He didn’t doubt that she was heartbroken ten years ago, but so was he. The only difference was that either way, mono or not, Jamie would have gotten crushed, either by her choosing Spencer or the two of them ultimately crumbling like his parents did. As much as he loved her, he was convinced that saving their friendship was his only choice. Brynn getting sick just let him know what he was missing.
“God, you’re an ass,” she said. And she was probably right, but that didn’t change what had held him back. “I get you pushing me away before because you were scared. But where does that put us for the last decade? If I can trust your feelings even after keeping me at a distance all these years, why can’t you trust mine? I don’t get it. I got upset about you being dishonest, but I still know I love you.” She shook her head. “And now you want me to go to L.A.,—to him—despite how I feel. Why do you keep running from this? From us?”
No, Jamie thought. This wasn’t running. This was fighting.
“Why didn’t you tell me about the text?”
Brynn’s eyes grew wide, and she staggered back. Scratch what he said before. This admission of guilt—this is what gutted him.
“What?” she asked.
“The text, Brynn. First we kissed. And then there was the mind-blowing sex—thank you very much for that, by the way. And then Spencer texted you about the room he reserved.”
Ugh. Jamie inwardly recoiled at himself because this was a new low, but it was the only way to make her see that he wasn’t the only one hiding the truth, which meant she hadn’t really chosen. Not yet. As much as he wanted Brynn, he needed her to be sure.
“Jamie, you had no right—”
“I know, and as soon as I realized it was your phone I grabbed, instead of mine, I put it down. But I can’t unsee what I saw or forget that I asked you what was up in the hallway, and you said nothing about Matthews texting you. You can’t storm out of a room because of my lapse in honesty and then not own up to doing the same. Yes. I lied, but not because I wasn’t sure how I felt. I broke up with Liz because I loved you. I don’t think that’s why you kept Spencer’s text from me.”
He had to admit that he’d found reason upon reason to postpone telling Brynn how he felt. He let her believe he was still with Liz this whole time because it all boiled down to the only way the rest of this could play out. He had to take her to Spencer. If Brynn never had the chance to choose Spencer, then Jamie could only ever be her default, living in the shadow of what broke the trust between them time and again. He wanted Brynn to love him by choice, not because he was there and someone else wasn’t.
“I’m taking you to L.A.,” he said, hoping his resolve wouldn’t waver. They still had two more days.
“To Beer Fest, with you. I just need to text Spencer—”
He shook his head. “To the book launch.”
“So, you’ll come with me?” she added, but the fact that the statement came out as a question told him she knew where this was going.
“You need to see this thing through, B. On your own. It’s the only way you’ll know for sure how you feel, and that I’ll know you have zero doubt about choosing me.”
He stepped back, ready for a gesture that could second as an act of violence against him, and her hands went wild.
“You’re deranged, Jamie! Do you know that? You can’t be serious.”
“Serious as Gary Oldman in a velvet overcoat.”
Brynn’s hands fisted at her sides, and she seemed to be stifling a scream.
“You will not use Sirius Black’s name in vain to validate your insanity.”
He shrugged. Either way it was madness. They’d both violated their trust in each other. If they moved forward from here, he’d never truly know if he was her first choice, and she’d never believe he wouldn’t get swallowed up by fear again. If they continued on to the original destination, he was handing her off to another guy, one who could quite possibly sweep her off her feet. But that was saying Fuck you to the fear, wasn’t it? The only way for her to make a choice was to present her with both options, even if she thought he was nuts. They had to put this behind them—to rebuild their trust and have faith that their love would make things right in the end. They needed to see it through, for both of them.
Jamie braced his hands on her shoulders. Brynn was shivering. She didn’t flinch when he closed the remaining space between them, when his lips connected with hers. No, she opened her mouth and welcomed him in. He tasted salt and knew she was crying, but that just made him hold her tighter.
She wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his chest. “I love you, Jamie. And if this is what you need, I’ll do it. But you have to know it’s not what I want.”
He kissed the top of her head.
“If we don’t follow through with the original plan, I’ll always wonder. And you might, too.”