“When I went back to LA, we kept in touch with texts, and I adhered to your stupid rules. I didn’t talk about what we’d done, not with you, not with anyone. At every audition, it was your face, your texts that pulled me through. Did you forget that we kept in touch until I got my first gig and my life got away from me?”
“Yeah.” Her voice cracked. “I remember it more like you dropping off the face of the earth.”
“Three months of grueling work, Wills. That’s what it took to nail the part. Working twenty-four-seven with my acting coach, going to meetings, rehearsing with my costars so I wouldn’t fuck up their careers. I wasn’t out at bars fucking everything on legs.”
Her eyes narrowed. “No? Well, that celibate phase sure didn’t last long.”
“Goddamn it, Willow. Take some fucking responsibility.” Ten years of anger and hurt came roaring out. “Do you know what it was like texting you after that night? I tried to follow your rules, but I couldn’t not feel. I fell so goddamn hard for you, I came home that Christmas ready to tell you the truth despite your need to control everything in your path. You were my first, too.” There it was, all his truths splayed out before her, leaving him vulnerable as he owned up to his lies—all of them. From the teenage comments he’d made to look cool about supposed conquests to the gut-wrenching ache he’d been left with by following her goddamn rules. More anger came tumbling out, and there was no stopping this runaway train. “Did you ever slow down enough to think that maybe, just maybe, I had feelings that you couldn’t control?”
Her jaw dropped open as if she were going to speak, but no words came.
“Of course not, because you were too busy protecting yourself. Well, baby, you made it clear where I stood. When I came home for the holidays, you had already moved on with some college prick. You moved on, Wills, not me. Not by then.”
“But . . . you never . . .”
“If I never, it was because I was trying to honor your rules. But I loved you, Willow. I fucking loved—love—everything about you, and seeing you with that other guy?” He winced against the memory. “When I left Sweetwater that winter? That’s when I gave in to peer pressure and became the guy you read about now. Yeah, that’s right. Think about it, Willow. Was I that guy before then? Fuck, no. What did you expect? You broke me, and if it makes me an asshole that I filled that void with whatever willing woman I could, that’s okay.”
She went slack in his arms, and he spoke in the calmest voice he could manage so she had no choice but to hear him. “Because what I didn’t realize then but I see too goddamn clearly now is that I have looked for pieces of you in every woman I’ve ever been with. And not one of them has even come close. That’s the truth, and you may not be willing to admit that this thing between us—this lifelong deception we’ve existed in—is real, but I sure as hell can. And I’ll prove to you that I’m the only man you’ll ever love. Because what we had, what we have, has lasted ten years in a world where nothing is real. We’re real, Willow. We’re as real as it fucking gets.”
He released her, wishing he had kept his mouth shut. Wishing he could have just allowed himself to take whatever amount of time she was willing to give. But he was done lying to himself, and now, by the look in her eyes, he knew he had new guilt to carry. On what could have been the most beautiful night of their lives, he’d fucked up again.
His truth became her burden.
WILLOW’S LEGS SHOOK violently, and her mind spun out of control, too overwhelmed to hold on to any one thought. Some part of her had always hoped to hear everything Zane had just said, but how could she believe a word of it? I was your first? She’d heard rumors of girls sleeping with him when he was in high school. He’d hinted at it himself. He’d loved her? He loved her now? This was all too much. Nothing made sense anymore.
“What is this?” she finally managed. “I’m supposed to believe you’re unburdening yourself from a life of self-inflicted torture and . . . what? Pledge my never-ending love to you?” She trudged toward the shore, her world spinning on its axis.
“I didn’t plan this, Willow,” he pleaded. “But it’s the truth.”
He held a towel up for her, but she wrenched away, shoving her shaky feet into her sandals, and grabbed the other towel.
“This is just another role for you, remember?” she snapped as she covered up. “There’s no role you can’t nail. Well, now you’ve nailed your leading lady, too. Just like always. And I did it willingly, Zane. So don’t play me for a fool. We have to convince everyone else, not each other.”
Fresh tears tumbled down her cheeks.
“Willow—”
He reached for her, but she turned away, unable to process his confession and deal with her own, which was clawing to be released.
“Willow, you were my first. That was the truth. And you’re the only woman I have ever wanted when I was lonely, not any of those women I settled for. But you made it clear every damn time I reached out that I was barking up the wrong tree. I don’t blame you. I’m the one who fucked up. I’m the one who promised to abide by your rules and was too weak to do it. I’m the one who led you to believe I was experienced and could play your game. I was the one who turned off my emotions when I lost you.”
Her breathing went shallow, and she forced the truth from her lungs. “I had to protect myself.”
“From . . . ?”
She paced, more confused than ever. “From you. From me. From being hurt again.”
“Now I’m confused. I followed your rules. How could I have hurt you?”
She crossed her arms, needing a barrier between them. Or maybe between her and the truth. “I broke them. I went to college and I thought . . .” An unsteady laugh fell from her lips. “I thought we had a connection, and when you disappeared—”
“Got lost in my first acting gig,” he corrected her.
“Right. But it doesn’t matter. I was heartbroken, and it took me forever to find my footing again.” She’d forced herself to make it through her classes, from one day to the next, one month to the next, and finally one year to the next, until she’d built a life. A happy life, even if a piece had always been missing. She’d spent years searching for a man who didn’t exist. Only now he was right there in front of her.
He existed, and he wanted her.
But for how long?
He closed the gap between them. “We were both hurt,” he said tenderly. “We were young and stupid.”
“We were, and maybe I wasn’t the only one who got hurt, but . . .” She turned away, trying to stop her gut from roiling. “But you tricked me” slipped out before she could think.
“Damn it, Willow. I never tricked you. I abided by your rules.”
“Not then.” She faced him again, and reality came bursting out. “Now. The resort, the catering job. How can I trust you when you couldn’t even be honest with me about that? Is this what our relationship would be? One lie after another?”