“Ruby, Jax, come to the table,” Devon hollered.
The next forty-five minutes were surreal. Most of the time I felt like an outsider, watching from the other side of a window, peering into a manifestation of every dream I’d ever had as a woman. Then there were other times, instances when Devon or one of the kids spoke to me, where I wanted to pinch myself just as a reminder that this wasn’t my reality.
Ruby and Jax bickered and argued. Devon scolded. Then he joked and the kids laughed. They talked about their days, what was exciting and what was disappointing. They made plans. They smiled. The kids told stories about their dad in an effort to embarrass him, and sometimes succeeded. Devon blushed and told the children he had much more embarrassing stories about them he could tell if they didn’t stop. The children laughed at his threat and then he gave me a bashful smile.
I was circling the emotional drain, swirling around and hitting every emotional checkpoint on the way down. I was laughing with them one minute and then trying to hold back tears the next, taking sips of wine to try and hide the sudden sadness and panic that came on with the wave of devastation.
This.
This was what I’d always wanted. A family. To sit around a table with a man and children, but in my dreams, those children were mine and the man belonged to me as well. There was something about witnessing the normalcy of life between Devon and his children that sent me reeling.
He was a father, and I’d never be a mother. This gaping difference between us hadn’t occurred to me before sitting at a dinner table with the evidence. Well, that wasn’t true. I’d known all along Devon had children; what I hadn’t anticipated was how dating a man with children would make me feel. I’d pictured the rest of my life childless—the only children being the ones I taught and sent home at the end of the day. I’d always imagined dating a man with children would be too difficult, too close to the gaping wound that was always festering, and I was beginning to see that I was perhaps not capable of watching a man father his children without being constantly reminded that I’d never be given the opportunity to parent.
But then he’d look at me over his wine glass, eyes blazing, lips smiling, and something inside me would shift and crumble, just melt away with the heat of his gaze, and the idea of not being with him was suddenly the greater of two evils.
Dinner was over but Ruby needed fifteen minutes to bake a new batch of lava cakes, so Devon led me out to his patio. He shut the sliding door behind us, effectively blocking out the noise of Ruby and Jax bickering in the kitchen. I walked to the edge of the deck, resting my wine glass on the railing, and smiled when I felt Devon’s front hit my back. He pressed in close, resting his hands on the deck, caging me in. I loved it. Loved feeling enveloped by him, surrounded and protected.
“I’m glad you came to dinner tonight,” he whispered, his words a breath against my neck, sending shivers throughout my body.
“Me too. Dinner was delicious.”
“It’s funny because when I pictured myself dating again, I imagined it being so much harder than this. I thought there would be a problem with Ruby, mostly, having a hard time with another woman coming into the picture.”
“You didn’t think Jax would object?”
I both heard and felt Devon’s deep intake of breath, and the sigh that immediately followed.
“I wasn’t sure how he’d react, honestly—it could have gone either way. The truth of the matter is, Jaxy doesn’t really remember Olivia much. When she first passed he missed her, of course, but kids are resilient and he just kept trucking along. But the older he gets the fuzzier his early memories become. And that’s all he had—early memories. Ruby remembers more, which is why I thought she’d have a harder time. She remembers her mother and father together.” He paused for a moment and pressed a small kiss against the side of my neck. “I think the easiness has more to do with you than anything.”
“Me?”
“Yeah, you,” he said, laughing, his lips still pressed against my throat. “Jaxy obviously already knew he liked you, and Ruby fell right in line. It wouldn’t have been this easy with anyone else. It’s you.”
My heart leapt at his words. The last time anyone had said “It’s you” to me, they were blaming me for the relationship’s demise. I turned, his arms still caged around me, and looked up into his eyes.