“It’s good advice,” Alice admitted. “And perhaps we should both take it?”
They both lifted their coffees in unison then, and after they put their cups down again conversation went in a different direction. But, despite herself, Alice had heard what Sonja was saying to her. Alice hoped Sonja had heard it too.
59
Zoe still walked to school these days. She was doing better with people, but she didn’t know if she’d ever be comfortable on a bus. However, unlike before, when she was filled with dread on the way to school, now she looked forward to it. Because Harry met her halfway.
She could see him now, up on the corner, his hands shoved in his pockets. The sight of him, as always, started a flap of panic in her chest. By the time she reached him her heart was thundering and her hands were shaking, but if he noticed, he didn’t seem bothered. He removed one of his hands from his pocket and put it around her, sneaking a kiss on her forehead. And then they walked to school, arm in arm—even as her cheeks flamed.
Inside, as they put their books in their lockers, Emily arrived. A few minutes later, Lucy Barker and Jessie Lee joined them. Everyone chatted, and Zoe listened as she rummaged in her locker for books before heading to class. It was nice being a part of the group—even if she was at the periphery.
English came and went. After class, as everyone funneled through the door, Mrs. Patterson called her name. “Zoe, can I see you for a moment?”
She paused, freaked out. “Uh … sure.”
Harry glanced back, a question in his eyes. She shrugged.
“I’ll wait for you outside,” he said, then filed out of the room.
“Have a seat, Zoe,” Mrs. Patterson said. “We need to talk about the oral component of your English grade.”
Zoe tensed up. There had been no mention of this since the debate and she had hoped they would just give her an average grade and move on.
“I graded the written portion of the debate, and it was excellent. An A-plus. But you still need to deliver an oral component to pass English.”
The tension in Zoe’s stomach turned to horror.
“Now, given last time, I understand that you might not want to deliver it in front of the entire class. But I’ve spoken with Mrs. Hunt and also Dr. Sanders, and we all agreed that you are capable of doing something to fulfill this requirement. So we’ve decided to put you in charge.”
“What do you mean … put me in charge?”
“Exactly what it sounds like. You will decide what material you want to deliver, and who you want to deliver it to. I, of course, need to be one of those people. But it can be as small or large as you like.”
Zoe felt the terror release like a swarm of moths.
“You might like to arrange a small group of friends, people that you really trust. You don’t even need to stand on a stage. You are in charge of this, Zoe. You let me know in the next couple of weeks what you’re going to do and we can take it from there.”
“I’m just … I’m not sure I can, Mrs. P.”
Mrs. Patterson was silent for a moment; then Zoe heard her sigh. “You know, Zoe, many people are highly successful in spite of their fears. A lot of famous actors and actresses got into acting to address their fears of the public eye. They somehow learn to channel their fears and use them to make them better at what they do. Some of them have even won Oscars.”
“I don’t know how I could channel my fears into a good speech,” Zoe said.
“Think about it. Maybe there is a way that you can do this presentation that is uniquely you.” Zoe looked up, and Mrs. Patterson smiled. “For the record, I’m looking forward to it. You’re intelligent. You’re creative. Your speech-writing skills are the best in the class. Something tells me you have a lot to say that is worth listening to.”
Mrs. Patterson pulled a document out of her folder and handed it to Zoe. “Here are the criteria you will be graded on. As long as your speech fits into these guidelines, you can be as imaginative as you like.”
Zoe took the document, a feeling of dread brewing in her belly. But as she stood up and turned to walk out the door, she had an idea. Something that is uniquely you.
She had an idea.
60
“Fuck!” Alice whispered as she heard the ringing in her ear. But whispering cusswords was horribly unsatisfying. From her bedroom she could hear the hum of the television out in the living room. Zoe would be curled up in front of it. So she needed to be quiet.
But all she could hear was Sonja’s words swirling in her mind. While it is wonderful to be optimistic, it’s also prudent to plan for all possibilities … it’s insurance. Alice knew Sonja had a point. After all, healthy people did it all the time. They nominated someone to be a guardian for their child in the event of their death, jotted down their name in a will and never thought about it again. End of story. Alice decided it would be a good idea to do the same, but unfortunately it wasn’t as simple as that. Even if there had been an abundance of possibilities (which there wasn’t), it would have been hard to find the right person for Zoe. Zoe was a special kind of girl—she needed a special kind of parent. It took Alice a while, but she realized there was only one possibility. She just needed to pluck up the courage and ask.
“Kate speaking.”
“Kate!” Alice’s heart jumped. “It’s Alice.”
“Alice.” Kate sounded wary, and Alice understood why. Even though Kate had come to the rescue when Alice was ill—and even after Zoe had stayed with her again—Alice still hadn’t spoken to her properly since the day she’d told her on the phone to stay away from Zoe. “Hello. It’s good to hear from you.”
Alice marveled at how a person could be so nice. Part of her hated it. Part of her was counting on it.
“I must apologize again,” Kate started.
“Please don’t,” Alice said. “After all you’ve done for Zoe, I think we can call it quits.”
“Okay. Good.” Kate was quiet a moment. “Dr. Brookes told me your white-cell count was still low. Try not to be discouraged. Hopefully your levels will come up in a few weeks and we can try more chemo.”
It was genuine, Alice realized. The way Kate cared.
“Yes, I’m sure they will,” Alice said.
“Is there anything I can do for you?” Kate asked.
Alice choked back a small sob that leapt out of nowhere. “Actually yes … I wanted to ask you a favor.”
“Anything.”
Alice swallowed. What on earth was wrong with her? “Could I … could I come over tomorrow?”
Kate didn’t hesitate, not even for a second. “What time?”
Alice got Kate’s address and made a plan to go over there the next day. After she hung up, she pulled herself together. It was just insurance, after all. Nothing more. Yet for some reason she cried until the world became as blurred as she felt inside.