“I’ll download some Leo DiCaprio films,” Zoe said. She thought of the time they’d watched Gatsby and her mom had actually moaned when Leo came onto the screen. “Mom loves Leo.”
Kate smiled. “Who doesn’t love Leo?”
Zoe shrugged. She didn’t tell her that she thought Leo was old and a little wrinkly.
“So did you finish your assignment?” Kate asked her.
“I … think so.”
“What’s it about?”
“A debate. My side is arguing that we should call teachers by their first names. I’m the first speaker.”
“You’re a speaker?”
Kate’s eyebrows shot up, which confirmed how ridiculous the whole thing was. She’d have to make something up. An illness or something. It wouldn’t even be a lie. The whole idea was making her ill.
“Wow, well done you,” Kate said. “I’m terrified of public speaking.”
“You are?” For some reason this surprised Zoe.
“Uh-huh. I did a speech on my wedding day and I was so nervous I had three glasses of champagne right before. I forgot half of what I was going to say and then I hiccupped my way through the other half. It was a disaster. David still teases me about it.”
“I’m scared of public speaking too,” Zoe admitted.
“Oh. Are they making you do it?”
“Not exactly.”
Kate nodded thoughtfully. “You know what I do when I’m scared of doing something? I just don’t think about it. On our honeymoon, David really wanted to go bungee jumping. I told him I’d do it, because I wanted him to think I was fearless but the truth is, I was petrified.” She laughed. “We jumped off a bridge in New Zealand and even as we walked up it I told myself we were just having a nice stroll.”
Zoe laughed. In her world, nothing went unanalyzed. The idea of doing something terrifying without totally unpacking it, using affirmations, and psyching up for it first, just felt … impossible.
“Obviously you have to prepare for your debate,” Kate said. “But maybe don’t think about the fact that you have to deliver it just yet. Take it one step at a time. Write the debate. Practice it. But just tell yourself you’re going to deliver it alone in your bedroom or something.”
Zoe suddenly wondered if Kate could see through her. Was it that obvious she was a loser who did speeches in her room?
“Anyway,” Kate said after a moment. “I’m sure you don’t need advice from me.”
“It’s good advice,” Zoe said.
Kate smiled. And for a few seconds, even in the silence, Zoe felt surprisingly comfortable. It wasn’t like her to be comfortable in silence, or with a stranger.
“I like this room,” Zoe said, finally, partly to fill the silence and partly because she did like the room. It was small, but with lots of windows and a view of the garden. It gave Zoe the feeling that she could see everything without anyone seeing her. “It’s a good place to hang out … be by yourself, you know?”
“Yes,” Kate said. “Well … I guess I’ll leave you in peace, then.”
“I didn’t mean you had to leave,” Zoe said quickly, exasperated with herself. She’d just had a nice conversation with Kate and it sounded like she was trying to kick her out. The irony was that, strange as it was, she wanted Kate to stay. “Sometimes I say things because I … I don’t know what else to say … and my words just come out wrong.”
Kate frowned. She focused on something off in the distance, like she’d just remembered something. “I’m sure you’re not the only one who does that.”
“Feels like it sometimes.”
“I’ll bet.” Kate smiled, looking back at Zoe. “Well, I really do need to get back to dinner. Are you sure you won’t join us?”
Zoe shook her head.
“Okay.” She headed for the door, then paused and looked around, seeing the room as if for the first time. “You know what? This room is a good place to be by yourself.”
Zoe smiled and Kate left the room. But when she was gone, Zoe realized that while it was a good place to be by herself … it was an even better place to be with someone else.
35
Alice was home, finally. Sonja insisted on seeing her up to her apartment, which Alice allowed, even if she was ignoring her entirely. Children and Family Services had confirmed this morning that she was a “fit” parent and Zoe would be returned to her today, no thanks to Sonja. Inside, Alice went straight to the window and pulled open the curtains. Sonja was carrying her bags, something Alice would have ordinarily refused, but she didn’t today. Let her carry the bags.
“Kate will be here in ten minutes,” Sonja said. “With Zoe. And your cat will be dropped off shortly. Can I get you anything?”
“No.”
“I can stay for a while, if you like,” she said. “We can go through your insurance papers. Or we could talk a little about how best to discuss this with Zoe.”
It was almost as though Sonja didn’t want to leave.
“I know how to discuss this with Zoe,” she said, looking out the window. She added “Thank you,” but it was more of a thank-you-very-much than a genuine thank-you.
“I was wondering about Zoe’s father,” Sonja said tentatively.
Alice spun to face her. Sonja actually took a step back. “Why were you wondering that?”
“Well, I just … I wondered if he could be of any help to you. Or Zoe?”
“No,” Alice said. “He couldn’t.”
Sonja seemed to be contemplating whether to say anything more. For a social worker, she really did seem to be quite unsure of herself. “I understand that Zoe doesn’t know who he is. I just wondered if that is a good idea. I mean … in case—”
“In case what?” Alice held her eye defiantly for a moment, and then she exhaled. “Zoe is better off alone than with him.”
“All right, well, if you’re sure—”
“I’m sure, Sonja. Good-bye.”
Alice turned back to the window, but Sonja didn’t leave right away. Even with her back to her, Alice could feel her there. For a moment Alice wondered if behind her strange immovable face, Sonja was more fragile than she seemed.
“Sonja, I—”
Alice turned around just as the door closed with a gentle click.
*
Alice was still standing at the window when the car pulled up. She waited for the door to fly open and Zoe to come tearing out of it. The car ride would have been excruciating for her. Alice had asked Sonja to organize a cab for her, but (of course) that was against the rules.
Zoe’s door opened a crack but she stayed put in the car. Alice strained to see into the car. Zoe was looking at Kate, her head nodding, her mouth moving. Talking. Perhaps not starting a conversation but at least answering questions. It was … unexpected. Zoe barely talked to Alice when they were in the car! Seeing her talk to Kate, Alice felt a surge of pride, followed by another feeling that she couldn’t quite define. But both those feelings were quickly forgotten when Zoe finally emerged from the car, locked Alice in her gaze, and began to run, full-pelt, up the stairs toward her.
*