His lips quirked, ticking his beard on one side. “Maybe. But I might have been kinder about how I went about it.”
“Well, now you know. I’ll expect flowers and chocolate now instead of nasty notes scratched on the back of order tickets.”
His smirk stretched into a full-blown smile. “I doubt the critiques will stop. But we can work in some chocolate. That sounds fair.”
Before I could think of a clever reply, Jo interrupted with a calculator in her hand. “Were you wanting strawberries? Or was it something else that caught your eye?”
My gaze swept over her produce once again. “I get why you didn’t want to buy from the other guy,” I told Killian first. “I see the difference.”
Killian tapped the wooden table with his pointer finger. “Jo knows her shit. She’ll set you up with whatever you need.”
I entered into conversation with Jo, haggling just like she’d accused. I realized that Killian hadn’t stopped me from buying peppers because Jo didn’t keep a stock that extensive. Although her lettuce was better than what I’d already bought. I ended up picking everything else I needed for the weekend from her except for protein and cheese.
By the time Killian said goodbye to Jo and helped carry all my packages to my car, I had dropped a significant amount of money. And I was okay with that. I felt better about spending it today than I had in a long time.
It wasn’t as though I was completely destitute anymore. Foodie had been making enough money for me to continually put the profit back into the food and utilities and social media advertising.
If I had been living on my own and had those expenses to pay or had to rent a spot for my truck, I might have been in some unsustainable territory. With my family’s help, I could invest a little more each weekend. It was a good feeling.
I hadn’t crashed and burned.
Not yet.
“Do you want some help with your purchases?” I asked Killian when he’d put the last bag of organic goodies in my trunk and slammed it shut.
“Jo delivers straight to Lilou,” he explained. “I have a standing order with her. She knows what I like.”
I propped my hip against the passenger side door. “Must be nice to be the great Killian Quinn.”
“Hey, we all have delivery services,” he pointed out, referring to commercial kitchens. “I just have the best one.”
“So, foster mom, huh?” It wasn’t exactly a subtle question, but I was too curious to be polite.
He squinted, watching the market close for the day instead of me. “Yeah, the one that finally stuck.”
“What do you mean?”
He dropped his gaze to mine, and I had to take a deep breath to steady my erratic nerves. How could I be attracted to someone as serious and intense as Killian? How could I even consider a man so similar to my ex? At least on the surface. It made no sense.
There had to be something wrong with me.
“That’s a story for a different time,” he answered. “It’s kind of dramatic and I don’t want to scare you off just yet.”
I swallowed the disappointment and covered my reaction with sarcasm. “Too late.”
His crooked smile made my insides melty. “We should make some time to talk about it, though. I’ll share all the gory details of my childhood, and you can tell me about your dad. We don’t even have to talk about food.”
The bottom fell out from beneath me, and I was surprised I didn’t have to flail as I regained my balance. “Are you asking me on a date?”
He lifted one shoulder. “Yeah, a date. It could be fun.”
I licked dry lips and wished I could take a step back. “As fun as talking about my sick dad and your traumatic childhood sounds, I, uh, I can’t.”
His low voice softened, but not in a gentle way. Careful. Controlled. Curious. “You can’t?”
His frown, his smooth voice, his intimidating tattoos that made him so much cooler than me, flustered me. I didn’t know how to explain to him that it wasn’t him. It was me. It was all me. But there were too many secrets that accompanied that truth. If I told him one, I’d have to tell them all. And I wasn’t ready for that.
He wanted to keep his past a secret.
So did I.
“I just got out of a relationship,” I braved. “It ended badly. I’m not ready to get into something new.”
“I’m not asking you to marry me,” he countered. “Just a drink. Share a meal with me. Have a conversation. Nothing crazy.”
God, I wanted to say yes. Yes, to all of it. A drink, a meal, a conversation… him. I wanted him. “I know,” I mumbled. I felt my chest start to crack, a thin fissure that snaked from breastbone to navel, starting the fracture that would split me open. But I’d stopped trusting myself to do the right thing a long time ago.
I couldn’t give in now.
I couldn’t undo everything I’d worked so hard to get back.
“I need more time,” I told him, my voice thin with desperation. I needed him to understand. To back off before I crumbled under the light pressure of his interest. “I’m sorry, it was just a really bad relationship. How did you phrase it? Gory.” Only I meant that quite literally.
A muscle in his neck jumped. “You broke up recently?”
“Before I left for Europe,” I confessed. “Over a year ago.”
His shoulders drooped, and I could have sworn his expression twisted with disappointment. “You’re not over him?”
My heart tripped over its erratic beating, and I nearly fell over. He assumed I was still hung up on Derrek? And of course he would, because he didn’t know any of the details, but he had no idea. The idea that I was still interested… that I could still want… My stomach twisted at the very thought.
Never again.
I would never give into Derrek again.
Even if that meant a lifetime of celibacy and no professional recognition.
“It’s not what you think. I’m over what happened. I’m just… I just can’t get a drink with you or a meal. I’m sorry, Killian.”
“Don’t apologize,” he ordered, his voice unrelenting with the demand. “You said no. That’s all I needed. I’m sorry to make you keep explaining.”
He stepped back, and I immediately wanted to move into him. I also wanted to punch myself in the ovaries. God, could I just make up my mind?
I didn’t want him.
I did want him.
I didn’t want to lead him on.
I did want to go on a date with him and jump his bones.
My libido was at war with my head, and my heart wanted to abandon my body altogether. God, I needed to get my shit together.
And fast.
“I’m—” I stopped myself before I apologized again. “Thanks for understanding.” That had to be the lamest letdown ever. As soon as he turned around, I was going to bang my head against my car door.
His shadowed bark of laughter surprised me. “I don’t understand, Vera. I’m not even pretending to understand. But I’m not going to convince you to go out with me either. So, I guess I’ll see you around.”
I grabbed his wrist before he could walk away. He paused, half turned away from me. “Thanks for introducing me to Jo. And for showing me this place. I owe you.”