.
From Dr. Stokes, 15:48:
Maybe he’ll go discover America:)
From LTC Lyons, 15:50:
Not actually that funny, Stokes.
Magnus’s search history
(recovered from computer on display in
Walmart electronics department)
TRUCK
BOOBS
FREE BOOBS PIX
LIE DOE CAIN
LIE DO CAIN NUMM
NUMB
LIDOCAINE
TOPICAL ANAESTHETICS
SCAR
HOW MAKE SCAR
SCARIFICATION
BLACK FRIDAY
BLACK FRIDAY WALMART
TRUCK BOX
METAL TRUCK BOX
BIG METAL TRUCK BOX PIX
BIG TRUCK PICTURES
TRUCK WITH BIG STEEL BOX
SHIPPING CONTAINER
SHIPPING CONTAINER IMAGE
SHIPPING CONTAINER WIKIPEDIA
SHIPPING CONTAINER DOOR
SHIPPING CONTAINER TRAILER
TRACTOR TRAILER
SEMI TRAILER
18 WHEELER
NAKED WOMAN
NAKED WHITE WOMAN
[redacted]
FUGGER
FUGGERS WHERE LIVE
FUGGER BOSS
GUN
BEST GUN
GUN SHOOT HOW
GUN HOW SHOOT YOUTUBE
REVOLVER HOW SHOOT
SEMIAUTOMATIC HOW SHOOT
SHOTGUN
SHOTGUN HOW LOAD
BULLET ARMOR
GOLD
GOLD WHERE
AMERICA WHY RICH
AMERICA WHY RICH HISTORY
CONQUISTADOR
CONQUISTADOR GOLD MAP
EL DORADO
CIBOLA
TENOCHTITLAN
TENOCHTITLAN MAP
TENOCHTITLAN HARBOR
TENOCHTITLAN CLOSEST PORT
VERA CRUZ
VERA CRUZ HARBOR
VERA CRUZ MAP
VERA CRUZ NAVIGATE EUROPE
GOOGLE MAPS
THE LAY OF WALMART
TRANSLATOR’S NOTE: “The Lay of Walmart” comprises two parts. Handwriting analysis confirms that both were written by the same author, self-identified as Tóki Olafsson, a skald originally dwelling in the village of Sverevík (modern-day Svelvik) on the Oslofjord in the early tenth century. Part 1, written on sheets of birch bark using oak-gall ink, was recovered from a peat bog outside of Sverevík by a covert DODO archaeological extraction team in the wake of Part 2’s discovery.
The overall style is typical of Norse epic verse of Tóki’s era, though somewhat rough-hewn as many parts seem to have been written in haste. Not all skalds were literate. Tóki was, and seems to have used written documents as an aid to composition and memorization. Of note here is his use of modern English loan words such as “Walmart” and “ditapp,” which is his transliteration of DTAP (Destination Time and Place), a common acronym in the Department of Diachronic Operations.
PART 1
A hearing I ask. A skald am I.
A witch woke me, hurried to my hut,
Summoned me from sleep,
Beseeched me to bear witness,
Record in runes a traveler’s tale.
Tailing her out of town, I heard tell
Of what had happened: a man Sent
From distant time and place,
Magnus, mighty one, subject of sagas,
Treasure-taker, ship-shaker, ring-bearer.
Yet when he came, not as well clad
As the cats the witch kept.
To her home we hastened.
Magnus, blanket-bundled, on a bench,
Sat by the sparking fire, staring
Amused at the flames’ antics.
“Say nothing,” he said, stretching out a hand.
“Hear only, heed me, memorize my words,
O skald, story-stretcher, keeper of epics.
Write them in runes on the morrow.”
“Sent hither was I, just now, naked.
A witch-friend, fair Frankish girl,
Got me away in good order
From a far place, a fat land.
“Walmart is where the thralls
Of that land store up their wealth.
A fat fool took me there,
Thinking he would make me quail,
“Cock-shriveled, cuckolded,
Shamed by the sight of such treasure.
While the memory of that mart remains mine,
I’ll make it yours too, tale-teller.
“We’ll wend our way to other times,
Tell the tale, hiring a host of heroes,
Return as raiders to plunder that place
And carry on viking thenceforward.
“Of the fat land I’ll say little now.
Too many tales to tell of its weird wonders.
Walmart is what I have just seen,
Not so long ago as when you lay sleeping.
“Greater than any Goth village