He pushed his fingers through his hair, turning away and uttering a string of curses. She felt her heart crumbling, and when he turned with a defeated look in his eyes, the hurt pummeled her from the inside out.
“But it wasn’t all a lie, Wills. I needed to clean up my rep, and I knew you wouldn’t have agreed if I had been honest with you. That’s who we were, baby. But it doesn’t have to be who we are.”
A thunderous ache swelled in her chest. She turned away, willing herself not to fall apart. But she was falling apart, and there wasn’t enough will in the world to stop it from happening. She needed time and space to try to weed through her tangled emotions—but she needed to be there with Zane in equal measure.
Zane stepped into her line of vision, prolonging her torment.
“I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to ruin tonight. This hit me as out of the blue as it did you, but it’s been there all along. I have a lot to make up for, and mark my words, Willow, I will make up for this. For all the years we lost. For not knowing how you felt all those years ago. For everything.”
She wanted to wrap her arms around him and say she believed him, that they would figure this out together. But she was terrified by the intensity of her emotions and just as terrified of losing him again. Her legs gave out, and she dropped to her knees.
He crouched before her, causing another rush of emotions to implode inside her. Tears welled in her eyes.
“Willow, I think we should go back. I’m sure the photographers are gone by now, and I know you, baby. You need to wrap your head around this.”
She wanted to stay right there in the haven of his embrace, but she couldn’t, and he knew that. Knew it in a way no one else ever could, and that confused her even more.
“Z,” she managed before emotions clogged her throat and she collapsed into his arms.
“It’s okay, baby,” he whispered. “I’ve got you.”
She closed her eyes, soaking in his comfort.
He held her until her breathing calmed, and the hurt and fear wound into one numbing sensation, buffering her from it all.
“Come on, baby. Let’s get you home so you can rest.”
She didn’t even try to respond.
Zane insisted she not help disassemble their camp, but she had to move. She needed the distraction. Or at least she thought she did. When the tent fell into an unusable heap, it felt like a metaphor. Zane expertly folded up the nylon into a nice neat package, taking care of the loose ends, making it appealing again. She didn’t know how to do that. How did a person take years of fear and pain and love, years of living within the barriers they’d built out of self-preservation, and let the person who caused the need for the moat and the walls and the arsenal in for good?
She sank to her knees and stuffed a pillow into the bag. If she didn’t take time to clear her head, she’d forever live in a middle ground, wary of his motivations, disbelieving his true feelings. Every incredible thought of being with Zane was chased by memories of her devastating heartbreak.
“Wills.” Zane knelt beside her, bringing the heat only he could create, and it seated itself deep in her chest. “I—”
“Don’t. Please.” She finished shoving the supplies into the bag and pushed unsteadily to her feet. He deserved to know the truth. She had to try to tell him what was in her head, but she couldn’t even see straight. “You’re . . . I . . .”
Tears welled in her eyes again, and she blinked them away. She was not going to fall apart. No, no, no. How could she tell him he was the gasoline to her fire, the wind to her sail, knowing their immense love came at a huge cost? He could annihilate her without even trying. And she was all too aware that she had pulled the trigger all those years ago. From what he’d said, he didn’t even know how she’d clung to their weekly texts and hoped for more. She’d built those barriers, and she’d locked herself in with the guns aiming at the wrong person. “I’m sorry. It’s not fair. I wish I could deal with this now, but . . .”
“I’m not asking you to, baby,” he said softly. “I just want you to know that I’m here.”
For now. Hating herself for the seeds of doubt she let pepper his confession, she forced her legs to carry her toward the boat.
They rowed back to town in uncomfortable silence, giving her time to reflect on everything he’d said. It wasn’t out of the realm of possibility that she’d been his first. She didn’t know why, out of everything he’d said, that was the thing she was picking apart. But it nagged at her like a bee sting. He’d been so cool and confident. Had he been that good an actor all along?
She parked behind the bakery, and they took the back staircase up to her apartment. Once inside, she set her keys on the table by the door, feeling like she’d been away for a month, and waved to her couch. “You can sleep there.”
He set her bags on the floor, his eyes never leaving her. She was so confused, so hurt, as much by herself as by this moment. Was it wrong to want to protect herself, even if part of her wanted to take everything he’d said, wrap it in gold, and praise it like a god?
He hiked a thumb over his shoulder. “I’m going to hit Ben up for a place to stay.”
“But what about the focus group?”
“I don’t give a rat’s ass about the focus group, Wills. I want to finally do the right thing for us. I want to do right by you, no matter what the cost.”
“But . . .” Her thoughts stumbled. “We lied to my family, and no one will believe we’re engaged if you’re staying at Ben’s.”
He pushed a hand through his thick hair and lifted one shoulder in an I-don’t-give-a-damn shrug. “Then they don’t.”
He stepped closer and took her hands in his. Her confused heart skidded to a halt. His eyes brimmed with passion again, full of so many unspoken promises she felt herself getting lost in them.
“What do you want from me?” she asked meekly. “I’m so confused.”
“You said you can be yourself around me. That’s all I want, sweet girl. Don’t put up your walls and lock me out. You have every reason not to believe me, and I have only one reason to try to convince you otherwise.”
He pressed her hand to his chest, and she felt the sure and steady beat of his heart beneath her palm.
“It’s always been yours, Wills. It’s always been you. I just buried those feelings so deep, it took years to unearth them.”
CHAPTER TEN